I 23F don’t want to cuddle my 24M boyfriend all night. Do I need to get over it or do he?

A young woman opens up about the ongoing tension in her relationship caused by differing sleep preferences. She loves her boyfriend but feels torn between prioritizing her own comfort and meeting his emotional needs. Now she’s wondering whether compromise is possible or if they’re simply incompatible in this area.

‘ I 23F don’t want to cuddle my 24M boyfriend all night. Do I need to get over it or do he?’

I 23F don’t want to cuddle my 24M boyfriend all night. Do I need to get over it or does he? My boyfriend is a 6’3 230lb hairy guy with a thick head of hair down to his b**t. He can fall asleep in less than a minute, and is a mouth breather. I am 5’5 120lb and have insomnia pretty bad. It’s almost impossible for me to fall asleep and stay asleep.

We have been sleeping together almost every night for months now. I will usually lay on my side and he will wrap himself around me, snoring in my ear. When im ready to fall asleep, ill roll over on my back and get comfortable. I thought this was a good compromise. But recently its not enough anymore. He has been trying to guilt trip me and is saying im not doing what a girlfriend is supposed to do. That me not showing that specific affection all night is making him feel rejected.

I have asked for us to find a position that we are both comfortable in. Since 99% of the time we are cuddling, he roughly moves me into whatever position suits him and I am left without a pillow and bent in a weird way. It’s just not comfortable for 8 hours. My justifications to why I can’t sleep like that is turned into I hate him and im not attracted to him anymore. I tryed to find positions comfortable for both of us, but since I sleep on my back, and hes got 100lbs on me, its difficult.

He then adopts the “happy wife happy life” mentality and shuts down. Saying his feelings don’t matter and I should “find a guy whos not affectionate at all, since thats all you have had in the past”. Or “fine we will just sleep like strangers, touching each other is not affection “. He will say some pretty hurtful things. Claiming they are jokes in the morning, but I have cried myself to sleep countless times over this repeated argument.

I love him very much and don’t want to end our relationship over such an odd thing. But Im afraid im missing something here or we are just simply not a match. But either way, Im done being told im a terrible girlfriend once a week or so at night. So please help me.
Is my boyfriend being mean or am I missing the deeper message?? Do I need to sacrifice my neck for his feelings? Or is there a better way to compromise? Do most couples cuddle all night???

Check out how the community responded:

numbers_all_go_to_11 −  Most adults in relationships cuddle for a few minutes then sleep in whatever position is comfortable. Sounds like he’s a big hairy weirdo.

Hadespuppy −  This is a “the Iranian yogurt is not the problem” problem. Physical contact is a two yes, one no situation. It sounds like you aren’t compatible in your sleeping preferences, but the actual concerning part is his reaction. It is possible to find some compromise between the two of you, but not when one party resorts to insults and attacks when they aren’t getting their way.

HornetUpstairs9867 −  He sounds like he’s trying to manipulate you into thinking it’s your fault or ur in the wrong, when it is completely normal for a person to need personal space to fall asleep.

Emergency_Cherry_914 −  Been with my husband for over 30 years. For most of this time, we’d have a cuddle then roll apart and sleep comfortably. Then I went into menopause, and now we cuddle for about 15secs, then I overheat and we have to sleep on our own sides. In answer to your question, you need to end the relationship. Not because he likes to snuggle but because he’s mean and hurtful.

MaggieLuisa −  He’s an i**ot. Of course you can’t sleep when he’s plastered all over you snoring. He needs to get a grip and get over himself.

MeasurementLast937 −  You don’t owe him this, and the fact that he’s guilt-tripping you over cuddles while you’re losing sleep is a glaring red flag 🚩. Why doesn’t your sleep and comfort matter to him? You don’t have to justify yourself here—a “no” is a complete sentence. If he cannot respect your boundaries, prioritize your well-being, or is willing to sacrifice your basic needs for his comfort, then it’s time to rethink things. His m**ipulative behavior suggests he’s not considering what’s best for you, so you need to start being your own best advocate and protector.

For me, I found peace by sleeping in separate bedrooms. Not because of guilt-tripping, but because I have sensory issues that make sleeping with someone in the same bed impossible. We gave it a fair shot, but let me tell you: the ultimate k**ler of romance is bad sleep. At some point, the resentment builds because he’s essentially taking away something essential for your body and brain to function. Imagine if he were depriving you of food or water under the guise of “love”—it would be unthinkable.

Now, my partner and I have separate spaces styled exactly to our individual needs. He prefers a warm, stuffy room where he can snore, grind his teeth, and occasionally shout in his dreams 😂. Meanwhile, I need a quiet, cool, ventilated space with no interruptions. And guess what? We’re happier than ever. Romance doesn’t have to live exclusively in a shared bed. In fact, having deliberate moments for cuddling and intimacy outside of sleep can actually enhance your connection.

If I were in your shoes, I’d put down hard boundaries. You’ve already gone above and beyond your comfort zone. Now it’s his turn to adapt. Could you explore sleeping in another room—like a couch or a mattress on the floor? Frame it this way: “I’ve been trying to prioritize your needs, but my sleep has suffered as a result. To take care of myself, I’ll be sleeping in other location tonight to see if it helps.”

Brace yourself—someone this m**ipulative might push back hard, especially since you’ve tolerated his behavior so far. But don’t get dragged into arguments. Stay calm, firm, and neutral, repeating your boundaries as needed: “I know this is difficult for you, but my decision is not up for debate. I need this for my health.”

If he lashes out or says something hurtful, disengage immediately. “That was uncalled for. I’m leaving this conversation, and I’ll need time to recover.” His response will tell you a lot about how he values your needs in this relationship. Honestly, I’m worried for you. A partner who truly loves you wouldn’t guilt you, manipulate your emotions, or make you cry yourself to sleep over something as basic as your right to rest. Protect your peace—it’s non-negotiable.

MissionHoneydew2209 −  I’m sorry, what?? By sleeping the way you are comfortable is being a bad gf to him?! What fuckery is this?! Sounds like he needs a Teddy Bear or a wubby. It is ridiculously controlling to expect a partner to sleep the way you dictate to them. He needs therapy and a CPAP machine. Edit spelling.

CatCharacter848 −  The question is, how long are you going to put up with this. He’s trying to guilt you into doing what he wants. Never a good sign. You’ve tried compromise. He’s all or nothing and then calls you names for not doing what he wants. Personally, I’d start sleeping apart for a bit as these arrangements are making you miserable.

VerityPee −  He’s a bully. Can you imagine knowingly making someone you love repeatedly cry and being okay with that?. No, because you’re not a bully.

Fun-Talk-4847 −  Sleep deprivation is a form of control. Get away from this controlling mouth breathing hairy beast as soon as possible.