My girlfriend (31F) is struggling with quitting nicotine and I (30M) don’t know what to do ?

A Reddit user shared their struggles with their girlfriend’s nicotine addiction and the impact it has had on their relationship. Despite her efforts to quit, she has been inconsistent and occasionally deceptive about her usage, causing tension between them. The user, who has a personal history of trauma linked to nicotine, finds it difficult to support her while respecting his own boundaries.

After a recent fight during their vacation, the girlfriend admitted she doesn’t want to quit entirely but feels pressured to do so for the relationship. Now, the user is questioning how to navigate this complicated dynamic. To learn more about the story and how others have weighed in, read the full story below.

‘ My girlfriend (31F) is struggling with quitting nicotine and I (30M) don’t know what to do ?’

My girlfriend used to vape and consume one tin of 20 mg snus/pouches with tobacco daily. Initially, I overlooked her vaping habit due to my “rose-colored glasses” and believed there wouldn’t be any problems. However, as time passed, I witnessed her becoming anxious when she ran out of snus, as it’s more challenging to obtain in my country.

This reminded me of my father, a cigarette addict. I noticed the fluctuations in her moods when she was deprived of nicotine or when she missed her usual nicotine fix. Recognizing that I couldn’t and shouldn’t try to force her to quit since it was her choice, I wanted to end our relationship. She initially agreed to quit both vaping and snus.

However, she then attempted to alter the narrative, saying that she wasn’t quitting the pouches. While she did switch from the more potent Swedish tobacco to 7 mg Velo, she continued to use two pouches each time, eliminating the tobacco component and leaving only nicotine. She attempted to convince herself and me that I was only concerned about the vaping,

not the pouches, despite her initial statement. I was unhappy because she had lied to me—she knew what she had said but somehow altered her thoughts. I had already been prepared to leave before all this transpired, and she made an ultimatum for herself.

There are numerous traumas associated with cigarettes and nicotine in my past that I don’t wish to delve into in detail here, but I have to express that I dislike nicotine and have formed a preference for a partner who doesn’t abuse the substance.

She then said she would quit the pouches as well, but on her own terms—or she would hate me (which gradually evolved into her blaming me instead of hating me). But now she’s blaming me anyway. She has been slowly weaning off, and now we’re back on vacation. She’s only using three 3 mg Zyns per day on a timed schedule.

But before we left for the vacation home, I had a feeling that snus would somehow be involved. Unfortunately, I was right. She found four cans of snus in the vacation home and didn’t tell me for a week, even though she knew it would upset me. She only told me after we got into a fight, which she started for other reasons.

She kept saying she was done with the relationship, but we kept fighting. I told her, “If you’re done, then I’ll just get on the next plane home.” We were being dramatic, I guess. But she stormed off, turned her location off on iCloud, and came back after a while.

We fought a bit more and worked through some issues, but then she explained to me that she had the four tins of snus and took them with her to the supercharger to charge the car. She threw away three tins but kept one pouch, stared at it, and threw it in the trash. She said she was keeping the last tin to control her addiction.

I wasn’t happy about the dishonesty, but she said she was doing all of this for herself and that if I knew, I would have made her throw them away (which isn’t true—I’ve never made her throw anything away). I was ready to leave a month ago over all of this. She said it was something she wanted to control.

I want to believe her, but it makes me feel like she’s just trying to keep it close. Especially since she almost slipped up.   Anyway, I was upset that she had kept it from me and more upset that I was right about snus being involved during our vacation. A few days later, we were in the shower, and we had a discussion about nicotine.

She said she was blaming me for her wanting to quit. and she told me she wanted other reasons to quit because she didn’t really want to quit. I told her, “Don’t do something you don’t want to do then,” and she said she didn’t want to lose me, so she would. I tried to explain my past trauma with my dad and why I think nicotine is bad (I’m sure some people here will disagree, but everyone has different preferences).

She asked me to help her villainize it, but she won’t see my perspective. I don’t know how. She also tried to convince me to make some sort of compromise where she can use it sometimes for a year, which caught me off guard. I asked her why she liked it, and she said it calms her down—she feels like something in her throat (anxiety) goes away when she uses it.

I asked her why she’s self-prescribing nicotine for anxiety. She said, “Well, it’s either SSRIs or nicotine, and I think nicotine is better.”I tried to explain that she grew up with poor influences—her whole family (brothers, mom, dad, etc.) all abused nicotine in one form or another. I asked her why she thought she couldn’t survive without it.

She responded that she couldn’t “raw-dog life,” and it was like I was talking to the nicotine itself. She said, “If it’s not nicotine, what would you prefer I use instead?”   She told me the last 5 years have been hell because she quit smoking cigarettes in a past relationship. She relapsed earlier this year but quit after a week (cigarettes).

She said nothing felt better than nicotine and smoking cigarettes and how she feels a void without it. She feels like nicotine “checks a box.” As someone who has no experience helping people quit, I don’t know what to do or say to this. I tried to explain the brain’s reward system and how nicotine is controlling her, but she kept saying, “To me, it’s just nicotine.”

She asked me to give her more reasons to quit, but nothing I said stuck. I told her about the potential negative health effects, and she just laughed because they haven’t affected her yet, so she didn’t care.   I used to help her log her usage because she wouldn’t stay honest with herself about it. She eventually started logging her own times.

But during our conversation in the shower, she told me she thinks I’m a control freak for tracking her usage even though she asked me to in the first place. She seems to have a deluded view of life without nicotine. She says it’s horrible, and she used to self-harm for years, blaming it on nicotine when really she admitted it was just her coping mechanism from a past unhealthy relationship.

She’s convinced herself that life without nicotine is hell. I did the same thing with Vyvanse (an alternative) before I quit—I convinced myself that life without it would be unbearable. Eventually, I quit and realized how delusional I had been. And that everything is fine.

Now, I just don’t know what to do. I feel lost. She wants to quit but doesn’t see why she should, other than for me. She says she’s doing it for me and blames me every time she takes a Zyn. After our conversation in the shower, I just don’t know how to help her. She says she gets angry every time she uses the 3 mg zyns because she thinks of me.      

Check out how the community responded:

PunkLibrarian032120 −  If the reason your GF is attempting to quit is to stay in the relationship with you, her resolve won’t last.  Another commenter mentioned that there are medications to help her quit. Those can be effective, but again, your GF actually has to want to quit. Otherwise she’ll stop taking the meds.

It doesn’t sound like she’s ready to quit. As you said that you don’t want to be with someone who is addicted to nicotine or any other substance, you two have a deal-breaking incompatibility.

Same-Farm8624 −  I have never used nicotine in any form but both of my parents used to smoke. My mother explained that when she was a smoker she would want a cigarette to reduce anxiety but after she broke the addiction she realized the addiction itself caused the anxiety.

Nicotine is highly addictive and it can take a long period of abstinence before the person feels okay without nicotine. A common side effect of quitting is weight gain which really upsets some people. I am not sure you are compatible long term.

MonitorOfChaos −  Ex-Smoker here. You typed out so much irrelevant detail. To you it is relevant but in truth it isn’t. Your girlfriend is addicted to nicotine. She will only quit when she wants to and if losing you isn’t stronger than the addiction she won’t quit. No matter what you say, what she says that’s the reality.

She will make every excuse, try to redefine agreements, say she didn’t agree to “x”, claim she never said something , and say you guys had a miscommunication but those are all lies. She doesn’t want to quit. When I look back, I don’t understand why it was so hard to quit but it was. Your option is to decide to stay or go.

SuperCat2023 −  Quitting is super hard. I was a smoker and relapsed many times. The only thing that really helped me is picking up running and getting obsessed with it. Obviously if you smoke a pack a day you can’t be good so I completely stopped lol. Be nice with her because nicotine is one of the hardest drugs to quit and I’m not even exaggerating.

Withdrawal symptoms are not dangerous for the body so that’s the only reason why people don’t think it’s “that hard” to quit but it is. Good news is that it only takes 2 weeks for your body to get rid of the nicotine and its addiction for it. Mental addiction stays longer (forever?) But is way easier to control.

cwtotaro −  Get her the book “The Easy Way To Quit Smoking.” I read it, did exactly what it said to do, and smoked my last cigarette as I read the last page. I smoked for over 20 years and haven’t even considered one for the last 14. It really was that easy.

EsquELISCr −  We know for a fact that quitting nicotine ain’t easy, have you checked out National Quitline?

astropastrogirl −  Nicotine is more addictive than heroin

LeBronzeFlamez −  I use it myself, and so do many of my friends and family. It is obvious you do not understand how snus works.  It is extremely hard to quit even if you really want to. I have tried for real two times and a few half hearted attempts. It is the same story for everyone I know.

In general women around here only quit when they want to get pregnant, same for men if they need to get their sperm count up. The longest I managed was 6 months, and then from the first snus I was right back at it, like I never stopped. Most people I know have the same experience.

So there is no point to tell me anything logical about it, or to tapper off or whatever, to quit snus is not the same as giving up alcohol or weed. If you want to put yourself in her shoes try quitting coffee if you are a drinker or sugar if you have a sweet tooth.

So basically you have set yourself up here, because she was using it when you started dating and it is unlikely she would have been serious about trying to quit if it was not for your crusade.
While there is no doubt it is bad for you (how bad is scientifically disputed), but it is also no doubt that it is better than cigarettes and vaping.

To call it drugs is a bit like calling coffee a d**g in my book, you won’t get far with that. Because most people associate drugs with something that gets you high, snus don’t.  A classic is to quit, maybe keep it steady for a while, then having a cigarette or two, then five and all of a sudden you smoke/vape. Then falling back to snus.

This make snus the sensible choice for a lot of people.  Bottom line, you are entitled to your boundaries, but I get that your partner is pissed. You obviously can’t force her to quit and you have no business being on her case about this. Mood swings and anxiety are like the #1 and #2 of the quitting process, it will be a hell of a ride if she tries for real.

From what you write my take is that she does not really really want to quit, therefore it is extremely likely she will fail even if she tries.  I would reevaluate my boundary and decide if I can date someone that snus or not.

SizeDistinct1616 −  There’s medication she can take for a few months that will help her quit. It basically blocks the brains nicotine receptors.

kimness1982 −  First of all, that was way too much to read. Anyways, your girlfriend doesn’t want to quit nicotine, if she did she would do it. This sounds f**king exhausting, just break up with her and find someone who doesn’t smoke/vape/dip/snu.