How can I (29F) get over the fact that I’m not my best friend’s (30F) best friend?

A woman shares her feelings of sadness about not being her best friend’s number-one person, as that spot is already filled by another close friend. Though she values her friendships and feels included, she struggles to overcome the sense of being “second best.” Read on to explore her story and how she’s seeking advice to navigate these emotions.

‘ How can I (29F) get over the fact that I’m not my best friend’s (30F) best friend?’

In 2013 after an exceptionally bad breakup and graduating from college, I moved to a New City and basically started my life over. After a few weeks of subletting, I found a roommate on Craigslist named Kasie (30F) who I hit it off with immediately. I’ve always been more of a ‘boyfriend girl’ in that I was with my ex from tenth grade until college graduation and he was basically my ‘best friend’ so Kasie was my first real girl BFF.

We lived together for four years until Kasie moved in with her boyfriend Jason (32M) and we had the best time. We almost never fought and spent all of our time at home together. We are both incidentally from the same home state, have a lot of similar interests and personalities and complement each other in lots of ways. I get along super well with Jason too and they never made me feel like a third wheel. I have a larger friend group now in New City and (thankfully) lots of girl friends but Kasie is still my bff and we talk/text constantly, hang out weekly, etc.

The problem: Annie (30F). Annie is Kasie’s best friend. They’ve been best friends since their early 20s and are kind of a package deal. Annie is very cool and smart and funny and she and I are good friends too and there’s no competition between us or anything. She and I even hang out without Kasie sometimes. I can’t stress enough that we all get along and that this isn’t like the movie ‘Bridesmaids’ or anything!

But… sometimes I feel really sad that Kasie is MY best friend, but Annie is hers. Kasie will refer to me as ‘one of her best friends’ but we all know that Annie is #1.

If Kasie ever says something like, ‘You’re my favorite!’ to Jason he laughs and says, “No, that’s Annie.’ If Kasie and Jason get married, Annie will be maid of honor, no question. Everyone kind of says ‘Kasie-and-Annie’ like they’re one entity. They have very big and beautiful matching tattoos (though Kasie and I have matching tattoos too, but imagine it being something like a 1 inch potato because we’re both from Idaho, whereas Kasie and Annie have gorgeous tattoos that cover most of their upper arm).

I don’t know how to get over this sadness. It feels really childish. Kasie doesn’t ever make me feel left out and neither does Annie. I love them both. But I guess I’m just jealous that I’m not anyone’s ‘favorite’ in the same way. It feels extra childish of me because I have a boyfriend and I know I’m his favorite, but I guess I just never got to experience having a girl BFF who also considered me her BFF like that. How can I be satisfied with being almost-the-best and not the best?.

TL;DR: My best friend, Kasie, has her own best friend, Annie. How can I get over feeling like I’m second best?

See what others had to share with OP:

amazingstillitseems −  To quote the Mindy Project, “best friend is not a person, it’s a tier”. I have friends going back to middle school, who I would rate as best friends, but for all I know many of them have other “best friends”. In fact, I know my cousin who is among my “best friends” will rate her childhood friend and her closest work friend among her other best friends.

Now, I don’t know how to shift your perspective to that direction but I think it can be helpful to recognize you are one of her best friends, just not *the* one and only, because she clearly has more history with Annie. In the same way that my cousin’s work friend can’t ever have the same intimate connection due to history that me and cousin share, I can’t share the connection they have because of their unique professional experiences and physical proximity (they live next door, I live in a different city).

Our friendships are different but equal in a way? It may also help to cherish and think about your other close friendships. Maybe you will find some people who can join your “tier”.

GrumpyBert −  Every relationship is asymmetric, and there’s something to learn here. Everybody is free to give as much as they want, but nobody has the obligation to give you as much as you want. You should love people for what they are (as long as they don’t hurt you on purpose!), not for what they give you.

Juicemph −  The good thing about friendships is that some of the social expectations placed on intimate/monogamous relationships don’t apply in them, in that we can have and love multiple friends, without loving our other friends less. It’s not like giving out slices of pie! Love for others doesn’t affect how much love you get. Also, It seems like you and her are best friends, full stop.

I think you need to work on your own self image and confidence in yourself, as not to rely on companionship, which you have through your bestie, boyfriend, and other friends, for validation. Your role in life is not to be someone’s #1 BFF, it’s to be be you!. Edit: spelling.

AhavaZahara −  48-year-old woman here who has suffered from the same kind of insecurity about her female friends over the years. Here’s what helped me. When Kasie is with you, is she 100% with you? If the answer is yes, really look hard at what that means. When she is with you, she is with you . Now, she may be 100% with her other friend when they’re together, but that’s not about you at all.

The bottom line is that Kasie isn’t any less your friend just because she’s also close to other people. Kasie isn’t 40% your friend and 60% her friend. She is 100% your friend. You’re still young, and you have many female friendships in your future. I beg you to reframe how you see these friendships. Ditch the words “best friend” from your vocabulary. That’s middle and high school Queen Bee b**lshit and we need to leave it behind. My own jealousy caused me to lose a close friend who was 100% there for me and I only have myself to blame.. edit: typos.

kgberton −  This is exactly why I don’t use the phrase best friend. It doesn’t enrich anyone’s lives to have a hierarchy of friends. It might help to focus on this question: Are you satisfied with your relationship with her, on its own, without comparing it to anyone else?

LemonCucumbers −  A lot of people are talking about best friends and the meaning and that and stuff. But I wanted to touch on something else. Friendships like the one you are describing are quite rare – very few people are lucky enough to experience a bond like that in their life time.

From what you’ve written, I think you have a healthy, normalized and well controlled “jealousy” – how could one not? Connections are one of the few things we truly have as humans, and a friend that far back in your life who knows you, your life, all about you – it doesn’t sound like you’re upset at either of your friends (you sound to genuinely love and care for them) but that you’re sad you don’t have that kind of connection in your life as well.

Kasie is the focal point of this, because she is both your closest friend, and the person who has a kind of relationship you don’t. I think it’s safe to say their relationship is different than yours, but I don’t think it’s bad at all or they love you less. You are just craving your own Anne, and I think that’s very understandable.

The only thing you can do is just let it be, let it wash away, and be very happy for both of your friends that they have that relationship, and that you have them, too! I think what you are feeling is normal, and with understanding and earnestness, can be worked through via just letting go.

slws1985 −  I don’t think there’s anything you can do. As long as you can just accept it and enjoy your friendships with these women as they are, you don’t really need to worry too much. Sometimes things aren’t exactly as we like, but that doesn’t make them bad. It’s okay to feel a bit sad, but try not.to compare your relationships too much. It will only hurt.

Clem_bloody_Fandango −  Bout to get downvoted to hell, but this is not something a person your age should focus on. Be thankful and grateful for your friends instead of playing a ranking game.

icebergmama −  You can’t help how you feel, but you might find that if you change your behaviour you will feel better about yourself. I used to have those kind of intense one on one friendships when I was younger, and I was NEVER my BFFs “best friend” so I just kind of… stopped trying to put all my friendship eggs in one basket, if you will. I have friends that are closer than other friends, but I don’t try to put anyone on a pedestal.

sloth_hug −  Loving others is about who they are and not at all about ourselves. I’m in the same position as you, but I’m entirely at peace with it. Of course my best friend has other close friends, her best friend in particular is someone she’s known since high school. I’m so incredibly happy to see that she’s cared for by many because she truly deserves the world.

She mentioned hanging out with her recently and how she was telling her best friend about something compassionate and considerate I had done and I just think the world needs more like her in it. I won’t be her Maid of Honor, but she’ll be mine. I’ll stand with her, but I’m honestly relieved to not be in charge of party things! That’s her forte and her best friend’s as well, so it’s really working out the best for everyone. We’re so important to each other, and that’s all that matters.