My fiancé 26M gave me 25F ultimatum and now I feel both of our families going to disown us?

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A young woman shares her concerns about revealing her relationship to their families, which come from different cultural and religious backgrounds. With her fiancé giving her an ultimatum to either take this step or end their relationship, she seeks advice on how to navigate this emotional and high-stakes situation.

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‘ My fiancé 26M gave me 25F ultimatum and now I feel both of our families going to disown us?’

I (F, 25) had been dating my fiancé (M, 26) for three years and we have been best friends since high school days. Our families been neighbors since we were little. My fiancé let’s call him Luca had proposed to me 2 weeks ago and informed me that it’s time for our families to know about us and our intentions to get married. I am honestly so scared because all of these years both of our families thought we had just close friendship and to my knowledge never suspected us dating. Exception his brother and sister who caught us a year ago on a date but they both kept our secret.

I don’t know how our parents going to react and I’m kinda scared of their reaction. Luca family are Italians and follow Catholic religion. My family are Somalis and follow Islamic religion. I told him that I fear they both will be greatly upset and might not want us together. He told me he had enough hiding and wants us to move forward in our relationship. He told me either I am with him and we get through this together or we would need to break up.

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I told him yesterday I am ready to tell our parents and now I am having nervous breakdown thinking about tomorrow. Luca had asked his siblings and parents to have family dinner tomorrow. After the dinner, he wants to let his family know, and he wants me to be there. After letting his parents know, he wants us to plan to make same arrangement so he can tell my family the news too.

I love him so much and I am so scared how this will turn out. I know how close his parents are to him and I feel scared how this will affect him. Also, I’m scared how my parents will react as they always informed me they expect me to marry Muslim man and I know in my religion that is expectation. He tells me he doesn’t care what others think as long as I am with him. I’m going to pray and hope that this will turnout in good way. Is there any other couples who went through this and how did you come out of it?.

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Update: I want to thank everyone that given me advice how to proceed with this but yeah things didn’t go as planned. To those who were asking why we held our relationship in secret, it was kinda of my side as religion was the sticky point. Luca comes from practicing Catholic family and he was involved in his religion. I had informed him when we had started to date that the expectation as Muslim woman, I have to marry someone of same religion. So, if things were to get serious, that is going to be subject I can’t compromise.

He had only started learning and slowly practicing my religion in past 2 years but didn’t convert. Time flew by very fast between us finishing school and looking for job, I kinda placed marriage in the back burner.However, it seems like he didn’t place marriage in hold cause when he had proposed, he said he is ready to inform our parents our intention to marry. We had spoken yesterday regarding converting and he said he will convert before meeting my parents and that is also when he will tell his parents.

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Well, last evening was blowout. When he had informed his parents regarding our relationship and he had proposed, his father looked like he already knew. He said he had already thought something was going on with us due to we always around each other and Luca hadn’t brought any woman around since his last girlfriend except me. However, his mother became very upset. She had started asking multiple questions and informed us we are too different with our culture and religion.

Saying our marriage won’t last. Both Luca and his mother went into argument and he blur out saying well one thing we don’t have to worry about is religion cause he will convert. Both his father and mother flipped out and started yelling at him. Luca older brother had step in and calm down things after their mother said she won’t speak to both of us if Luca converts.

Luca and I had left his parents place and his mother been constantly calling him since yesterday, even threatening to cut him out of inheritance. I was really shocked he would tell about his plan to convert as I thought we will be going to inform them our relationship first and let them get used to that before this other bigger news. He isn’t talking to me about what happened yesterday and just telling me that he just needs me to beside him now.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

New-Key61 −  A house that’s divided cannot stand . You’re either with him on this , or walk away . There will be a fallout , especially with your parents . If you want to be with him , you’ll need to accept that it may happen .

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AcidicAtheistPotato −  Were you expecting to break up sooner than this or keep it a secret forever? There’s no way it would work out being a secret, so I don’t understand why you’d have that expectation. Let’s be real. If your parents choose to disown you for loving, shame on them. When you marry, your spouse is your family and should be your priority, if you’re not ready to fulfill that, then walk away before s**t hits the fan, but if you want to choose him, then really choose him. There’s no way around it.

Ok_Astronaut_3235 −  The real issue is with you guys. Do you both actually follow your religions? Would each expect the other to convert? What about kids in the future. It’s not really about parental approval but whether these issues will affect your future relationship. It needs to be properly discussed without anyone making assumptions.

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Isabelsedai −  So what was your plan for dealing with the parents? Ignore and or break up when they found out? Have you both talked about religion and how you plan to raise kids?

lonly25 −  Your 26 grown up. Get it over with.

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AdRealistic9638 −  Your title is misleading. You got engaded. And you can’t get married and keep it a secret. He is quite resonable.

badfromthewest −  Obviously you knew the day was going to come. Or did you not think about marriage because you thought your relationship would be over? Be prepared for anything. He loves you enough to withstand the storm. He doesn’t care and only sees a future with. However I do wonder about how you’ll react when your parents disapprove the relationship. If you’ll succumb to the pressure and end it. Good luck.

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Specialist_flye −  You can’t put your family ahead of your own best interests. A family that genuinely cares about you more than their religion would accept you and your relationship. Just know that. 

AlmightyRepGod −  You gotta tell it at some point. After three years the sooner the better imo. Tho you might not like the outcome, its inevitable.

PirateArtemis −  You and him need to discuss the future. Do you want kids, if so, what religion do you raise them under? What religious days will be recognised by the new household? Are you both independent of your families financially and not dependant on them? You’ll need that.

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Navigating a relationship that bridges cultural and religious differences can be challenging but also deeply rewarding with mutual respect and open communication. If you’re in a similar situation or have advice from your own experience, share your thoughts below to help her prepare for this significant moment.

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