My [26F] SIL [28F] asked to be in the delivery room with my husband and I. How do I let her down gently?

A Reddit user shared a dilemma about their sister-in-law (SIL), who is also a close friend, asking to be present in the delivery room during the birth of the user’s first child. The SIL made the request out of fear and anxiety about her own upcoming delivery, hoping that observing the experience would ease her concerns.

While the user understands her SIL’s perspective, they feel strongly about having only their husband in the delivery room. To learn more about how the user navigates this delicate situation, read the full story below.

‘ My [26F] SIL [28F] asked to be in the delivery room with my husband and I. How do I let her down gently?’

Okay to start this off, she’s my husband’s sister and her and I have been best friends ever since he introduced me to his family after we started dating at 16. I’m now 31 weeks pregnant with our first baby, a little boy and she’s also around 22 weeks pregnant with her and her fiancé’s first baby. Her request isn’t out of entitlement but out fear.

What happened is that when she came over around a month ago, my husband and I were ‘educating’ ourselves on childbirth aka watching YouTube videos. I paused it after he let her in, but she saw what we were watching and was like no I’m going to join you, I want to know too.

Yes, I know we sound like children and to be honest my view on the whole thing was childish because thinking about pregnancy theoretically is nothing like experiencing it and I figured it was going to be the same with childbirth. Anyway, after a couple videos, my husband and I were kind of okay, just a bit nervous.

My SIL on the hand, well, she was rubbing her bump and looking at her body like it was foreign. Again, knowing what it technically entails is different than going through it. We didn’t talk much about it because she shut down the topic so my husband made us hot chocolate and put on a movie before we smothered her in a sandwich cuddle and that was that.

Over the month she’s asked me random questions like if I was going to get induced, if the yoga I’m doing helps, etc. We were baby shopping yesterday and she asked me who I’m going to have in the delivery room. I told her it was just going to be my husband and I. She then asked if she can be in there with us.

I was surprised and asked her why and she said that she’s been feeling anxious and scared about giving birth and seeing me go through it would maybe help alleviate that a bit. I told her it’s something I’d talk to my husband about but I already knew my answer is no, his is too.

My mom would’ve maybe been the only one I would have said yes to but she’s gone and while I love my MIL and SIL I’m going to be at my rawest and I feel like I wouldn’t be comfortable with anyone other than my husband there. I don’t want to word it like that when I tell her no because I don’t want to scare her more so how can I do it gently?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

queerbychoice −  “I don’t want to have to be worrying about whether I’m scaring you while I’m giving birth. I need to not have anything else to worry about than giving birth.” That’s the gentlest way I can think of to phrase it. If she persists beyond that, then she really does not deserve gentleness.

CapnSeabass −  “I don’t think that would be good for either of us – if it gets complicated, I will worry about you. “Instead, why don’t we get together after the birth and we can talk about my birth story one-on-one, and you can ask questions in a safe space?”

ExtensionPrice3535 −  My sister had already had 2 children when she assisted at mine. I won’t go into details but she ended up really traumatised and nearly didn’t have any more children. She says it’s so hard watching someone you love suffering and feeling helpless.

GenoFlower −  Honestly, I think this is a bad idea, outside of you just wanting hubby. What if your delivery goes long, or is super painful, or god forbid, has a complication, and she sees that? That could just add to her anxiety.

Also, if something did happen, would you and hubby be worried about comforting her, and not 100% focused on you? That aside, you want this moment just for you and hubby, and I think it’s fair to say that.

crankysoutherner −  Just say, “I’m sorry, but I’ll be too uncomfortable and nervous to have anyone else there except my husband. I hope you’ll understand.”

SaltyLilSelkie −  What a terrible idea – things don’t always go to plan – imagine having to consider not scaring or worrying her when you should be focused on yourself and your baby. Your husband isn’t there to have a nice time either – he’s there to support you and advocate for your needs with the medical staff – imagine if he felt like he had to take care of SIL as well.

Just tell her no and tell her to watch episodes of one born every minute on YouTube to prepare herself.

PurplePlodder1945 −  She’s hoping you’ll have a textbook labour that will reassure her. Life isn’t like that. My labour was 47 hours long but my daughter was stuck in my birth canal (you could see her ear and hair), got me into the operating theatre and tried ventouse which didn’t work so they had to knock me out and give me an emergency c-section. If she sees you go through a traumatising labour it’ll make her worse

Top_Detective9184 −  As someone who has given birth it is not the “beautiful” experience people think it is visually speaking except for the parents involved really. It is a stressful time already let alone be dealing with an anxious person in there. On top of that stress isn’t good for her or the baby and it can be a high stress environment.

This is an experience for you and your husband not a scientific experiment for her to feel better. I would just explain to her that while you love her this is an intimate moment that you would like to share with just your husband but you will definitely share every detail with her afterwards to try to alleviate her concerns. I get having anxiety but her comfort should not outweigh yours.

AcidicAtheistPotato −  This is one of those times where “gentle” isn’t necessary. Simply “listen SIL, we love you, but we want this to be the intimate moment it’s meant to be for us, and we don’t want it to turn into a comforting session focused on you and your anxiety around birth, if anything happens, WE need to focus on myself and our baby”.

PhaloniaRediar −  I think honesty is best. Just tell her you’re not comfortable with that. Childbirth is a big deal, your body goes through a lot. You don’t need to know the details as you’ve been doing the research already, but it is an immensely personal experience where you can feel extremely exposed and frightened and you need to have people there who you feel comfortable with.

This is not about making other people feel better, it is about what YOU need to get through the birth. Tell her you will tell her all about how it goes, but you do not want her there as a spectator.