AITA for returning the shoes I got for my husband after he accused me of stealing from him?

A Redditor shares a heated conflict with her husband after buying him a pair of discounted sneakers during a grocery shopping trip. Despite thinking it was a thoughtful gesture, her husband accused her of “stealing” since the purchase wasn’t on their pre-approved list. Hurt by the accusation, the Redditor returned the sneakers, only for her husband to be furious when he found out. The argument escalated, leaving her questioning whether she was in the wrong for trying to do something nice. Invite people to read the original story below.

‘ AITA for returning the shoes I got for my husband after he accused me of stealing from him?’

My [29] husband [36] is the breadwinner of the family. I stay home with the kids who are preschool age. He pays for the mortgage, bills, household needs, food, kids needs…..etc he has set a monthly budget for each category and handles getting everything done.

Recently, he has become o**rwhelmed and told me to handle grocery shopping but before he let me, he asked me to write a list of all the stuff we need so he could calculate the total and also so he’d have an idea how much I’ll be spending when I take his credit card. I didn’t have an issue with that because this way we’d watch our spending habits. however, he said I’m never allowed to get something that isn’t on the list unless I’m paying for it some other way.

On friday I was doing some grocery shopping as usual and saw that the store had some nice shoes on sale. the price was insanly low for this brand and so I decided to grab a pair for my husband thinking he’d be happy with them since he needed new sneakers anyway.

I bought them and when I showed them to him he flipped out on me saying I made a huge mistake by buying something that was not on the list. I agreed with him but I thought that since the shoes were for him then it’d be different, he said I screwed up and shouldn’t have bought those sneakers without even telling him.

but in my defense I said that the price was low so it’s not like I spent $100 on shoes, and also I saw this as a great deal and wanted him to have those nice sneakers. He plainly said that what I did is considered “stealing” since he never consented to have those sneakers purchased and said that I’m being irresponsible with money that is why I no longer have an income and my spending habits need a “grib”.

I felt hurt by what he said. We argued about it for hours and he avoided speaking to me the rest of the day. The next day I went and returned the sneakers and took the money back. He got home in the evening and lost it when he found out I returned them. He said he couldn’t believe how petty and childish I was to do actually do this.

I explained I was just correcting my “mistake”. he tried to contact the store and was told the sneakers were already sold. He got even angrier with me but I told him that he accused me of stealing for him when I was just trying to do a nice gesture for him, He yelled that I had a lot of nerve calling what I did “nice gesture” while using his money to do it. I told him he had no right to yell at me after I corrected my “mistake” and gave back the money he accused me of stealing.

He threw a fit then went out with his friends and came home late at night still not talking to me. Did I mess up? maybe I shouldn’t have purchased them knowing they weren’t on the list but I just wanted him to have those sneakers and thought I was doing a nice gesture.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Tical79 −  NTA. With that said, something else to add:. Get the hell out of there. I lost count how many red flags there were in this short story. Just to recap:

– You have zero knowledge of and input into your family’s financial situation by design

– You have to get pre-approval for an action as mundane as grocery shopping

– Acting even slightly independently was met with extreme anger and accusations

– When you tried to defend yourself, you were DARVO’d and berated

– Again, acting independently, even to correct a “mistake” was met with an equal amount of anger

– The entire ordeal you were kept emotionally unstable and purposely left that way with no resolution possible.

My God, it’s like LeBron and Serena hooked up and had a super baby, and the sport they played was abuse-ball. This is not en exaggeration. You are being abused. Someone better than me will hopefully reply with an outline of a plan and resources. Please consider yourself and your kids OP.. —–

Edit to include DARVO since some aren’t familiar: – DARVO = Deny Attack Reverse Victim and Offender. Short version – technique abusers use to make others, including the victim, think they are the wronged party. Effectively creates a shield for the abuser that is hard to articulate for the abused.. —–

Edit #2 – A lot of comments to emphasize the “his money” thing. It’s not his money if both of you are working. You just happen to work as a SAHM. 

EDIT #3 (final unless OP responds). As hoped, there were some people more experienced in this area than me that provided some really good links. Thank you everyone who took the time to do so. It may help the OP or someone in a similar situation.

ShallWeStartThen −  NTA- ‘his’ money? Charge him for cooking, cleaning, laundry, general housekeeping and childcare then. If you are a SAHM he earns family money- this is financial abuse. As for the argument that you ‘stole’ his money to buy him a gift, it is beyond fucked up. If you decide to stay with him, surely you should stop buying him birthday and Christmas presents- by his own logic you are stealing from him.

MotherOfCrotchFruit −  This is financial and emotional abuse and beyond Reddit’s pay grade.. You need an exit plan OP

Status-Pattern7539 −  NTA. You are in an abusive relationship. Please look up local options in your area for help.

lilymoscovitz −  NTA. This is financial and emotional abuse. Please seek help.

BeJane759 −  NTA. This is both financial abuse and emotional abuse. Financial abuse involves the abuser controlling the victim’s ability to acquire, use and maintain financial resources, and it can be a precursor to physical abuse, because if a victim has no financial resources, it’s much harder for them to leave.

The fact that you stay home with your kids does not mean that all of the family’s money is his. If you returned to work, both of you would have to pay a significant amount of money for childcare, so what you are doing is neither free nor worthless. The money in your family’s bank account is every bit as much yours as it is his.

Again, his behavior is abusive. Please seek out help for yourself, as this abuse can very easily escalate. ETA, thank you for the gold, kind stranger! Sincerely hope OP takes all of these comments to heart.

BuskaNFafner −  NTA but I am seriously concerned for you. Almost ask couples in your same situation with only one breadwinner SHARE finances. So you should have your own credit card and be able to make reasonable purchases without discussion.

Preference-Prudent −  NTA. I hate stuff like this. I’m the breadwinner in my family and would never never NEvEr tell my husband he’s stealing my money. Because it isn’t just mine. I am able to work the hours and way I do (12 hr shifts) because he watches the kids and takes care of my home. If it was mine, it would be a lot less because I’d be paying for childcare!

I almost wish SAHMs had a way of drawing up a contract w their breadwinner person sometimes because I see so many thinking it means “I work and get to control all the $ and they’re just lucky to exist in my house!!”

It says a lot that your husband freaked out both when you bought the shoes and when you tried to fix your “mistake.” Which I’m sorry, wasn’t a mistake as you are an adult using your household’s money. He didn’t marry a child, he shouldn’t feel entitled to treat you like one. You wouldnt be TA even if the question was just over buying some shoes. This sounds very financial abuse, to me. You’ll need to tell him this is BS and see if he’s going to continue this crap or if he was just stressed out or something.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. Financial and emotional abuse are still abuse. It’s not just about whether he hits you

MsLollister −  This is financial abuse. He is using money to control you. Good for you to return them, he seems immature and need to get a reality check that you do a lot of work at home and not getting paid for it.. I’d d**p his ass personally.

Do you think the Redditor was justified in returning the shoes after being accused of stealing, or was her husband right to be upset about the unapproved purchase? How would you handle financial disagreements in a relationship with strict budgeting rules? Share your thoughts below!