UPDATE: AITA for not letting my friend live in my spare room?

A Redditor (female) previously posted about not letting her close friend, Bill, move into her spare room after he asked for a place to stay. In her original post, she emphasized that she didn’t want a roommate and was focused on her relationship with her girlfriend, Daisy, and her need for privacy.

While most responses supported her decision, one comment challenged her, urging her to reconsider and help her friend change his life. After some reflection, the Redditor decided to offer Bill the room temporarily and help him find a job. Read the full story below to find out what led to this heartfelt decision.

‘ UPDATE: AITA for not letting my friend live in my spare room?’

I wasn’t sure whether to post an update, but actually this sub really helped me. However, judging by the responses I got, I’m not sure whether anyone will like what happened! I first had a conversation with my girlfriend, we’ve only been together a year and I’m buying the flat completely on my own, but there was certainly a suggestion that she might move in with me depending on how things go in the next few months or so.

She was (and generally is) pretty wonderful, and she’s also met Bill and knows what he means to me. She said if I wanted to offer him my spare room for a few months then I should go for it. Then Bill. I won’t go into too much detail but I laid it all out for him.

I basically said that I didn’t want a roommate and that now that I was in a relationship, my privacy was even more important to me. I said that it was important Daisy (my goddaughter) also felt at home in my place, so the spare room was basically going to be hers. I then said that he was one of my closest friends and I’d do anything for him if I could.

I said that he could move in with me, rent free, for three months, providing he got a job and saved up some money to rent a room somewhere after. We ironed out a few more details but that was the general gist. It was really emotional, Bill kept apologising and we both cried- but it was a good conversation. The reason why I wanted to update is because wrote this comment, which was downvoted:

*NAH but these are the times I hate this sub because the bar is so low. No you aren’t an AH, but you have the opportunity to change a close friend’s life. None of those are good reasons why you can’t, they are reasons why you don’t want to. You should do better than not being an AH and be a really good human and let him come live with you.*

I really appreciated all the responses to my post, but they did initially make me righteously angry, if that makes sense? Through my N-T-A validation, I was kind of getting annoyed at Bill, thinking ‘what right did he have to my home, and how dare he be mad about an offer I made 4 years ago’.

And then I read the above comment and suddenly thought, yeah, he’s got no right to be mad at me but if he really is one of my best friends, then surely I should help him if I can? And the fact is, I totally can.

So there you go, Bill will be moving into my new place, and in the meantime I’m gonna help him rewrite his CV so he can start to look for jobs in my town. Maybe this is a bad decision, and this sub has certainly made me realise I don’t owe him anything, but it still feels like the right thing to do.. Thanks Reddit!

EDIT: Holy crap guys! I did not expect so many replies/comments! Thank you to everyone who replied, and especially thanks to the lovely person who messaged offering support for Bill to write a cover letter. Just to clarify, I’m a girl, not a guy 🙂

I do appreciate the people warning me not to do this but my mind is made up and I really think it’s the right decision. I understand it may not work out but I believe in Bill, and our friendship, and know he wouldn’t do anything to intentionally hurt me. If I’m allowed, I’ll write an update in 3/6 months (not sure how the rules of updates work in this sub?) and hopefully I can give you all good news!

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Wikidess −  Through my N-T-A validation, I was kind of getting annoyed at Bill, thinking ‘what right did he have to my home, and how dare he be mad about an offer I made 4 years ago’. And then I read the above comment and suddenly thought, yeah, he’s got no right to be mad at me but if he really is one of my best friends, then surely I should help him if I can? And the fact is, I totally can.

I love that one comment totally changed your mindset and led to you helping out your friend. Not because you owe it to him or you’d be an a**hole if you didn’t…but because you want to help him out. 🎶Friends – how many of us have them?🎶

Crazyboutdogs −  I love this update. Sometimes this sub confuses being “in the right” to not being an AH. They are in fact different things. I’m glad you and Bill were able to work it out. Best if luck to both of you.

Melissavina −  My best friend helped me start my life over by giving me space in her home with her husband and two little boys (whom I LOVE). That 6 months of generosity changed everything for me. Sure, there were moments when I felt pathetic, and raw, and embarassed to accept their charity.

I cooked and cleaned for them as much as I could (which wasn’t an amazing amount). I left when we agreed I should (well, one month later because of covid) but now I have a full-time job that I love, and I just today got approved to rent an entire house all to myself. Ill have an extra room and a big yard for a rescue dog…

I might even be able to realize my dream of fostering a child, maybe even adoption! She didn’t have to help me, neither she nor her husband owed me anything, but they had the resources and they knew I wouldn’t take advantage of them, but I WOULD take advantage of the opportunity. Now they’re proud of me, and I am too. And now I have even more reason to keep pushing; I never want to disappoint them.

brecollier −  Wow. Im so happy to hear this update. I really hope this ends up changing both your and Bill’s lives for the better. I’m blown away by the response to the original comment and the awards kind Redditors. Love everyone raising the bar together. This really made my night. Thanks.

ladypbj −  WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT. You need him to sign a contract saying that he *will* move out in 3 months or be otherwise evicted or have to pay rent – and here’s why: The guy has no visible motivation to improve his living conditions and while frustrated with his life has done next to nothing to change it.

He’s going to get *real* comfortable living in a new space and moving into his own flat is going to be a major downgrade for him and he just might resist that. You absolutely *must* lay down hard rules and be stern when he does not follow through, otherwise he will exploit you and lose all respect for you.

You *cannot* afford to be giving and charitable in this situation, because he will bleed you dry if given the opportunity. Even if it makes you feel like scum, you need to be immovable in this.. Good luck

cocoagiant −  This sub can be so frustrating. The type of comment which impacted OP is one that gets downvoted to oblivion so often. Advocating for grace and mercy on this sub so often is not viewed favorably.

klhodgin −  Advice from an HR person: make sure he has a great cover letter. When I have hundreds of resumes to dig through, one with a good cover letter really stands out. It should be a short introduction, an explanation of any gaps in employment (especially recent ones), and an explanation of why Bill would be a great fit for the job. Wish him good luck for me.

Kjeldoriann −  NTA. In fact OP is what we in New Zealand (and Australia) call a GC. Good on you mate, you’re a good friend 🙂

DemocraticPumpkin −  Great work! Good job on choosing compassion.

[Reddit User] −  RemindMe! 6 months

Do you think the Redditor made the right choice to open her home to her friend, or should she have stuck with her initial decision for her own privacy? Share your thoughts on helping friends in need and setting boundaries in the comments below!