Mom thinks our relationship could be better. I’m happy where it’s at but don’t know how to tell her.

A Reddit user opened up about their strained relationship with their mom, who believes their bond could be stronger. Despite the mom’s efforts to rebuild trust after years of a tumultuous relationship involving addiction and emotional neglect, the user feels content with the minimal connection they currently maintain.

The mom’s recent push for deeper communication, including requests for visits and frequent calls, has left the user feeling uneasy and uncertain about how to set boundaries without causing further hurt. To understand more about their dynamic and the challenges they face, read the full story below…

‘ Mom thinks our relationship could be better. I’m happy where it’s at but don’t know how to tell her.’

In attempt to give some context: I (28F) was an uh-oh baby between my parents who had a turbulent relationship on good day. They haven’t been together for any of my life and do not like each other. Mom (50sF) was an a**oholic the entirety of my growing up and beyond.

Pair this with some narcissistic tendencies (g**lighting, calling me ungrateful for not wanting to get into the car when she was drunk when I was old enough, etc), verbal abuse, and some physical abuse, she’s not my favorite parent. She missed a lot of school/sport events because she either forgot, was drunk, or some combo of both.

Lots of other parents giving me rides home because she’d throw a fit if Dad gave me a ride home because it “wasn’t his time”. She didn’t like that I wasn’t stereotypically girly and wasn’t subtle about it. She married and had my half brother with a not nice man. He was great with me until he realized I’d never see him as more important than my bio dad.

Through college, I’d try calling weekly but despite being a stay at home mom (I’m not knocking this), she never had the time to talk/was too tired. So naturally I stopped calling. She can call when she has time. Skipping over a lot, he and my brother are verbally abusive, really into guns, and according to my mom,

also physically abusive (I’ve seen enough to believe her to an extent, but history with her also has a lot of false accusations/making up stuff that I was there for). I was wary enough that I’d lock my bedroom door to sleep when I’d visit for holidays. About a year ago, she finally left him, has her own apartment, and is in the middle of a very rough divorce.

She’s been sober for a year and change, but I’ve been through enough that I simply don’t trust her to remain that way. I am so happy she left him. I’m sorry she’s going through a rough time, but I’m tired of being her crutch. She started calling more (1-2 times/week instead of maybe once a month). One of the times she brought up that I don’t call her anymore,

and I said something like “I don’t really call anyone” which then came “well, I’m your mother so you can call me.” I’ve had her on an information diet for years because I don’t trust her to respect boundaries (she has made fun of any that I try to set like don’t call me at 6 AM unless it’s an emergency). One of the early phone calls included an apology for “anything she did that hurt me while she was drinking.”

No real thought into what she did, just that blanket statement. In her mind, that’s absolved her of everything and we should be a regular Lorelei and Rory (Gilmore Girls).. ​ I just got a text that she wants to have a “good chat” because she “really feel s our relationship could be better”. I get a sense of dread every time she calls.

It’s usually just bland small talk, but she’s been pushing more and more for me to schedule a visit (pandemic has been a handy excuse). She’s been better than she was while I was growing up, so I feel like I should give her a chance.

But I feel like I’m just repeating the same cycle we’ve been on for my entire adulthood (trust her to be my mom – works for like 6 months – get blown up at because I don’t want to take her recommendation for a trash can or get a call from a family member about her being on a bender – get hurt/personal life suffers because it triggers trust issues and anxiety).

But she’s also in a really low place right now with the divorce and having minimal contact with my brother too. How do I tell her that the fact that we’re still talking is about as good as she’s going to get?. ​

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

MaxJets69 −  I think you’ve done a very good job of laying out for us why you don’t want to invest any more energy in the relationship than you already have, and I would use that outline as the template for your conversation. “I wouldn’t guess that this is unexpected news, but I didn’t feel like I got the supported that I needed from you when I was growing up.

I am happy that you left stepdad and got sober, and I’m sorry that you are going through a hard time, but I cannot be the person you lean on exclusively. I was denied this emotional support from you as a child and as a result of that and a host of other factors I simply don’t feel like I have the energy to be your confidante and support system right now.

You’re right that our relationship could be better but unfortunately we’ve gotten where we are from years of distance and n**lect while you were drinking and feuding with my father and it’s going to take more than a couple of conversations to fix it. Maybe one day I will feel ready to put in the work to repair the damage but right now for my own peace of mind,

what I’ve been giving you is all I have to give and I need you to respect those boundaries.” I think how she responds to a frank but fair conversation like that will actually give you a pretty good window into whether the n**cissism and abusive tendencies continue to win the day with her. I’m sorry that she put you through so much.

monster_peanut −  You don’t owe her anything. She’s the main reason for your bad childhood and she’s not owned up to any of it. The fact she thinks that now that she’s interested in having more contact you should just be interested in that too shows you how little understanding she has of how her behaviour affected you.

It sounds like it’s time to be honest and tell her that after many many years of her abusing and neglecting you you are not interested in becoming best buddies and that this just isn’t possible considering her past behaviour. That you were happy to call once a month but that that’s the extent of the relationship you want with her. She can then either take it or leave it.

She will probably be offended, make herself out to be the victim, and then you have no choice in just cutting her off completely for your own sanity. It’s really tough because unlike friends, you only have two parents. However, that doesn’t mean you need to go to great lengths to make a relationship work. It sounds like your mother wants this and you don’t, so then it just doesn’t happen.. Sorry 🙁

Tacosnapper −  I’m tired of being her crutch. Stay firm on your boundaries. I have a very similar situation and have been seeing a therapist for years. I told my mom I need her to work on her self before I consider talking to her. Im tired of doing all of the emotional and adulting work in the relationship and I need her to make some kind of effort to look at herself in our relationship instead of me “managing” it.

She refuses to see a therapist or counsel of any type which is fine. Its clear to me my mother is not ready. Ask your mom what she is intends to do better for your relationship.

Donateblood0001 −  Hello! I am also the child of a narcissistic mom who is on an information diet and low contact. I know every individual relationship is different, but personally having a parent like yours, I know it will not help very much to explain how much of a hardship you have had within the relationship.

She will not understand your point of view and may even argue as to its validity. You may disagree with me and forgive me if I’m wrong about that. However, having dealt with a narcissistic parent I think the best recourse would be to continue having low contact and perhaps give dry answers when she asks questions that pertain to your guys relationship.

Having done so within my own relationship has helped, I usually say I’ve been very busy or that I don’t use my phone much. Just try to distract from her actual question. I think being completely honest with her may not help, and will only result in her being angry about your feelings (which are absolutely valid). Again I can be wrong, only you know your mother best.

I wish you the best of luck in this endeavor and stay strong. It’s best to have those that support and love us in our close personal circles, and it’s okay to distance ourselves from those that don’t foster the best even if it is family.

friendlily −  You don’t owe her anything. And I would advise you to not have a big conversation or give her a list of reasons. I don’t think she’ll respond in a healthy way (because she’s not treating you in a healthy way now). And then you’ll just have one more thing to deal with when she freaks out or plays the victim because you don’t want to be “close” to her.

Close in quotations because she doesn’t understand (or doesn’t care to do) the work involved in creating and maintaining close relationships. And if you feel dread when she calls, consider going no contact, or at least taking a break from her. Or schedule one call a week/month so you can better manage your mental health. Basically, do what *you* need, because her needs are not your responsibility.

Orion8719 −  I know that you are trying to avoid this conversation with your mom,but you either say all that in her face or you just give her one more chance. She made her bed, you are not at fault, it’s all her doing. Go and tell her that you ll need time to think if you want a better relationship and explain her what she did all this years and what her little sorry was trying to cover,

sorry without remorse is meaningless, how can she be sorry when she doesn’t even know what she did.Tell her,you ll need time to decide and if she wants a quick answer then tell her no. I am surprised you didn’t cut contact earlier.

freedomfightre −  You’re mom is trying to use you to emotionally pick herself up from being twice divorced. Anecdotally, my parent’s divorced when I was in 4th grade, and I haven’t spoken to my father or anyone on my father’s side of the family since 5th grade (which was nearly 20 yrs ago). He offers nothing of value to my life. It serves no purpose to allow toxic people to remain in your life.

Stairowl −  It’s great how parents like this suddenly want to make things better when they have nothing else going for them. My fil is like this. People who act like this need blunt truth. Otherwise they’ll mental gymnastic this so theydont have to see the truth. I.e. shell never accept this is as good as it gets if you don’t lay that out clearly in uncompromising terms she can’t twist to suit her.

Tell her, yeah you did things that hurt me and I don’t trust you not to do it again. You say your better but I don’t believe it. Here are things I need to see you do before I’m willing to entertain working on our relationship (things like stay sober for x amount of time, get a job and support yourself, don’t ask for money, respect my boundaries ect).

If she cant or won’t do that (or shed rather argue and play the victim than try) you know she’s not sincere in wanting a real relationship with you. She just wants a crutch on her terms and she’ll repeat her previous cycle over and over. After this you can always say “I already told you my terms for a better relationship. You don’t respect them and that’s why we aren’t closer”.