AITA for ending things and calling him and his mom losers after he wanted his family to move in and rely on me financially?

A 40-year-old woman ended her engagement with her fiancé after realizing he prioritized his family over their relationship and planned to move his entire family into their future home without consulting her. His refusal to take responsibility for his actions and subsequent manipulative behavior led her to call him and his family “losers.” She’s now questioning whether she was too harsh. Read the full story below…

‘ AITA for ending things and calling him and his mom losers after he wanted his family to move in and rely on me financially?’

I’m ( f40) at a point in my career where I’ve been able to accomplish some things very fast and some took a loooong huge minute. I’m very grateful and ready for my new chapter, which includes relocation and a slower pace. I’m in the process of ending a relationship ( Jason M39), since I recently came to the conclusion that I can’t be with him.

I’ve given him lots of opportunities and I feel depleted and tired. Its come to a point where I get tense by merely hearing his voice. We are engaged, and we have also gotten over many bad moments in our relationship. I was extremely busy and now that I have the opportunity of finding myself a bit, I just don’t wanna get married.

He comes from a family with trauma. His parents had a very bad and long dragging divorce and their children got pulled into it. Maybe I shouldn’t talk like this but all of their kids are losers, including my fiancé. I’ve tried to ignore this, but I’m ashamed of him.

His sister has a cosmetology certificate but she refuses to get a job because she “needs” to be a SAHM, yet is always angry at her ex because his child support isn’t enough. His two brothers are musicians. One works at a hotel and sent his baby mama home to her parents as soon as she got pregnant and the other one lives a man child life.

Both BILs spend long nights playing with bands but never get paid,so they frequently have problems at their real jobs for tardiness. Jason and I had issues early on because he kept switching jobs and complaining. We reached a stable stage in our relationship until we got engaged. I don’t feel like I’m his priority.

Everything always needs to go to his family. Every plan, every potential progress, is always about giving to his family. When I got an opportunity to develop a food truck park, he immediately tried to bring his mother into it so that she could get a food stand “ to help her”. If I get a hospitality client, he immediately asks if his brothers can get hired.

Not only this, but tries to create opportunities so that they can get plugged on to whatever I’m doing and start a business sucking the life out of my clients. Of course I never allow it. PHe doesn’t understand that this has cost me lots of blood, sweat and tears to get and that I’m not okay just handing it down.

For background, I have access to both medium sized and small companies and I got my first global client last year. At the time when my career began to really pick up, Jason and I had gotten engaged and I felt comfortable sharing my progress. By Holiday season last year, I had a very complicated situation.

I needed to complete a deadline but had already bought tickets for my kids to fly to see my parents. Jason confirmed that he would go with me whenever I was ready, so I didn’t book a flight as he would drive us. I flew my kids, came back, worked my ass off and was both anxious and worried.

I kept open communication with the client, delivered by the 22nd but needed to wait for their approval, which included a visit to their location. They are manufacturers, so I was basically on call. It was approved, but Jason went MIA. It was too late to get a flight, but when he replied to give him a couple of hours I was relieved thinking that we would leave soon.

He stalled and made me wait until I started crying due to anxiety. I ended up driving myself while exhausted on Xmas Eve, which is exactly what I didn’t want. I had to stop at a motel to sleep a few hours and then get on and spent Xmas forcing myself to stay awake to be present for my family. I nearly broke up with him over this, especially when he said he didn’t leave early because his mother got emotional.

So fast forward and I have gotten good contracts. Clients have been referring other clients and I finally stabilized my schedule and have been hiring more people. I was super excited to share my progress with him. I got a very good opportunity to move closer to my family and to work for a very large company for very good money.

The minute that I told him, he started with the family business subject. He wanted me to hire a company that he would create. I am firmly opposed to this. That’s a company only on name. He wanted to “tap into anything that can be done” ( his words). He has been very insistent, but dropped it because we had a huge fight.

He’s been very enthusiastic about moving. He has a job prospect and he would earn a better salary. Last month, we found a rental property and were discussing our plans. I need a home office and bedrooms for my kids. He mentioned that he needed a spare room for guests. I immediately had a bad feeling and he said he wanted his family to stay over until they found their own jobs.

He said the family room could be converted into another extra bedroom. I could picture myself having to deal with his family and being unable to evict them. I tried to talk to him but he said it’s what he wants and he has a right to bring his family and said “period” which sounded so one sided that it has made me rethink the whole matter.

I mean, who’s gonna pay for all this? I asked if he planned on doing all this on my dime and he started throwing things. I sat him down for a serious conversation and his reasoning is that family helps family ( true in my case because we are very close, but they don’t use me as their personal raft).

I was very blunt and as honest as I could. I dont want his family living with us, and he knows that. I will not agree to financially support anyone especially after he’s made plans to spend my new money but hasn’t asked me if I agree or even if I plan on helping my own family. He has never asked if my family needs anything, it’s all about him.

He has made plans to get his family inside our new home,without offering a potential deadline, and has dropped hints about wanting a new car. I was sincere about slowly losing my respect for him because his ways have made me feel like he has no respect for my sacrifices and everything I went through to get to this point.

It wasn’t him getting sleep deprived and being constantly on the line to get things done. The conversation went nowhere because he grabbed his backpack and went out. A few days later, he told me that he got fired and sent me the memo that he got and it clearly said it was because of insubordination.

There is so much to unpack about this, from being a possible poor example to my kids to being a weak man who won’t be able to answer for our family should I be unable to support us. F**k that s**t. I can’t. I told him that I wanted to break up and he said things that are embarrassing.

He said he thought he’d finally found the love of his life but said he is dissatisfied with me because I’m taking away all of his dreams. The entire situation was cringe because he held onto the car wheel and started rocking back and forth. He accused me of being a s**b now that “I’m rich” ( I’m not rich, but I hope my opportunities keep opening up so that I can build my wealth).

I told him the problem was right there. He’s asking to stay together, but won’t work on himself. I gathered all of his belongings and asked him to come pick them up and he refused. So I had to drive to MIL’s house and once there, she confronted me. She said that I’m a wolf in sheep’s clothing by playing a “goody two shoes”

(m**on/stupid in their family slang) and secretly working to rip the family apart. She mentioned very personal things that I know I didn’t share with her and it made me so mad that I called her and all of her children losers. He keeps sending me info on couples therapy but I just don’t want it.

He won’t remove his car from my garage and he won’t take his gym equipment which is too heavy. He says he would have done it, but because I called him a l**er, he’s not removing anything because I disrespected his mom. AITA for confronting her?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

FleaQueen_ −  NTA, your ex and his family sound absolutely unbearable. He’s throwing things? And saying you are the one who is bad since they started having success when he is the gold-digger trying to help his family leech off you? Big yikes.

I’m big on if someone won’t get their stuff out of your place, give them a deadline and then throw it away the next day. A car is harder, but maybe you can report it abandoned and have it impounded at his expense?

I_wanna_be_anemone −  NTA get his car towed. His ‘family’ can pay the impound fees. Send an email or text clearly stating he has x amount of days to get his gym gear else he’s officially abandoned it. Then once the time has passed, put it up on Facebook Marketplace for a bargain. People will show up to carry the stuff out themselves. 

jjnocera −  FYI, the home gym community is huge, if you list the items on Facebook they will be bought fairly quickly.

Greedy_Philosopher25 −  YTA for not breaking up with him earlier. It sounds like he’s been destroying your life and happiness since you’ve known him. Why put up with someone in your life you can’t add to it positively? Thats what I’ve learned in life, your partner needs to be adding. They might be poorer than you, but they shouldn’t be making your life harder. It sounds like he’s been using you for quite some time.

Edit: he is an absolute l**er if he can’t grow up and so is his mom. Tell him you’re getting his car towed and selling his s**t if he doesn’t come get it. Or reach out to one of his friends to ask them to help get rid of his s**t and embarrass the f**k out of him that way.

SmoochNo −  NTA that’s not a fiancé/ex that’s a parasite. He comes from long line of parasites and they will burrow in and make noise so loud to feed on your resources that any rational thought you could possibly have, gets drowned out and in every respect, you get emptied.

It took me two years to get the parasite that latched onto me, out of my house, because I kept trying to act rationally and fairly. That won’t work with them. Tell him you’re going to report the car as abandoned and have it removed if it’s not picked immediately or x date (in writing, in accordance with local laws) and same with the gym crap.

Make sure you don’t do anything that could have him sue you for the cost of the property you’re removing if he tries to use it again. You correctly identifying him and his family as losers does not make you an automatic storage facility until you’ve learned a lesson (of what? Who cares) he’s never going to act rationally. Be careful and be guilt free walking away. Good luck! 

Nsr444 −  Nope, NTA. Go live your best life.

cassowary32 −  NTA. Please, if you make the mistake of getting back with him, make sure there is a prenup and a will and trust that leaves everything to your kids with someone you trust as the executor. You don’t want this man or his family anywhere near your finances. Make sure you lock down your credit just in case he got a hold of your information.

Robocop_Tiger −  NTA. Change your locks asap. Give him a short deadline to get the car and weights otherwise say you’re calling a tow truck, and will donate his belongings. If he comes please have witness with you. Disconnect whatever items/bills that have both your names.. Be safe. You’ll feel how great your life is without all this dead weight.

Cute-Profession9983 −  Honestly, YTA but not for breaking up. YTA for waiting so long and bringing this deadbeat and his toxic family into your CHILDREN’S lives. When choosing your next partner, think of your kids before your cooch…

stopcallingmeSteve_ −  Sell the gym equipment. Have the car towed. Leave no forwarding address. Find some slightly older bearded tattoed Canadian guy with his own money and job who’s looking for adventure, has his own grown kids and step kids and no ties to where he is. I can put you in touch.

It’s clear she faced significant disrespect and overstepped boundaries. Do you think her actions were justified, or could she have handled the situation differently? Share your opinions in the comments!