I [34M] found out my ex GF [33F] died yesterday. We have a kid.

A man is devastated after learning that his ex-girlfriend, with whom he shares a young child, died tragically after being hit by a car. He is struggling with the loss and the challenge of how to explain this to their 3-year-old son.

‘ I [34M] found out my ex GF [33F] died yesterday. We have a kid.’

Me and my ex were together for about 6 years. We broke up a little over over a year ago after I found out she was having an affair. We have a 3 year old son together that I love more than anything in the world. She had primary custody of him because I feel like a child should never be torn away from his mother, unless the mother is abusive and/or can’t raise him properly. Plus, I get to see him whenever I like.

So yesterday afternoon, I picked up my son up from his mom’s house to spend the rest of the day with me. She went out for drinks later with her friends. I thought nothing of it, because she has done this a ton of times. I got a call around 11pm from one of her friends, a call that I never want to hear about someone I’m close with. According to her friend, she was super drunk and couldn’t even walk properly. She ran out onto the street and a car hit her. She was rushed to hospital and she died on the way there.

I’m in so much pain right now. I loved this woman. We have a beautiful child together. How will I eventually explain this to my son? Tl;dr: Ex-GF died after a car hit her. We have a child.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Montaron87 −  I’m so sorry this happened. I strongly suggest talking to a grief counselor yourself and consulting a child-psychologist with regards to your son. They are trained to help you and your son deal with this.

plastic_venus −  Firstly, I’m sorry for your loss. Second, your son is at a pretty vital age where child development occurs, particularly where bonding/attachment is concerned, so I think /u/Montaron87 is spot on when he/she suggests consulting a child psychologist. Lastly, as a mother the only thing I fear about dying is my kid not being ok when I’m gone. You sound like a good man who loves his child, and in order to do what’s best for him you have to look after yourself as well.

Take any support offered to you by friend and family. Develop a steady new routine with your son as soon as possible. Talk to a child psychologist for him and a grief counsellor for yourself. Take care.

cathline −  (((hugs))). I’m so sorry for your loss. Contact her family – who will be making funeral arrangements? File for SSI dependent benefits for your son. The monthly payments will help a lot. He’s 3 yrs old right now, so you can say Mommy’s gone, and keep him busy and distracted. Counseling will help you with the ways to discuss it with him in an age appropriate manner. Is his child care close enough to keep? Let them know the situation. You may want to look into a nanny or au pair. The survivors benefits will help pay for that.. Take care of yourself!

Deloox −  Tell him the truth man. Take it from someone who was lied to all through childhood about stuff like this, it hurts more to find out you were lied to and someone tried to spare your feelings than it would have been to just know the truth. Obviously you’ll have to edit out some details until he’s older, but don’t say something silly like “she went on vacation” because that will cause resentment etc.

[Reddit User] −  I know it’s hard to think about it but you need a lawyer. Now. If there is no custody/visitation order you may need to establish yourself as guardian sooner rather than later. If there’s no one else (ex’s parents or sibling) it may not be an issue, but better safe than having to hand over your son. Also a lawyer can help negotiate any benefits or life insurance due your son. So sorry for your loss. Second or third vote for grief counseling to help you tell your son.

mandarein12 −  I am so very sorry for your loss. Grief is hard and awful but eventually it gets better, though your life is never the same again. Make sure you have support of family and friends around you as you deal with the upheaval to your life and that of your son.
It will be a long road ahead to getting better. Your son will have many questions, and how you explain this death to him will change as he gets older.

For now he is 3 and you can tell him something like because of a sad accident mommy’s body stopped working and that you and mommy love him very much. Over everything he needs to be reassured that you love him. Kids at three are very literal and do not really grasp the finality of death. Having a therapist guide you in dealing with questions from your son, as well as your own grief, is very important. I really am so sorry for your loss.

zenlittleplatypus −  hug. I’m sorry for both of your losses. This will take a lot of healing, but she will forever be in the hearts of those that loved her.

DawnsCubed −  Your son has a new reality, the death of his mother and living with you full time. A child psychologist will definitely help you pave the way to this new reality. He’s going to have lots of questions. Be honest, yet age appropriate. I’m sure there are good how-tos online on how to explain death to toddlers.

Make sure he has his own space in your house, if you haven’t already. Incorporate as much of his stuff from her house into it, so that he can find comfort in familiar things. It may also help his young mind understand more that mommy is gone if his stuff is in your house. Try and keep as much routine as possible. Young children thrive on routine and predictability as they don’t understand the continuum of time.

Try and keep some of the same routine he had with his mom, i.e. if Grandma watched him Thursday nights, continue that date. Don’t change his pre-school yet. Incorporate changes slowly one at a time. Make sure you have a good support system for yourself so that you don’t get burned out, as well as your own grief counselor.. Best of luck to you and your son.

[Reddit User] −  I am very sorry for your loss, even if you were broken up, you had a connection and a history. Right now you need to rely on the support of family and friends and I assume you will have custody of your son which will be a major life change. When he asks keep it simple and at 3 he might not really understand the concept of forever and not coming back, so you tell him his mother loved him and you love him and give him time to grasp the not coming back. This will be so hard for both of you and you have my profound sympathy.

cupidxstunts −  I’m so sorry for your and your son’s loss, OP. Starting with talking to a counselor about how to talk to your son about this and then getting him started with a grief counselor who specializes in working with children are incrediy important. Also please speak with the court regarding custody so your ex-girlfriend’s mother/sister/other relatives don’t try to take over guardianship of your son and that you can get whatever needed (home visit ready, necessary paperwork, etc) in order to become the legal guardian of your son.

Don’t forget to gather what photos and such things of her you can to show your son often to help keep her memory alive for him. Best of luck navigating through this incrediby difficult time.