I’m 49M, wife 46F wants kids, I don’t. How do I handle this?

A 49-year-old man shared a deeply personal dilemma regarding his marriage to his 46-year-old wife. When they married, they mutually agreed not to have children, as he already has three from a previous marriage. However, two years ago, his wife changed her mind and now strongly desires to have a child.

Despite carefully reconsidering, he ultimately stands by his decision not to have more children, citing age, energy, and concerns about genetic factors. This disagreement has created tension and resentment in their relationship, leaving him unsure of how to navigate this impasse.

‘ I’m 49M, wife 46F wants kids, I don’t. How do I handle this?’

I’ll try to keep it short: We’ve been married 5 years. I have three children from a previous marriage, my wife has never been married previously and has no kids. We had a discussion before we married about the fact that I don’t want to have any more children, and she initially agreed.

I feel too old and tired already to start over, plus two of my children are autistic so I’m worried about any possible genetic components to that (I’m not trying to start a debate about the science of that – I know the real cause of Autism isn’t fully understood). So I thought we were on the same page with it.

About two years ago, she informs me that she’s changed her mind, and really wants children. I really do understand her desire, and I totally get that the biological clock is about to run out for her. So I said that I would think about it. I gave it serious consideration but ultimately landed on my original decision.

She is hurt and angry with me all the time now and has started resenting the fact that I already have kids – especially my daughter who just had a child of her own. This is breaking my marriage and I don’t know how to handle it. This isn’t one of those issues that we can compromise on – either we have kids or we don’t.

One of us gives in, and the other sacrifices for that choice. Thanks for reading. I would really appreciate some feedback on this.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

SizeDistinct1616 −  Unfortunately you need to tell her that having more kids isn’t ever going to happen, and she either needs to learn to accept that, or you guys need to separate so she can find a man who does want to have a child with her.

Goofy-Octopus −  This really sucks. But buddy, she’s the one who changed her mind. Not you. She has the right to be disappointed that you didn’t change your mind with her, but not resentful or upset with you. If you are truly not up for another child, do NOT give in. That is not something to compromise on.

Parenting is way too important to agree to if you’re not up for it. As difficult as this is, i would just be very honest with her: We agreed we would not have children together. You have changed your mind on that, I have not. I am sorry but I made my decision and it’s not going to change. therefore, The ball is in your court.

If a baby is a non-negotiable for you, then it appears we are going to have to separate, and I will wish you nothing but the best wishes and be happy for you pursing something that fills your heart and life. But that journey is not one I can go on with you.

And let her make her choice. I hate that you’re in such a tough spot. It’s really unfortunate and honestly no one’s fault. People’s wants, needs, feelings do change sometimes. That is allowed. This is life. You entered the marriage in good faith but your journeys just may take you in different directions. Good luck to you, friend.

Jen5872 −  I’m sorry, but at 46 I think your wife has missed that baby train. At 46 she only has about a 10% chance of getting pregnant. Also at this age 90% of her eggs have developed defects in structure and function resulting in non-viable pregnancies, birth defects, and genetic disorders.

Perhaps your wife should have a talk with her OB/Gyn to discuss the reality of having a baby at her age. Maybe hearing the facts from a professional will help. I think a lot of heartbreak lies ahead for your wife no matter what happens.

Vvvvvhonestopinion −  The chance of her having a child naturally at 46 is very slim. It will involve IVF which is not guaranteed to be successful. If you go through it, each unsuccessful attempt will eat at you both, mentally and financially. If you are successful, you will be looking after an infant in your late 40s or early 50s.

You were straightforward and honest from the start. You don’t want anymore kids. I have a suspicion she was lying and agreed to not have kids, thinking she could change your mind after the marriage. Now, she’s panicking. If you can’t agree about this, unfortunately, separation is the best solution. Do not “compromise” by having another child and regretting it later.

Purple_Bowling_Shoes −  Well, you already said it. This isn’t something you can compromise on, it requires two yeses. Unfortunately you have to have a serious discussion about this and decide whether to stay together without children or separate. Your reasons for not wanting them, though valid, aren’t relevant. You don’t need to justify it; as we tell women all the time, “No” is a complete sentence. 

Det_Amy_Santiago −  Honestly it’s pretty irresponsible to *start* having kids at your ages.

HandBananasRevenge −  Hate to be blunt, but your wife made choices in her life that resulted in her not being married until her 40’s and never having children. She’s 46 and in denial. She can’t have it all. 

skeeter04 −  Maybe just bay fever associated with menopause , especially if it came out of nowhere