UPDATE AITA For telling my wife her parents are not allowed to watch our son ever again?

An update to a previous story reveals the depth of a betrayal within a family. A husband discovered his wife and her parents secretly arranged for their child to be baptized against his wishes, even planning to keep it a lifelong secret. Confronting the situation led to consequences for the in-laws and a turning point in the husband’s marriage. Read the full update below:

For those who want to read the previous part: https://aita.pics/GCkQk

‘ UPDATE AITA For telling my wife her parents are not allowed to watch our son ever again?’

Turns out some of you were right, my wife was in on it. I confronted her a couple days after I posted and directly asked her if she knew that her parents planned this. She broke down and confessed everything to me. MIL had been pestering her about baptizing our son nonstop and my wife finally caved.

My wife has been working from home during covid while my job requires me to go into the office. My wife and MIL started doing zoom meetings with MIL’s priest to start the baptism process. They lied to the priest and told him that I was ok with baptizing our son but didn’t want to be involved.

The priest allowed it and they started doing online baptism classes while I was at work. My wife admitted that she planned it around our anniversary getaway and that MIL had somehow convinced the priest that her and FIL would be the only ones in attendance.

My wife told me that I wasn’t supposed to find out, but MIL couldn’t keep her mouth shut for even one day about it. Their intention was to keep this from me permanently. I did contact the church to let them know the truth. I talked with the priest and he was surprisingly helpful.

He said he would take the proper steps to make sure MIL is no longer welcome in their church and to reach out to the local parish to see what further steps need to be taken. I have yet to hear back from them on that. My wife and MIL are mad that I got her kicked out of her church, but I don’t care what they think or feel anymore.

These people who I love and trust had betrayed me and I felt a range emotions I didn’t know existed. My wife begged for forgiveness, but the fact that she didn’t come clean on her own makes me feel she would have kept this from me unless I confronted her. She’s willing to do therapy, counseling, whatever it takes.

I don’t know if I want to put in that work, I feel like there’s no coming back from this. I contacted a divorce lawyer and started discussing what a divorce would look like and if there is any way I can add provisions to a divorce agreement that would keep my inlaws from seeing my son unsupervised.

He’s been very helpful but I have not given him the go-ahead to actually file for divorce yet. I feel I am still too angry about the entire thing to think rationally and want to give myself time to fully grasp what a divorce will mean for me and my family.

My wife and I aren’t talking much. I pretty much go to work, come home to play with my son, go to bed, and repeat. I don’t know what the future is going to bring, but I do know that without the support and help from people here, I don’t think I would have the clarity I do now.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

[Reddit User] −  I’m sorry you’re going through all this, and I’m particularly sorry the one person you should be able to trust in this mess is on the wrong side. If you don’t feel like therapy with her would be productive right now, maybe consider going on your own to see if you can sort through the anger enough to figure out the path ahead.

I think this is extremely telling, though: My wife and MIL are mad that I got her kicked out of her church. *You* did not get MIL kicked out. The priest – a.k.a. the person with more incentive to be concerned about your child’s spiritual well-being than your feelings than anyone else in this situation – looked at the matter objectively and went,

“This is not what God wants, and our community doesn’t want it, either.” The fact that this hasn’t prompted a similar “wow, we really *were* out of line, weren’t we?” realization from your wife is…not encouraging, to say the least.

Discombobulatedslug −  Your mil still has control over your wife, and maybe your wife’s eagerness to please her mother outweighs her loyalties to you?

DELAIZ −  Glad you haven’t given the divorce papers yet, and you have a lawyer advising you. Do not make any decisions when you are angry. Take time to see if this is what you really want.

Mesapholis −  Holy f**king s**t. Their intention was to keep this from me permanently. And I am glad you at least got some clarity, but I am sorry that your world is crumbling. It is good to inform yourself – but maybe, take some time to think for yourself, it is all very fresh and you are taking the right steps to protect yourself.

It is all up to you. I hope you find peace in whichever decision you make. Edit: as a person who doesn’t give a s**t about religion to the extent that my pretend-super islamic ex boyfriend tried to bully me into Islam (if you don’t practice just convert already so I don’t commit sin when I coerce you into s**),

I don’t really understand why it is so freakking important for people to dip their family members into some water, especially when there is something like mutual respect discussed among partners. This usually happens prior to marriage…

Idk if this happened for you OP, but your in-laws aren’t only getting their grand kids un-baptised, but now their daughter will likely also stew in the hot place for divorce. Do they really want to believe in a religion that does that to their loved ones?

One can believe without having to follow stringent rules like this. And I want to repeat, I hope you take some time to think for yourself, if a divorce is really what you want. It is your right and you should do it if you feel the need to, I just hope you feel well about it in the future

biiingo −  Word of advice, OP: comments sections in posts like these are always wildly imbalanced in favor of ending your relationship. This is the only thing they know about it. Don’t let the comments here influence that decision.

emmall11 −  I’m so sorry that your wife betrayed you, it’s really inexcusable at this level of deception. I hope that in time you heal and forgive for your sons sake (whether that be for good co-parenting or staying married) I would like to offer a possible point of view, I don’t know your wife’s childhood circumstances but they don’t sound great with a mother like that.

It could be possible that your wife is in a FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) cycle with her mother/parents. We are still responsible for our actions but when in this cycle it’s hard not to choose to “keep the peace” or not to “rock the boat”. You are probably her safety net and she chose to betray you so that she could appease her abuser/manipulator whatever you want to call her.

She probably figured if you never found out no harm is done and for a short while that FOG is gone until the next time. Again inexcusable but if any of this rings true your wife needs help.

It’s so hard to break these cycles and it won’t be healthy for your son to be around it in any capacity supervised or not. I could also be way off base and projecting and if so please ignore. Wishing you the best and I hope you find happiness and peace whatever your decision.

[Reddit User] −  Thanks for the update. I’m pretty sure that if you’re divorced, you won’t have any control over who your ex brings around your son on her time. I know that sometimes heavily influences people’s choice not to divorce.

Random_act_of_Random −  As someone who went through a divorce I can confidently say to not make any decisions while angry. Give yourself as much time as needed to process and only make decisions then.

Personally, cutting MIL out of your lives would be #1 of my list to forgiveness and its almost a certain guarantee that your wife only did it to appease dearest mother. That doesn’t take away her fault in this, but there was external pressure. Anyways, Goodluck to you and hope that it works out for the best, whatever way that ends up being.

capmanor1755 −  I’d be careful to not let this forum stir you up into a giant pot of rage. 1) She is your kids’ parent. You will have to co-parent until they’re adults. And beyond. When she remarries (possibly a nice Catholic guy) you’ll be co-parenting with their stepdad.

2) Guarantee you that your kids will be more impacted by a divorce than a sham baptism. It’s a lifelong impact on kids. And I say that as someone who had to put her own child thru a divorce. Do what you’ve got to do but don’t underestimate the impact of divorce on kids.

3) If more control is what you want divorce isn’t the path forward. She can date, visit and stay with whoever she chooses when the kids are with her.. You might be better served by. 1) Individual counseling.. 2) Joint counseling. 3) Counseling with a family therapist if you decide to go down the divorce path.

AStuffedMushrooms −  She’s willing to do therapy, counseling, whatever it takes. Right so she’s willing to do whatever it takes except, you know, making life decisions for her child with the father instead of her mother? Good thing you’re getting out of there, because once you calm down you’ll see that there’s no other option really, you and your son deserve much better.

How do you rebuild trust after a significant betrayal within a family? Should relationships endure when core values are violated, or is it time to move on? Share your thoughts below!