AITA for humiliating a man and his entire family when he proposed to me?

A Reddit user shares her explosive fallout with her traditional Indian family after they ambushed her with a surprise marriage proposal from a man she had never met. Despite making it clear she didn’t want to marry, her family orchestrated a public proposal at a “welcome home party.” Feeling tricked and manipulated, she rejected the proposal and harshly confronted everyone involved. Now she’s being accused of humiliating the man and both families. Invite people to read the original story below.

‘ AITA for humiliating a man and his entire family when he proposed to me?’

I(28f) come from a very traditional Indian family. I left them when I came to USA for uni because I knew that if I accepted their help in paying my fees they would hold it against me later and I got a part time job along with the financial aid I was receiving. I maintained low contact and didn’t visit them in person until I was 26, when they contacted me on my younger brother passing uni.

For the last two years, I have visited them four times and each time they’ve been talking about marriage although I stated very clearly that I wasn’t interested. They brought up kids and how finding guys willing to marry older women was hard. I said no problem because I’m child free and that I don’t need/want them to find a guy for me.

January this year, I went to visit them and they said that they had something ‘special’ for me and that I would absolutely love it. The day after I reached their home, they said they were throwing me a ‘welcome home party’. I thought they were trying to fix our relationship and let it be.

They invited a lot of people and it had obviously already been planned. An hour in, my parents introduced me to a man in his thirties(F) and his parents. So, next thing I know, F goes down on one knee and whips out a beautiful ring. I’m surprised and angry at my parents for still trying to control my life and putting me in such a situation.

I said no, but then our parents began to push my buttons and I exploded. I called F, his parents and my parents low-lifes for trying to trick me and basically insulted their views, calling them misogynistic and disgusting.

Told them to go f themselves and left. I packed my bags and went to stay at a hotel until it was time for my flight. My mom cried and begged me to stay and said that they had already paid for half of the dowry and ring. I stopped responding to my parent’s calls and texts because I was done with them.

My cousins and some old friends have been telling me that I was being unfair by being so rude to F and his parents. Thing is, they were in on it. They expected me to say yes and sent me a lot of insults when I refused to reconsider.

They were humiliated and in their tiny group of small-minded people, my parents were being ostracized for raising a ‘whore’ of a daughter. F and his parents were also humiliated because they were rejected by a ‘whore’. AITA for being so rude? I feel like I should’ve handled the situation more delicately, rather than blowing up at all of them.

EDIT: Wow! I did not expect so many NTA’s or responses. When I said that they were ‘in on it’ I meant that my parents had told them that I hadn’t met the ‘right guy’ and that I would come around, which is why they kept trying. My parents expected me to surrender all my savings and money to F, live with F and his family in India, procreate with F three times and do all the housework when I can’t even make a poached egg.

About letting me go to college, I told them two weeks before leaving for it and lived at my friend’s house with all my important documents, because I knew that they would do pretty much anything to keep me from going. They called my uni and said that I wouldn’t be joining. Uni contacted me and I cleared it up. That’s why I didn’t talk to them and declined to let them pay.

For those of you who told me to wear a faux ring- I’m engaged to my girlfriend of five years and my parents aren’t getting an invite to the wedding. I knew that they’d ask me about it if they saw it and disapprove of anyone that wasn’t Indian- let alone a female. Thank you for your responses and I am never talking to my parents again.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Cautious_Potential35 −  NTA.. But don’t go back.. In case they trap you

Servantofbosco −  Get on that plane and don’t go back. You have seen what they will do if you do. If, and I mean IF you keep contact, get a wedding ring to wear. That they will see. It doesn’t have to be real or have a man attached to it, but if they see you are taken, they (may) not try another stunt like this. You are NTA. They embarrassed themselves by underestimating your independence, strength and stubbornness. Good for you 🙂

PoorCorrelation −  NTA. This was a trap that they knew they were setting and you didn’t fall for it. It doesn’t sound like you owe these people anything and if they think they can use money to goat you into marriage the least they can do is write a check so you can burn it

[Reddit User] −  How DARE you?????!!?!??. NTA. You’re kidding, right? You know there’s no way you’re the AH here. You probably also know you really couldn’t have done anything any better than you did.

Here’s what you don’t know: your story needs to be told. You made a whole bunch of really good decisions that a lot of girls in India (and other countries) don’t think they can make. They fall for all the traps that are set by the family pressure and the forced dependence. I don’t know, a YouTube video or something? Your story needs to get out there. It’s the 21st century, people are entitled to live their own lives.

mikl0ser −  NTA! What they did to you was m**ipulative and so so controlling. It’s great that you are completely independent from them and I wouldn’t blame you for going complete no contact. That culture is likely very ingrained in your family’s minds and lives, so much so that they won’t be likely to change their views anytime soon. I don’t think what you did was really rude considering the situation and pressure they put on you, all without your consent.

jpcats −  F and his parents were also humiliated because they were rejected by a ‘whore’. Lol…so if you are a whore, what does he care what you think? Why would he want to marry a whore? I dont understand this logic.

Anyway as someone who was involved with an Indian woman and her very controlling family, I bowed out of that entire mess and did not marry her. I refused to be a third wheel to my own marriage and have to defer to people halfway around the globe who I never met. Not even my culture. Good luck to you. Continue doing what makes you happy. Dont look back. NTA

[Reddit User] −  NTA. You told them several times how you felt about the situation and that you wanted a relationship on your terms, if it ever happened. They didn’t listen and popped a surprise proposal on you without warning or regard to your wishes.

After you said no, they kept pushing you. You owe them nothing at this point as you explained your position clearly multiple times. They are the AHs for not listening to your desires where all of this is concerned. I wish you the best moving forward and suggest going low-no contact again for a while. If only for your sanity.

AthenaisLaMontespan −  NTA. Why did they think that this was going to work?

m0v00mw −  NTA. Your family and their backward ass 17th century views on women as property with no self determination or worth other than as wives or baby factories are garbage with no place in today’s world.

One of my good friends in school had the entire world going for her, great degree from a great college, intelligent, super bright outlook on life and amazing attitude. She could have been a CEO or Senator or self made millionaire by 40.

Instead her family basically did the same thing they did to you, ambushed her when she went home with an arranged marriage, and told her she would be the shame of the family and community if she said no.

So she relented and married the guy. She ended up having 4 kids with him so far, and is still in India, having never came back to the States, and completely hating her life, almost suicidal sometimes. They deserve to be shamed and humiliated. Run away, run fast, and run far and NEVER look back.

teke367 −  Edited to NTA since apparently that’s not how you propose regardless (for F, the others were TA from the beginning). You said they were “in on it”, does that mean you know they were aware that this was not something you’d be into?

This isn’t my wheelhouse, so “in on it” to me could mean “they’re just as culpable” as your parents, or it could me, “they knew there was going to be a proposal, but not necessarily that you were against the notion”.

*If* you share in the “a**hole” at all (because if it’s not N.T.A it would be E.S.H, you definitely wouldn’t be the *only* a**hole here) would be if you lashed at people who were misled. Your parents of course, his parents, yes (for the insults after you refused if nothing else), I can’t tell if “F” is included in that or not, but it so then he is as well.

Do you think the Redditor was justified in her reaction, given the surprise proposal and pressure from her family? Or could she have handled the situation more delicately to avoid escalating the tension? Share your thoughts below!