Caught Between Family Duty and Personal Life: Struggling to Balance Care for My Autistic Brother

A 28-year-old man, who has a 23-year-old autistic brother named Charlie, is grappling with his parents’ request for him and his wife to take over full-time care for Charlie. His parents, aging and struggling with their health, can no longer manage his 24/7 needs. While he loves his brother, they don’t have a close bond, and the prospect of taking on this responsibility, especially with plans to start a family, is overwhelming.

Despite his efforts to suggest alternative care options, his parents are angry, accusing him of betraying them. He seeks advice on how to communicate his decision without destroying his family relationships.

‘ Caught Between Family Duty and Personal Life: Struggling to Balance Care for My Autistic Brother’

I (28M) have an autistic brother, Charlie (23), who requires 24/7 care. My parents have taken care of him his entire life, but they’re getting older now and can’t keep up with his needs. They’ve always been selfless, sacrificing so much for him and for me, and I’m incredibly grateful for everything they did for me growing up.

As we do every year, we spent Christmas at my parents’ house. This year, they talked about their health problems and getting older, and how soon they won’t be able to care for Charlie anymore. They asked me and my wife to take over his care. They want us to visit daily, get to know his routine, and eventually take full responsibility for him.

They even suggested we move into their house since it’s suited for his needs, while they plan to move to a smaller one nearby. I was shocked. While I love Charlie, we’ve never had a close relationship. He’s non-verbal, which made it hard for me to understand him. As he got older, he became more physical and aggressive, especially toward strangers,

and I found it difficult to handle. There was a time when he even attacked my friend, which left us needing medical attention. I’ve always cared for him, but our bond has faded over the years, and he’s fixated mostly on my mom. Even though he’s calm with me, he doesn’t really connect with me the way he does with her.

My wife and I both work full-time. She works in customer service, and I work in marketing, which gives us some flexibility, but we still can’t provide the 24/7 care Charlie needs. We’re also planning to have kids soon, so taking on this responsibility feels overwhelming.

I tried explaining this to my parents, but they said we could cut our work hours since we’d save money on rent by living in their house. They also told me they’ve tried hiring a caretaker or putting him in a special facility, but nothing worked. They believe we’re his only option now.

I know this sounds selfish, but I’m just not willing to give up my life. I’ve seen what my parents have gone through—giving up friends, hobbies, and even my mom’s job—just to care for Charlie. A couple of months ago, my dad even admitted feeling depressed and miserable. I love spending time with my wife, traveling, working on my career, and maintaining a good social life. I can’t sacrifice all of that.

Since I refused, my parents have been begging me to reconsider. I’ve told them my decision is final, but I want to offer support in other ways. I’ve started researching options in our area, like care facilities or a live-in caretaker. I found some options, but Charlie wouldn’t accept a change in environment, and a live-in aide would likely be very expensive.

Now my parents are angry, and my mom told me I’m betraying her and abandoning Charlie. She said I’m the only family Charlie has left and I need to take care of him when they can’t. They’ve said they don’t want to talk to me unless I’m ready to take responsibility.

I love my parents deeply, and I don’t want to break our relationship, but I can’t give up everything for this. I want to help them understand my perspective and find a solution for Charlie. How can I communicate this to them in a way that doesn’t destroy our bond? Any advice on what I can do next would be greatly appreciated.

Check out how the community responded:

UsuallyWrite2 −  What a tough situation. I’m glad you said no. Not only would this likely negatively impact your marriage and your life in general, you simply aren’t trained/equipped to manage his care. As someone who has worked in home health/hospice, one of the saddest things I see are families who have tried to do it themselves and while doing their best, it’s fallen far short of acceptable, and way way below best practices, standard of care.

They really should have been making arrangements for him. Long term care insurance, disability, whatever is available in your country. He may have a challenging time adapting to a new environment but….that can be mitigated. And it probably could have gone better had they employed appropriate services all along the way.

Your parents’ expectations of you are simply unrealistic and out of line. Don’t let them guilt you into any of this.

Mpegirl2006 −  Your dad admitted to feeling depressed and miserable but he’s okay putting you in the same situation that caused this? Well, I guess since they seem fine with you and your wife giving up your lives, he wouldn’t be interested in the quality of your life.

ShinyArtist −  What your parents should do is sell their home, move into a smaller one and use the money left to put your brother a good home. You need to convince them it’s time to get professional help, people who are trained better than you or your wife ever could be.

Sufficient-Dinner-27 −  Your parents can’t be so old that they need new caregivers for Charlie right now. They have time to explore options and get those options in place. They’ve procrastinated, expecting and now demanding you take on this task. Do not do it. It’s unthinkable to me that a parent would expect such a burden be assumed by another ‘child’.

And your WIFE! They have no right making such demands on her. If as you say, there are public facilities in the area, it’s time for YOUR PARENTS to step up and place Charlie NOW. They may not be ideal, but they aren’t impossible, as is what they’re demanding of you.

Of course Charlie may have difficulty adjusting, but it must be done now while your parents have plenty of time to visit him regularly to help ease his transition. Do not do this. I know your parents are suffering but you can’t sacrifice your life, marriage and career to them or your brother.

SizeDistinct1616 −  For now give your parents some space, but don’t give in to their m**ipulative emotional abuse and threats. As much as it sucks, there’s only one real solution here. Charlie will have to go into a care home, even if he dislikes it.

lilolememe −  Sorry, OP. Stop talking to your parents. Give them what they want. They made a decision without even consulting you. They should be angry at themselves, but they aren’t. They’re trying to manipulate you emotionally and guilting you to do what they want. They don’t understand this will only go badly for you and your brother.

You’ll grow to resent your parents and him, and you won’t be able to give him the proper car he needs with work and especially once your own children come along. Hopefully, eventually they’ll come to realize what they’re doing when they don’t hear from you and have to make other plans for Charlie. They owe you an apology.

Equal-Concept4545 −  They want to be able to retire from caring for him without having to feel the guilt of retiring from it. If he’s with you, they get to say he’s still with family. It’s understandable, but very selfish. You shouldn’t be the one to care for him.

He should be in a residential setting that is designed for people with his type of needs. It’s just the reality of the situation. You can help by visiting him there, helping with money when you can, etc.

For2n8Witch −  This is called Parentification, and it’s incredibly m**ipulative.  You did not choose to give birth to Charlie, and he is not your personal responsibility. His caregiving is their burden to figure out. You’ve offered to help and if that’s not good enough, don’t do a damned thing. 🤷 There are adult fostercare homes and facilities that could potentially manage your brother’s needs and take the burden off your parents. 

Equivalent-Tree-9915 −  First your parents are tired, so don’t take what they say to much to heart. Secondly, and most importantly your brother isn’t going to react well to the only caretakers he’s ever had leaving the home and not being with him. So either way is going to be hard on him but the best solution for him and everyone else is to move him to an appropriate facility where his needs are met.

It will take him time to settle in, but so would changing his caretakers at home. You are not his parent and you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your life and your wife’s life for him. That is too much to ask.