UPDATE: How do I [23 F] back away from this guy [31 M] without losing my favorite coffee shop?

In a heartfelt update, a 23-year-old woman shared how her relationship with a 31-year-old man, Derek, unfolded after initial concerns. Despite a rocky start, she entered into a relationship with him, only to discover a web of deception involving a local café owner, Sarah, and her partner, Silvia.

Derek’s dishonesty about overlapping relationships with both women created a whirlwind of confusion and hurt. Through a candid conversation with Sarah, the truth came to light, leaving the user determined to move on from Derek while maintaining her connection to the café and its owners.

‘ UPDATE: How do I [23 F] back away from this guy [31 M] without losing my favorite coffee shop?’

So I had been meaning to post an update about this for a while but never got around to it, and then last night something really big happened and I think its really important that you guys keep in mind that this is all happening in my second language, nobody involved in the story speaks English (Except Sarah a little bit).

So where we left off with my last post, I had had a conversation with Sarah about Derek that made me feel better. Derek later reached out to me, apologized, said he had drunk too much on an empty stomach and that he was embarrassed about his actions. I’m sorry you guys, but I agreed to hang out with him again, this time just over coffee.

Things were fine and he further integrated me into the neighborhood by introducing me to the people he knows and inviting me to join other neighbors for drinks and such. He opened up to me about a traumatic event that happened to him in his past and about his mental illness. He brought me around his family and his nieces who were all lovely.

Other people seemed to adore him. I really liked all of this and we quickly fell into a romantic relationship. Derek seemed to be almost flaunting the relationship around the neighborhood. I had one other conversation with Sarah where she asked me some questions about how I felt about him. I explained that I liked him but felt confused and that he was moving quickly.

She told me, in English so I know she was serious, “Take your time.” soon after this Derek broke things off with me very suddenly, and rather forcefully. I found his sudden change of heart very confusing and upsetting. A week after he broke up with me I asked him to come over to my apartment to talk about what happened and we agreed to remain friends, since we’d have to see each other around the neighborhood.

I spoke about all this with Sarah, who told me that she didn’t know anything about it and said that she was sorry. About a week after I agreed to remain friends with Derek he invited me out for a drink, gave me a necklace, and we got a little bit intimate, but he clearly told me “Do not talk about me at the bar.” which I found very strange.

This is getting longer than I wanted it to be so I’m going to jump to last night. Sarah and the other woman who owns the cafe are a couple, they’ve been together for 10 years and they invited me to spend Christmas eve with them since they knew I would be alone.

I brought up Derek, of course, and asked them why they thought that he wouldn’t want me to talk about him in the Cafe. Silvia played dumb until we had some privacy and then she revealed to me that she and Derek had had a relationship while he was seeing me.

At first, he had lied to her and said that we were strictly platonic, but that lie quickly fell apart. Sarah said that she wanted to talk to me about it but never had the opportunity because we were always in the cafe. She apologized that some days she had acted cold towards me (which I hadn’t noticed) and she said that after a few weeks she had insisted that Derek choose either her or me.

Apparently, he chose her. Soon after that, she ended things with him completely. The next evening he invited me out for a drink to try to rekindle things So Sarah apologized to me. She said she felt stupid and like a bad person, but that she had been feeling old and unattractive lately (she is 50). I told her that I wasn’t upset with her at all, just shocked and that I was sorry I had been so oblivious to the real situation.

So, I definitely didn’t see that coming. I’m not going to confront Derek about this, I’m just going to let it go and move on. Sorry for acting like an i**ot. I wish I could say I’ve learned something but I probably haven’t.. Merry Christmas everybody.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

wwjmkd −  wait, wasn’t Sarah the one who set you guys up on a date? While she was dating him all along? Why would she do that? These people sound strange OP. If you love the coffee shop that much, by all means – but I wouldn’t be attending their family christmases and being all buddy buddy. Anyway, highly anticipated update! Thanks for sharing!

Throwaway4days88 −  So it seems like Sarah is a piece of s**t too if I’m reading correctly? She tried to set you up with someone while she was dating him (?), she knew you liked him and things were moving fast, AND she was already in a 10 year relationship with someone else. Not saying you need to cut her off, but I think it would be beneficial to expand your friend circle and meet new people.

whats_her_butt −  Just FYI, I think you might have accidentally used Sarah’s real name in the paragraph where she revealed their relationship to you! Sorry this happened, though. It sounds like you might be better off avoiding all of them for a little bit, and maybe start branching out to meet people elsewhere. They all sound a little nutty to be honest. Best of luck!

aleksandrathegreat −  OP seriously, after all the good advice people gave you in your last post, you still continue to make excuses for people who DO NOT have your best interests at heart.
We already told you that Sarah didn’t seem to have your best interests at heart when she made excuses for Derek’s behaviour,

calling him a “good boy” even after you told her how deranged he acted during and after your “date”. Also the fact that she pushed you into seeing him was a bad thing itself. She should never have pressured you like that when you were new there and relying on her judgment. Especially since he was an unemployed 31 year old in the first place!

Honestly I still think you’re a little clueless for dismissing Sarah’s part in all of this. Seriously, re-read both your posts and imagine if a friend of yours had written it all instead. What would you say to her? Don’t trust random people in a foreign country, male or female, young or old, to have your best interests at heart. You need to learn to trust yourself and your instincts.

If you didn’t already do so (and I bet you didn’t, because you never would have given Derek a second chance if you had), please read *The Gift of Fear* by Gavin de Becker.

llama_del_reyy −  I always try to give OPs the benefit of the doubt but…this really reads like some exceedingly poor creative writing. The crux of the first post is about him seeing dead people, and then it never gets addressed again. Sara’s behaviour is baffling throughout.

Details are all really vague- Derek asks OP to stop talking about him in the neighborhood? Sara and her partner invite OP for Christmas and then Sara seemingly tells her then about her affair, but without her partner noticing?

totodile-ac −  this is absolutely bonkers and at this point I wouldnt care how good the coffee is, gross mud coffee is better than all this drama.

[Reddit User] −  Honestly, just get away from all of these people and do yourself a favor. This sounds like an absolute shitshow. Why even get involved?

paxweasley −  Wait I’m confused Sarah’s part of a couple with the other woman who owns the shop, and was dating this guy in the cafe? What?

BambooFlex −  I would avoid this coffee shop, it sounds toxic too.Who does things like this to a friend….

Tswis77 −  Well that took a turn I wasn’t expecting.