AITA for making an uncomfortable joke when my friend told me her dinner table was full with family?

A Reddit user (20F) has lost nearly all of her extended family over the years, leaving her with only her siblings and brother-in-law. Her friend (23F), who has a large and close-knit family, often makes comments about the difference in their family dynamics. After the user posted pictures of her small Thanksgiving gathering, her friend texted about her own large family dinner.

In response, the user made a dark joke about the snow making it hard to “dig everyone out of their graves.” Her friend found the joke morbid and uncomfortable, leading to a tense exchange. The user is wondering if she was wrong for making the joke.

‘ AITA for making an uncomfortable joke when my friend told me her dinner table was full with family?’

Over the last 20 years everyone is my close family has died. Both my parents are gone, my grandparents on both sides, all my dad’s uncles, and anyone who is still alive are scattered out among the country. All I(20f) have left is my siblings and my BIL. My friend (23f) comes from a different family.

All the uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents have monthly parties, stay in touch, have big celebrations, the works. All of them are still alive and active. I think she knows I’m sensitive to the topic as I wish I had a big family, as she sometimes makes these comments like ‘You know when you get married your guest list will be so small compared to mine…

but hey at least it will be cheap!’ At my mom’s funeral there were still a lot of open chairs and she told me if this was a family member of hers all the seats would be full. (She is aware of my many, many deceased family members) I took some pictures of me, my siblings,

and my BIL cooking for Thanksgiving and us playing games at the dinner table and post them on social media. She text me privately saying we looked like we were having fun, followed by pics of her huge family, and remarked the dinner table was full of family. This is where I maybe the a**hole, I replied, lovely!

Have fun, we’d have a full table too but with the snow it’s was too hard to dig everyone out of their graves. She was silent for a few hours then replied that joke was m**bid and made her uncomfortable, and I really need to check my attitude.. AITA?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

living_bean −  NTA its your family so you get to make jokes about it. if it makes her uncomfortable its her problem, i would be uncomfertable with her saying how big her family is. take care op and sorry for your loses

Whitestaunton −  NTA. You could reply “that you are surprised she is uncomfortable with your m**bid joke because since she keeps bringing up and going on about how small your family is knowing full well that the reason for that is they are all DEAD.

If it is OK for her to keep referencing your deceased relatives and her live ones then surely it’s OK for you to have a sense of humour about it.” Follow up with “Actually, I am glad this has come up because in fact it upsets me when you keep pointing out how small my family is,

because they ARE all dead and the black humour this time was a coping mechanism. How about you stop going on about it then I won’t need to make dark jokes as a defence.”

Pennsatucky2017 −  NTA As someone who has very little living family left, I may have to borrow your joke. Inadvertent or not, it is hilarious. Your friend is a tad bit out of touch with your feelings, and I have a feeling that it’s not by accident. She’s boasting in a passive manner and I would definitely call her on it.

Don’t allow her to pin her inconsiderate behavior on you. If she was uncomfortable with the joke then good. Now she knows what you feel like when she’s cracking her big family “jokes,” and claiming that it comes from a place of innocence.

literalgarbageyo −  There’s no way a joke that mild made her uncomfortable. She’s upset you called her out for her poor attitude and is trying to make you the bad guy.. NTA

ClareSwinn −  I think your comment was f**king brilliant and consider you are a bit of a legend. Your way is so much more effective than trying to catch her at being thoughtless or suggest she is being passive aggressive! How sad for her that her only onemanship opportunity is ‘not dead over here’. NTA

[Reddit User] −  Info: Have you asked her not to say things like that before? Because someone who does not understand severe, lossful grief does not automatically realize being sensitive to something means never to mention it. It seems like common sense, but apparently it’s not

No-Maximum26 −  NTA. She’s made rude remarks about your family in the past, she shouldn’t dish it out if she can’t take it. What you said was funny anyway, I’d laugh if someone said that to me.

Paranoia_Pizza −  NTA that’s hilarious it is super passive aggressive though. Maybe explain it was meant as a joke but also, her comments comparing her family to yours make you uncomfortable (if it does).

If her comments dont make you uncomfortable but this has annoyed you maybe tell her if she doesnt like your sense of humour about death then you would appreciate it if she stopped comparing her family to yours.

Mr_Ham_Man80 −  NTA. To be honest, whilst your friend may well know it’s a sensitive topic (how can it not be) she seems to be acting quite insensitively. Honestly that pointed remark may well be a long time coming as she seems to like reminding you that her family is big and yours is small.

ChiquitaBananaKush −  NTA. She shouldn’t have commented having a big table of family when she knows your situation. Girl made her bed.