I, 35M am planning to tell my wife (37f) that I want a divorce at our next couples therapy session. Have I wasted a decade of our lives?

A 35-year-old man is contemplating divorce from his 37-year-old wife after nearly a decade together. Despite attending couples therapy for the past two years and discussing his feelings of misery and depression, he feels that his needs—particularly in terms of physical touch and emotional affirmation—have not been met.

While his wife is happy with the marriage, he has reached a breaking point, knowing that he can no longer continue in a relationship that leaves him feeling unfulfilled. Although he struggles with guilt about ending the marriage and potentially ruining her life, he feels like he has exhausted all efforts to make it work.

‘ I, 35M am planning to tell my wife (37f) that I want a divorce at our next couples therapy session. Have I wasted a decade of our lives?’

We have been married for 4 years and have been together for almost a decade. She has a lot of stress from her job and trauma from her family and past relationships but she is happy with our marriage and I’m miserable. For context, it took me two years of asking for her to agree to go to couples counseling in the first place and we’ve been in therapy,

together and alone, for almost two more years. She knows I’m miserable, she knows I’m depressed, but she has put in so little effort to make any changes that I’m just done. I’m sad all the time and she knows that, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference.

Our therapist knows about my plan. When I told her she said that she was a little surprised that I had held on so long with nothing changing or improving. Obviously she didn’t tell me about their individual sessions but she did say that nothing in any of our sessions, couples or individual,

led her to believe that I was making unreasonable requests or ignoring what she wanted. Our love languages are different and I know that, but mine never get addressed. I crave physical touch (not just intimacy) and want her to say kind things about me, the way I do with her all the time.

Her languages, quality time and gift giving, have taken precedent and I honestly love buying her things she wants. I have the money and I love seeing her face when she gets something she’s had her eye on. With regards to intimacy, I do everything. Literally everything in bed to get both of us off but I get touched so infrequently that I feel there must be something wrong with me.

I just… I know this is going to crush her but I can’t do this any more. I don’t even know what I’m looking for here. To vent? To get some assurance that I’m not a horrible person? I feel like I’m ruining her life and throwing away a decade of our lives.

She also doesn’t have the same support net that I do, her family lives in Dallas (and her mom and dad have never been very warm or comforting) which is also making me feel worse about this decision.

Check out how the community responded:

Champion_Flight −  “You know ‘she has a lot of stress and trauma’ but what about YOUR stress and trauma from years of emotional n**lect?” You’ve spent a DECADE dimming your light to keep her comfortable. She’s had TWO YEARS of therapy to show even a crumb of effort, my friend. You’re not throwing away ten years – you’re refusing to waste ten more.

The relationship isn’t working because she isn’t working on it (and therapy without action is just expensive talking). Quality time and gifts mean nothing when basic affection is MIA. Your misery isn’t even registering on her radar (and tbh that’s some b**lshit). Your therapist’s reaction says it all. Sometimes love means knowing when to fold, mate. Her lack of support system isn’t your cross to bear anymore.

Ruthless_Bunny −  No better place to let her know. And you didn’t waste time. It’s all part of life. You make a mistake and you live and learn. The. You course correct so you don’t keep making the mistake. Divorce sucks. But this is better than a lot of other ways .

Garden_Lady2 −  It sounds like you’ve done all the work at creating a relationship/partnership and that’s an unfair balance. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Before you tell her, get prepared by safeguarding your finances and I don’t mean to hide them! I mean to make sure she can’t withdrawal everything and rack up high credit card bills. She doesn’t sound like the type that would do that but still it never hurts to take some safety precautions. Good luck.

Resident-Staff-1218 −  Every day you delay announcing this decision, you’re losing a day of the new chapter of your life. Think about maximising your future rather than whether you wasted a decade of your lives. Google: sunk cost fallacy divorce

Competitive-Care8789 −  The realization that you need to divorce your spouse can be a successful outcome to couples therapy.

Cultural_Shape3518 −  Dude, you’ve been begging her to go to therapy or at least do something to change the situation for years, and she’s just kept acting like everything’s fine.  If anyone’s going to be mad about not being able to get that time back, I’d think it’d be you. You can’t get the time back, though.

What you can do is stop treating her feelings as more important than yours.  Again, if it comes as a surprise to her that you’ve had enough, she either hasn’t been paying attention or managed to convince herself she didn’t have to try and do anything to prevent this outcome.

Even your therapist thinks this is the right (or at least a logical) call, so stop second-guessing yourself and start working out what’s next for you.  She can choose to take responsibility for her own life and do the same, but if she doesn’t, she’s going to have to deal with the consequences.  Not you.

SizeDistinct1616 −  Are you depressed from the state of your marriage And her lack of willingness to fix things?

prof_is_out −  I think so many people rely too much on their partner for their own happiness. I don’t think you can expect another person to make you happy. You are the only one that can do that. Why rely so much on someone else to satisfy your needs? Imo, that has to come from within, and also come from other activities—-personal hobbies, etc.

Why doesn’t she touch you more? Has she explained it? If you are both getting off, that is more than most people can say!

GrumpyLump91 −  You’ve put in the work. She hasn’t. You’re miserable. She isn’t. It’s time you start looking after yourself and make yourself a priority.

Weak_Lack9241 −  Sh will be okay. She may be sad, depressed or whatnot but removing yourself gives her an opportunity to have an honest look at herself. Staying is codependent and protecting her from the consequences of her poor decisions. You’re going to find such rich and profound happiness after this.

Do you think the man is justified in wanting a divorce, or is he giving up too soon after investing so much time and energy into the relationship? How would you handle a situation where one partner feels deeply unfulfilled despite years of effort? Share your thoughts below and join the discussion!