AITA for telling my friend to find her own hobbies and interests instead of just copying whatever her current boyfriend is into?

A Redditor shared a situation where they told their friend to stop adopting the hobbies and interests of her boyfriends and find her own identity. The comment hurt the friend, leading another mutual friend to criticize the Redditor for being too blunt. Was the Redditor wrong to call out their friend, or was their advice warranted? Read the original story below to learn more:

‘ AITA for telling my friend to find her own hobbies and interests instead of just copying whatever her current boyfriend is into?’

My friend is one of those girls who always has a boyfriend, and that boyfriend becomes a central part of her identity. Last night we were having dinner and she said she needed a new hobby because she didn’t realize gaming could be so expensive.

She dropped $2500 on a gaming rig because the guy she is dating now is into gaming, when before this she didn’t even have Candy Crush on her phone. So I told her that she should find her own hobbies and interests instead of getting into whatever her current boyfriend is into.

I reminded her that she enrolled in BJJ class when she dated a BJJ blackbelt (but she never stepped into a gym again after they broke up), she bought tons of baking tools and supplies when she dated a pastry chef (all banished to some faraway corner of her kitchen cabinet as I write this),

she even wanted to buy a cobra when she was seeing a guy who collected them (Thank God the guy told her that she absolutely shouldn’t do it). After dinner one of our other friends told me I shouldn’t have said that to her and she clearly looked hurt,

but I think that there was nothing wrong with what I said because I just pointed out facts and I think she needed to hear that to realize how dependent her personality is on her boyfriends and how ridiculous she is acting by copying their interests.. AITA?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

cricket73646 −  YTA. She’s exploring hobbies when she’s around someone who has them. It’s normal. Example: I’m into running. At one point my now husband gave it a go and for a time we ran together. It didn’t last for him, but he had showed interest in what I’m into.. YTA for calling her out rudely.

Ahmelie −  NTA. I’ve known girls like this, their whole identity gets swallowed up by whatever guy they are dating. Idk if it’s all encompassing with OPs friend, but it’s not healthy to switch interests based on a SO. Sure, if she’s dating a gamer, why not try video games and see if they can play as a couple. Not drop $2500 on a gaming system before you even know if you like it.

Dapianoman −  YTA, you literally just listed four examples of your friend trying to find a hobby, and you just s**t all over her.

chase_the_foxx −  NTA. There’s trying a new hobby with your boyfriend and then spending 2500$$ on said new hobby. I don’t understand how she just dropped 2500$ on video games….like girl, I definitely DID NOT spend anywhere NEAR that amount of money when I started playing.

She seems to have a pattern of going overboard with it. I understand sharing a hobby with your partner, but it seems like she invets way too much into something she probably won’t even stick to.

Spectrum2081 −  INFO. How did you bring this up? Were you kind about it? Or did you just fling her flaws in her face where others could hear?
I think this is a great example of “it’s not what you say, but how you say it.”

toufertoufer −  Is your friend Ann Perkins?

ElterJoker −  I’m going to say NTA. Though she is trying to find these hobbies with all her SOs, it’s important to have a hobby on her own. You can get so lost in the person you are seeing you forget about yourself. Hobbies let you remain that person you are and your friend should find something that she enjoys doing herself.

potatosoupofpower −  INFO. Does she show other signs of excessive dependency or copycat behaviour, like major personality changes or abandoning values that were important to her? Is this behaviour hurting her in any way,

like because she’s rushing into huge purchases and spending money she doesn’t have as a result? Does she strain herself as a result, like pretending to like things she actually hates or is indifferent to just to get approval?

This does sound a little bit concerning, but if it’s limited to interests rather than larger personality changes (and doesn’t affect her life otherwise), I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing. Trying out your SO’s interests is pretty normal. (Saying that in front of other friends wasn’t too nice, though)

w3iss −  NTA. There’s trying out hobbies and then there’s trying to build your personality around it, spending thousands of dollars and then never keeping any. When was the last time she did something she wanted to because she wanted to?

You pointed out a pattern and ya it hurts but maybe next time she tries out a partners hobby, she’ll try to see what SHE likes about it instead of liking it to be similar to the guy she’s dating.

lilbithippie −  NTA. She is Ann Perkins. OP is trying to be Leslie Knope. They need a bottle of snake juice.

Do you think the Redditor’s approach was too harsh, or was their advice necessary to help their friend grow? How would you address a friend struggling to form their own identity? Share your thoughts and opinions below!