I (39f) found out my boyfriend (38m) had a secret emotional relationship with his secretary a couple of years ago and now I want out.

A Reddit user (39F) discovered that her boyfriend (38M) had an emotional relationship with his secretary a few years ago, and now she’s struggling with the aftermath. Despite having been together for two years, the emotional affair remained hidden until she found old emails between them, revealing pet names, romantic exchanges, and frequent meetings.

Though he expresses remorse, she’s still hurt by his actions and feels that the relationship has caused long-lasting emotional pain. The situation has left her questioning whether she should continue the relationship or walk away.

‘ I (39f) found out my boyfriend (38m) had a secret emotional relationship with his secretary a couple of years ago and now I want out.’

I was dating my boyfriend for 2 years (we didn’t live together but lived on the same street and I was always over at his place). We each had kids from a previous relationship so I wanted to take the whole “living together” thing slowly, but we were together all the time (and I just maintained my own residence).. 

He commuted for work, and I knew his department got a new secretary. She was younger and married and had recently had a baby. I knew they were work buddies and I even bought a birthday gift for him to give to her. After about a year she moved to another State.

My boyfriend and I decided to move in together and we lived together for a year when I found out that he and that secretary had some type of (non physical but still romantic) relationship while they were working together. And that is why she ended up leaving (because they both realized it was not appropriate).

I stumbled on old emails between them that were strange. Calling each other pet names. He was calling her baby and sweetie in work emails. Telling each other that they couldn’t wait to see each other at work. Meeting up in the cafeteria for coffee every day. He told her he loved her. She lamented that she couldn’t stop thinking about him while at home.

They had little quarrels. I also realized that he was still facebook friends with her. We talked a lot about this and he said he was just so unhappy at work at the time and unhappy with our relationship (news to me??!) because we didn’t live together that he was vulnerable to attention from a beautiful woman.

He said it never became physical but they were very emotionally entangled at the time for many months. I had no idea at all. He said together they decided the best thing was for her to accept another job offer (which he helped her get). He’s very remorseful sometimes.

Other times he will tell me that it’s partially my fault because I rarely stayed over (I don’t think that’s true at all — in fact I was the only one working on us — he was so busy at work that I carried most of the relationship at that time). I was doing everything for him to help him out because I knew how busy he was and how stressful life was for him back then.

He will also try to tell me I was too cold (again, he didn’t bother mentioning that to me then). I’ve tried to move past this. I told him he needed to delete her from facebook, and he did. It’s been over a year since I found out but I still feel so much hurt and anger if I think about it,

or if something triggers me (even something as stupid as a movie where the man is hooking up with his secretary). It’s been over a year of anger, fighting, hurt and drama. The man I thought I was with is not the guy who would speak to his married secretary like that. Should I just give up? I’m tired of feeling this way.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

2goornot2go −  Sometimes you just can’t get over something. You gave it more than a fair shot by staying a full year. You don’t trust him, he doesn’t really seem to acknowledge what he did and that it was his fault, you’re just miserable… Time to move on.

IthinkImtheretoo −  He’s very remorseful sometimes. Other times he will tell me that it’s partially my fault. If he *ever* tries to blame you for his cheating, he’s not remorseful. He may regret that you uncovered his affair but he’s not remorseful. He was cheating on you because he has poor boundaries and he will cheat again because he’s never faced up to his fault in crossing boundaries with someone else.

He’s had a year to show you that he understands what he did any yet still wants to claim that he wasn’t really responsible. There is no future in a relationship with someone who doesn’t take responsibility for hurting you and who is not actively trying to rebuild your trust (which by the way takes at least 2 years when the cheater is doing every he can). You need to end this no-win relationship.

[Reddit User] −  He’s blaming you for his behavior.. Do not accept this.

OfNoTribe −  Comments so far have covered a lot of the important ground. If and when you break up with him, it’s important to remember that he willfully engaged in behavior he had to know at the time was wrong, hid this from you, and attempted to avoid responsibility when discovered, even shoving some of that responsibility onto you,

dredging up whatever he was not happy with you about as ways to justify his behavior. (Also, “vulnerable” to a beautiful woman? The word puts him in the role of a victim.) An important question to ask yourself is, if a similar situation arose in the future, would he do the same thing again? Since he hasn’t taken full and unconditional responsibility for his actions,

it seems likely the answer is yes. Please keep in mind that if you break up with him, he’s likely to react in a very hostile manner, with even more justifications for his past behavior and more blaming you. You need to stand your ground and not let him start a new discussion whose purpose is to convince you that what you’re doing is unreasonable.

By way of explanation, it would be best to keep it short and simple, something like “I’ve tried my best to get past this, but I can’t, and I’ve realized that this is not a relationship I can be in.” I would suggest not reminding him of what he did,

or getting into the emotional difficulties of the past year. He’ll ask “why?”, probably repeatedly, but it’ll be an attempt to make you justify your actions; after all, it’s not as though he doesn’t know that this has been a huge issue.

enrichmentonly −  Other times he will tell me that it’s partially my fault because I rarely stayed over. He will also try to tell me I was too cold. Oh my god, what are you still doing with this g**lighting piece of s**t?

AggravatingCupcake0 −  Your boyfriend is full of s**t. ‘Hurr durr, it’s your fault I cheated because you wouldn’t live with me.’ He’s basically saying that because he wasn’t getting what he felt was enough time with you, he replaced you with another woman part of the time and called it even. Tell him to get lost.

elisa_brothaaa −  Of course this changed your relationship. He’s not taking responsibility for what he did, he never communicated his unhappiness in the relationship to you – instead turning to another woman to fulfill his needs of living in a perfect fantasy – and he betrayed you. He would definitely do it again.

It doesn’t matter if it’s physical. He was finding his romantic needs met from someone else. That still qualifies as cheating in my book. Leave him. You do not need this b**lshit from this less than mediocre man. You do not have to forgive and heal from the s**t he did. You deserve so much more.

traciw67 −  That’s so b**lshit – you didn’t move in boo, hoo – so it’s your fault I cheated. Well, she didn’t move in either, soooooo? What next – your kid was sick so I wasn’t getting enough attention so I cheated??!! Red flag. Get out, he has secret affairs and blames you when caught. You and your child deserve better.

mightylongsleep −  He blamed you for everything HE DOES. What is he? A kid? Might as well leave him. I bet he’ll tell everybody you’re the reason for break up. Lol.

F0zzysW0rld −  If it’s been over a year since you found out about the emotional affair and the feelings you have about it are still this raw it’s definitely time to move on from this relationship.