My [24F] Dad [59M] shames my appearance, telling me that I need to wear makeup, do my hair, and that I don’t care enough about how I look. Why on earth would a father care about this?

A Reddit user (24F) shared her frustration after her father (59M) made unsolicited comments about her appearance, criticizing her for not putting enough effort into her looks. Despite her practical choices due to riding a motorcycle and heading to the gym afterward, his remarks left her hurt and questioning his motives. Read her full story below to understand the situation.

‘ My [24F] Dad [59M] shames my appearance, telling me that I need to wear makeup, do my hair, and that I don’t care enough about how I look. Why on earth would a father care about this?’

I rode my motorcycle over in the morning today as we were planning to head to the grocery store together to grab some ingredients. Out of nowhere, he decided to comment about how I apparently “no longer seem to care about my face, my clothes, and hair” stating that I only seem to put my hair back in a little pony tail and never put any effort to make it nice. I had no idea that there were expectations about how I was supposed to look around my family! Especially just going out to grab some groceries and staying at home?

I wore some light makeup and pulled my hair back because, otherwise, the helmet would destroy my hair and would rub off my makeup anyway. I had all my motorcycle gear on, which isn’t the most appealing or feminine since it’s all leather. I was going to head over to the gym right after dropping the groceries off, and yet he had to make some completely unprompted comments about my appearance. Like, I wasn’t going out to a fancy dinner??? I really don’t understand the nature of these comments–I’m not particularly dishevelled-looking, and I think I’m otherwise confident.

I’m confused why my father would even make such a negative comment anyway, speaking so confidently about my looks and about how I didn’t care. It is inherently insulting because it implies I look bad, I think… because I clearly don’t care enough to try? I just don’t really know how to process this.

I don’t really know how to respond to this kind of comment or what he is really trying to suggest? Either way, it was really upsetting and he seemed to understand this and was like “okay… okay”… and I decided to leave shortly after. I can’t really understand this comment other than just trying to hurt me somehow? Does anyone have any idea???

TLDR: My dad suggested that I don’t care about my appearance enough, even though I still wore makeup and tried a little, and I ride a motorcycle so it’s impossible to keep my hair/face neat. What the heck am I supposed to do with this information and what was its intent?

See what others had to share with OP:

oxPsychoticHottie −  You should definitely ask why on earth he felt the need to make snide commentary and if he would appreciate your unsolicited opinions.

Crafty-Pomegranate19 −  Very odd considering you have to dress a certain way to ride a motorcycle! Hair pulled back seems practical! In any case, no idea why he is concerned let alone shaming you for your appearance. Maybe I’m petty but next time he does this pull an uno reverse and nit pick his appearance; is he a dripping 10 himself? Some people need to be humbled through experience

Glass-Hedgehog-3754 −  Your dad is a mysognyst. Theres obviously nothing wrong with wanting ur kids to look their best, but i doubt he wouldve spoken to ur brother the same way.

SaveItUp1998 −  As horrible as it is, people assign a lot of value to a woman’s physical appearance, and this can be done without even realizing it. Your dad might think he is trying to help you, but all he is doing is re- enforcing unfair and misogynistic perceptions of women not being valuable unless or until they are physically attractive to men and/or married and/or a mother.

My husband went to a funeral for an old girlfriend. She had a baby before she died, and at the wake, one of the first things her father said to my husband was that she had gained a lot of weight after having her baby. It’s almost like he needed to explain why she was, in his opinion, less attractive because that was what was most important.

It sucks, but think about how much this is drilled into us. Skin care products, magazine covers, instagram, models, filters, celebs with face-lifts, eating disorders, ezempic etc etc forever, etc. Ask your dad why he thinks how you look is so important to him and try to explain why the person you are, your intelligence, loyalty, humour, friendship, love and other attributes are the most important. Hopefully, he realizes what he is doing wrong.

Glindanorth −  If I were you, I would just ask him, “Why do you care about how I look?” My mom used to get on me about my not wearing makeup or doing anything with my hair. She was fairly religious, so one day when she started talking about my unwillingness to wear makeup (I don’t like how it feels), I said, “Who am I to be so presumptuous as to attempt to improve on God’s work?” That shut her up.

brainwise −  It’s the patriarchy. He wants you to present as more ‘feminine’ and attractive to men. He sees your worth in how you look.

FissureOfLight −  He doesn’t care, he’s just trying to put you down. Next time he says something like this, just say. “Good thing you’re not the type of person I’m trying to impress!”.

BelmontIncident −  Is this a first time or does he usually talk like that? My first impulses are sexist b**lshit and mistaken concern, and they might be mixed together.

GoblinTatties −  It seems like he’s embarrassed that his daughter doesn’t look how he thinks is socially acceptable for a young, straight woman. Sounds like he’s possibly sexist, h**ophobic, shallow or all three. If I were you I’d start dressing more and more masculine and unkempt every time I see him, that’s the only reasonable and satisfying response imo.

Fjordgard −  Hi there, woman here who gets those comments ever so often from her own father. I don’t wear makeup, I don’t shave and I only wear trousers and shirts with sleeves (not a fan of the bullying I experience when people see my unshaved legs and armpits otherwise).

My father brings up ever so often how I “don’t make enough out of myself” and my (now deceased) mother said a few times that “while it’s not fair, women are simply expected to shave”. They never pressured me into changing, but I got like 1-2 comments like that each year.

In my experience, those comments were not malicious, at least not in my case. They were made by (old-school) parents concerned about me preventing myself from getting somewhere in life – be it when it comes to finding a partner or a job – by not meeting what they percieve as “expectations of society you have to fulfill when going outside”. And sadly, they are not completely wrong because, as I said, I did and do experience bullying and dumb comments whenever I would dare to go outside without long pants or shirts.

Your father was decidedly more rude about it than mine, though, basically accusing you of being lazy. I am not sure if he was thinking that he was “looking out for you” or if he felt embarrassed by being seen with you, which would be absolutely a him-problem and, if true, I would feel embarrassed about being seen with someone who has such a mentality.

My go-to replies to such comments these days is usually either a rather dry “Thank you for your opinion” without follow-up or, in case it’s someone where I do feel like I want to explain more, me stating that the way I look is indeed “nice” because it’s the way I feel comfortable and happy with and in my body. And that I care very little about what others think because I’m the one who lives in my body, so my opinion is the only one that matters.