AITA for telling my husband he “should have just married a white woman”?

A Black woman shared a conflict with her White husband about her satin hair scarf, which she wears to protect her 4c hair at night. While she initially laughed off his joking comments, things escalated when he hid her scarf, leading her to snap and suggest he “should have just married a white woman.” Now, her husband is upset, suggesting they attend counseling for “race issues,” leaving her unsure if she overreacted.

‘ AITA for telling my husband he “should have just married a white woman”?’

For context I’m a black woman and my husband is white. I have 4c hair and I wrap my hair in a satin scarf to go to bed. For those of you who don’t know what that means, basically my hair curl pattern is really tightly coiled so my hair texture is kinky and easily tangled and easily breakable if not taken care of well.

I used to sleep on a satin pillowcase when my hair was shorter and had a lower chance of tangling while I tossed and turned in my sleep. But recently I’ve added oils to my nightly routine and since my hair is a bit pass my shoulders now, the chances of it tangling are higher and I don’t want my pillowcases to get soaked with oils so I started wrapping my hair up again.

First night I wore it my husband said that I looked like a sl*ve which- ok was a little bit funny and a little bit true in my scarf and nightgown combo so I let him have that one. But since then, it’s the little comments when I get into bed. Like “are we doing the sl*ve tonight?” Or “should I help you into bed grandma?” Little things like that. I’ve explained why l do it, and I think he understands that but he simply doesn’t like it and my hope was that he’d get used to it by now.

Last night I was getting ready for bed and I couldn’t find my scarf anywhere so I asked DH if he’d seen it and he admitted that the hid it but wouldn’t tell me where. He wouldn’t stop joking around even when I got visibly upset and said he wished he could run his fingers through my hair or something along those lines and I snapped and said if he wanted that he should have married a white woman.

He got really quiet after that and told me where he hid it. We haven’t talked much about it but there’s this air of awkwardness. The only times he mentioned it was this morning when he said that we should look into counseling for our “race issues” and that I made him feel really r**ist and I didn’t think about it that way.

I thought he was upset because I yelled at him but I didn’t think it was the statement itself (granted I probably should not have brought race into it but I wanted to illustrate a point.) Now he’s suggesting couples counseling to get through our “race issues”? I don’t think it was that serious and I don’t want to go through all that. AITA?

Check out how the community responded:

[Reddit User] −  NTA saying your black wife looks like a sl*ve is f**king weird and r**ist. Trying to control how you style your hair is weird. Being so bothered by a headscarf is weird. I think he’s the only one with “race issues” that he’s projecting on to you.

SammyLoops1 −  NTA – You made him feel r**ist because he was being r**ist. It was really mean of him to make those comments and hide your scarf. I think you should go to counseling if only to have a third party tell him how wrong he was for doing that to you.

[Reddit User] −  Wait so he said “are we doing sl*ve tonight” but YOU made him feel like a r**ist?? Go ahead and call the race therapist asap. Also! You need back up scarves Sis, I have like 4. Hide my shyt, try me 🙂

[Reddit User] −  NTA. Wtf as a black woman with a white husband, when I lost my bonnet, he went to target late at night to grab me a few new ones. You can’t marry a black woman and not want her to do black woman things. disgusting sl*ve comment too. wtf is he thinking.. DONT LET HIM GASLIGHT YOU! This started with him putting what he wanted over you and even trying to force you to do what he wants and saying it looks like a sl*ve to sway you away from it.

agrossgirl −  NTA… He was being r**ist, though? You might tolerate or be forgiving of the sl*very jokes but another black girl might not be. Not sure why he’s upset he was made to “feel r**ist” when he was being r**ist. Keep wrapping your hair, get counseling for your bfs immaturity. I hope he treats you better in the future or you find someone more respectful.

JabbaInBlueJeans −  He’s right, the two of you should go to therapy to discuss your race issues. His issue is that he doesn’t understand what it means to be married to a black woman with 4c hair. He needs a safe space to ask questions and get answers that aren’t yelled at him. Wear your headscarf; no relationship is worth sacrificing your edges.. NTA.

[Reddit User] −  NTa. Saying your wife looks like a sl*ve is, without question, a r**ist statement to make. You didn’t make him feel r**ist. His attitude toward your scarf and hair care is r**ist.

Excellent_Patience −  NTA. I have 4c chemically straighten hair, in my country almost all women have the same done to their hairs and we sleep with hair nets, not even beautiful and stilish silk scarfs, and our SO don’t mess with us for that. It looks like he needs a reality check on two things, first being the fact the women have flaws and work to be beautiful and two that having a black wife is not a pass for r**ist jokes and to mess with (black) grooming issues he doesn’t understand.

Ophyria −  NTA. You should go to couples counseling for racial issues because he’s being f**king r**ist. Telling a black woman who has her hair in a scarf that she looks like a sl*ve is disgusting and clearly he knows thats r**ist otherwise he wouldn’t feel guilty when you snapped at him.

Thunderholts −  NTA, as a white man married to a black woman I can say that I learn new things that are different between us everyday, and I have NEVER made race jokes about it, and me and my wife mess with each other all the time.
He not only made a r**ist joke, but continued over and over again. Then he proceeded to hide the scarf that you had explained you needed, proceeded to complain about how HE doesn’t want it even though YOU need it. You called him out on it and he got upset.

Now he has the nerve to say that you need couples counseling because you made him feel r**ist? He said r**ist stuff and you called him on it. He felt r**ist because he was being r**ist. He needs to look at himself and realize that his behavior was not acceptable, and he needs to apologize.