AITA for letting my nephew to call me mom?

A Reddit user (likely 30s-40s) describes a complicated family dynamic involving their nephew, Billy, and their brother and sister-in-law (SIL). Billy, initially neglected and treated poorly by his parents, was sent to live with the user and their husband, where he thrived and grew close to them.

As a result, Billy began calling the user “Mom,” which has led to tension with the SIL, who feels hurt and rejected by Billy’s choice. The SIL now demands that the user make Billy stop referring to them as “Mom,” but the user feels a deep maternal bond with Billy and doesn’t want to disrespect his wishes. The user is now questioning if they’re in the wrong for not complying with their SIL’s request.

‘ AITA for letting my nephew to call me mom?’

Awhile back, my brother married a woman who had an 11 year old son named “Billy”. A year later my SIL gave birth to a little girl. Two years later, she gave birth to a boy. Billy, who was 14 by this time, was treated like an outsider. My SIL and brother saw him as a burden who spoiled their picture perfect family.

If you asked my SIL how many kids she had, she would say two. Billy started acting out. He got involved with a bad group of kids and started getting into trouble. He started failing all of his classes. He eventually got into drugs and was suspended from school. My brother and SIL were fed up with him.

I asked my brother if Billy could spend the summer with me and my husband. We have a hobby farm and I thought maybe getting away from his life for awhile could help him some. Well, they were more than happy to get rid of him (my SIL’s words). It was kind of rough the first few weeks. He had a lot of anger issues.

But my husband kept his hands and mind busy doing work on the farm. And we both made sure that he knew he was loved and wanted. By August, he was a totally different kid. He wanted to keep living with us but my SIL insisted that he come home. After two months, he went back to his old ways due to his parents indifference.

They ended up sending him back to us and he lived with us throughout high school. He ended up being an A/B student and kept with a really great group of kids. He got involved in baseball and got a scholarship to a local university. He’s 22 now and is in his last year of school. He’s engaged to a really great girl.

When he was 16 he started calling me Mom and he started calling my husband Pops. He never really had much to do with his mom and he had nothing to do with my brother. He saw them on holidays when the whole family came over. His mom has tried to have a relationship with him the past few years but he has avoided her.

On Christmas, SIL was over and for what ever reason, she opened my desk drawer and found a birthday card from Billy where he said “To the best mom ever. Thanks for loving me and giving me a chance.” She was devastated. She ended up texting Billy, confronted him and asked him if she would be presented as mother of the groom at his wedding.

He told her that he no longer considered her his mom and wasn’t even sure if he wanted her at the wedding at all. My SIL is now insisting that I make it clear to Billy that I am not his mother and that he is not to refer to me as such. My brother is also very upset with me.

Even my parents are pressuring me to do what SIL wants for the sake of peace. Honestly, I consider Billy to be my son. I count him in with all of my children. I feel like telling Billy not to present me as mother of the groom could possibly be misinterpreted as me saying that I don’t feel like he’s my son and I don’t even want to take a chance of that happening.

If he decides to present his real mom as mother of the groom, I will 110% support him. So AITA for not respecting my SIL’s wishes?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

thescooobygang −  NTA. She didn’t even consider herself his mother. You saved this kid from a lot of rough s**t he probably would have gotten into, and if he sees you as his mom, he should be allowed to call you that.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. Girl, that’s your son.

wickedkittylitter −  NTA. Billy is 22 and clearly knows who he considers to be his parents. You took him out of a bad situation and gave him a second chance, and you did it twice. As for the wedding, does Billy have to present anyone as his mother?

If he wants to, of course, he should. Maybe he should also have an honest talk with his bio mother and your parents about how he was treated and why he considers you and your husband his parents.

midlifegreatlife −  Giving in to your SIL’s demands would hurt Billy. Why would you even think of doing that? She doesn’t deserve a place in his life. You took him in and showed him the love she denied him. You are rewarded with the title of Mom to him. That’s what HE chose. That’s what HE WANTS. Don’t take that from him.

This isn’t really your fight. This is between Billy and his mother. Follow his lead and support him in whatever HE chooses to do. If it interferes with your relationship with your brother and SIL? So f**king what? They are horrible people and you shouldn’t want to have a relationship with them anyway.

poeadam −  NTA Billy’s mom is whoever Bill says is his mom. He is old enough to decide.

Sybellie −  Nta. She basically threw her son away. And what does she expect for him to be happy about that. Any Joe blow can become a parent, but it takes a lot of love, work and commitment and more to be mom/dad. My thought is if he is calling you mom at his wedding then everyone there is gonna know she threw her kid away and that’s what’s making them upset more then anything.

cocoaqueen −  NTA. You may not have formally adopted him, but you pretty much are his mum. Your brother and SIL are mad because people will find out how s**tty they were towards him. Your parents can go do one too. You and your husband showed a teenager actual parental love.

Kantotheotter −  NTA. I have a weird perspective on this. Ive been the kid in this situation (close enough) my “real” mom can s**k a bag of dicks. I don’t think you should ghost your kids then get to play all G at their weddings. Heres what i think you should do. Tell billy you love him and have his back.

Let him and his wife decide who he gets to say is his mother. If you SIL pushes you, shrug and say “this was Billy’s choice and I support Billy who is an adult and can call anyone whatever he wants” like….who cares what you say at your wedding maybe she can play super mom at her other kids weddings.

ketchikan78 −  NTA, You are going to break his heart if you tell him not to call you mom. Seriously, F**k your SIL.

megadudeboi −  NTA. You potentially saved Billy from killing himself with his bad habits, not to mention you saved him from a family that caused him to develop those habits. Billy is definitely happier in your care and your SIL shouldn’t be begging for him back if she’s the one who treated him terribly.

Besides, Billy feels comfortable enough with you to call you “mom”, and if SIL really cared about him, she would respect his wishes and let him be under the care of who he wants. You are DEFINITELY not the a**hole here.. Edits: grammar error