AITA for Leaving My Partner at Home Because His OCD Made Me Late to a Dinner Party at a Restaurant?

A woman (F) is struggling with her partner’s worsening OCD, which is causing them to be late to events. At a dinner party for her boss, she decided to leave her partner behind after his OCD checks caused them to run late. Her partner is upset, and she’s wondering if she was in the wrong for leaving. Read the full story below…

‘ AITA for Leaving My Partner at Home Because His OCD Made Me Late to a Dinner Party at a Restaurant? ‘

My partner has OCD that has been progressively worsening over the past year. Before we leave the house, he has a routine of doing physical and mental checks, and these checks have been taking longer and longer. It’s become such a problem that we’re running late to almost everything.

I’ve gently encouraged him to seek professional help, but he refuses and insists he can manage it on his own. Two weeks ago, we were invited to a dinner party at a restaurant hosted by my boss. I was recently promoted, and this was an important opportunity to celebrate and make a good impression.

Knowing how long his checks take, I asked him to start getting ready two hours before we needed to leave. Even with the extra time, his checks still took 30 minutes, and we were running late. I was panicking about showing up late to such an important event, so I told him I couldn’t wait any longer and left without him. I ended up being five minutes late and told my coworkers that traffic was bad.

No one seemed to care, but my partner is still mad at me two weeks later. He says I was insensitive and should have waited for him, but I feel like I couldn’t risk being even later for something so significant to my career. I don’t want to be unsupportive, but his OCD has been affecting both of us, and he refuses to get help. Am I the a**hole for leaving him at home?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

MadameAllura −  Your partner really does need help. This is now affecting your quality of life. To be honest, I would have left as well. Your partner can’t have it both ways… either seek professional help or understand that you will sometimes need to set reasonable boundaries.

HorrorShip7094 −  I have OCD. I’m sure it sucks for my partner. I would never expect them to be late to their own event, let along a professional work event, because of it. Allowing him to go through 30+ minutes of unreasonable behavior that make you late to things without challenge isn’t being “supportive”.

Being supportive is encouraging him to get help because his life and now yours is being negatively impacted by something he refuses to be treated for.  Newsflash, he’s not managing it if it’s getting worse. 

celticmusebooks −  **I’ve gently encouraged him to seek professional help, but he refuses and insists he can manage it on his own.** NTA. Sorry, but while I’m very empathetic to those dealing with mental health issues I have far less empathy for people who refuse to get professional help when their life is so gravely impacted.

He is NOT managing it “on his own” and from what you say he’s getting worse. My BIL lost his wife and almost lost his job before he finally got professional help and meds that allow him to live a better life. Sit him down and TELL him that things are going to be changing.

He will be getting professional help or he’ll need to find a divorce lawyer. Going forward you’ll give him the option to come to events was a stated time that you’ll be pulling out of the driveway at that EXACT time and if he’s not in the car he can either drive himself separately OR stay home.. It’s time for some tough love.

Fredredphooey −  NTA. You can’t be late to a dinner with your boss. It’s the same as being late to work. Tell your partner to get help or get out. 

TopAd7154 −  NTA. Your partner needs to see a professional. I can empathise with you to a certain extent. My husband has ADHD. It’s killing me. He’s medicated but there are times he forgets the renew his prescription etc and goes without. Everything is unfinished. We are always late (which makes me so anxious and angry because I’m an “early” person). He’s got no awareness of time. It’s hard. Really hard. 

jaybull222 −  NTA – I’m sorry you are both dealing with this, but honestly, while marriage is about shared burdens, it is HIS OCD, not yours. I’d start making driving separately more of a thing I did, because being late makes me crazy. Furthermore, if he doesn’t understand that you cannot be late for a work event, then that is on him.

He owes YOU an apology for putting you through all of this without giving a care about how it impacts your life that he doesn’t want to address his issues. I would use this event for a bigger talk that starts off with how you refuse to be late anymore and he can either get started on leaving early or he can meet you there when he is done with his OCD checks.

biglipsmagoo −  OCD is an explanation, not an excuse. It’s also not his fault, but it is his responsibility to manage. Those two things are things we say a lot in the ADHD sub to ppl seeking advice. The bottom line here is that your bf is not treating his disability and it’s worsening. He is 100% in the wrong here.

I’m going to say this as someone who is probably old enough to be your mom- prepare an exit plan. You can’t manage this for him but you can’t let it affect your life so severely, either. I’m assuming you live together? Have a plan so you can leave. Have a place to go and enough money saved to move out at a moments notice.

If you don’t already have that, put every spare penny away until you do. I mean EVERY spare penny. You need enough for first, last, and security on your own place close to your job, to set up utilities, and to hire movers for your stuff. Do this for yourself bc if the OCD keep going the way it’s going it’s a matter of time before you have to leave. When, not if.

It is also 100% your right to issue an ultimatum in this situation. You get help or I leave. Don’t issue it until you have the money you need, though. Bc you have to leave once you say that. And you have to be clear. You have one month to find a psych and a therapist. You have 2 mos to start medication, and you have 3 months to have a marked improvement. If not, I’m out of here.

You don’t have the right to force ppl to medicate but you absolutely do have the right to tell someone that you’ll leave if they don’t. In this situation, it’s not going to get better without medication. Look at it like diabetes.

If he was trying to control it with diet but it wasn’t working you’d tell him to get on meds bc you’re not going to watch him die. You’re not going to sit back and enable your bf to mentally die due to OCD. Take care of yourself first. Remember that you can’t love someone out of OCD and love isn’t enough to stay in this situation.

tired-and-cranky −  I have friends with OCD and it’s a struggle for them. I offer support, which can be tedious sometimes. These friends are in counseling and taking medication to manage the OCD. As much as I love them, I don’t think I could offer support if they weren’t getting treatment.

Dracarys_Aspo −  I have ocd. Sometimes support looks mean. Sometimes it’s “this has become a problem, and you need to get professional help, period.” Sometimes it’s setting boundaries for your own wellbeing, too, like refusing to leave late for compulsive behaviors.

And sometimes, you come to the conclusion that you can’t continue to support someone who refuses to help themselves. And that’s OK, too. He is not managing his ocd himself. Allowing himself to take more and more time for compulsive behaviors is detrimental to him. Insisting you stay and watch (while silent, no less) is absolutely unfair to you.

And you aren’t helping him in the long run by being complicit to his compulsions. Your own mental illness is never your fault, but it’s always your responsibility. I have a responsibility to myself and everyone around me to actively try and manage my ocd, and to seek out and accept qualified help. Progress isn’t linear, and sometimes I need room to backslide and be worse some days, but I’m still *actively working at it*.

United-Manner20 −  NTA- you cannot make him seek to help that he needs, but you can tell him that when you have plans are we driving separately.

Was it understandable for her to leave to protect her career, or did she act without considering her partner’s struggle? What are your thoughts? Share them below!