AITA for wanting my boyfriend to come straight home after work (on some days) to help me destress after taking care of our 4 month old son all day?

A Reddit user shared a situation where she had an argument with her boyfriend’s brother about wanting her boyfriend to come home directly after work on certain days to help her destress. She’s a stay-at-home mom to their 4-month-old son and has been feeling overwhelmed by the constant demands of caring for him.

Her boyfriend, who works in IT, frequently goes to the sauna or out with friends to relieve stress. The user’s request for some time to herself was met with resistance from her boyfriend’s brother, who argued that her boyfriend’s need for relaxation was more important. The user is now questioning if her request is unreasonable.

‘ AITA for wanting my boyfriend to come straight home after work (on some days) to help me destress after taking care of our 4 month old son all day?’

Hey guys; hope y’all are keeping safe. Sorry for my roundabout story but I hope you guys can advise me. I (32F) had an argument with my boyfriend’s (32M) brother (24M) yesterday because he asked me why I was mad at my boyfriend when he came home. My boyfriend is an IT guy in a section of our government.

He likes to go to the sauna almost every day (he says to destress from work) from about 5pm to 8-9pm). If it’s not the sauna, he goes to have a drink with friends. Because of the Rona curfew, he has to get home by 9pm. Now I have no problem with him wanting to relieve stress or having time with his friends; everyone needs this.

All I have asked of him is to compromise and come home early on some days so I can take a break for an hour or 2; take a bath in peace or eat without my kid screaming to be carried. I’m a first time mom at 32, a stay at home mom and my son has refused to bottle feed so I can’t supplement with formula.

Basically this means, I have to be around him 24/7. My ‘BIL’ knows all this as he’s been staying with us for about 5 months now. So yesterday while arguing, He implies that my mental health is not important because my only reward should be my child’s wellbeing.

And that my boyfriend’s mental health is more important and that I should give him a break and I’m not being fair. He also said that me being stressed is stressing them both out and making things uncomfortable and the last thing my boyfriend needs is to come home and see my frustrations when he needs to relax.

Now i know I’m not asking for too much and I see red flags whenever someone makes me feel like I am. Is there another perspective to this that I’m not seeing?

See what others had to share with OP:

Rduos −  Nta. Hes a parent to and shouldn’t expect you to be a single mother when in a relationship.

PotentialityKnocks −  NTA. Your job as a SAHM is to take care of your son during working hours; your partner is still a father and has to help out. It’s unreasonable to say that you have to be “at work” 24/7. You’re not asking too much. You are definitely entitled to some time to de-stress

pattisabs −  NTA at all! Both your boyfriend and his brother are majorly TAs. You’re in an incredibly stressful position, and he’s leaving you to do all the stressful work of looking after a baby in order to go to the sauna/for drinks EVERY NIGHT after work?? That’s just not acceptable. Your health and mental wellbeing is important too.

Quite frankly, if his job is THAT stressful he should probably look for a different one and learn to put his family first. His brother is also TA. You said he’s been living with you this entire time, seeing how you’ve taken no breaks,

and he hasn’t even offered to watch the baby for an hour or two in order to help out? Is he at least paying rent? For him to then dismiss your stress and blame you for making things uncomfortable is disgusting.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. You are a woman. They are men. I’ve seen hundreds of posts like this on Reddit, and they are all the same: the woman has to sacrifice so the husband doesn’t have to do anything. BIL is a b**. If he’s not helping, show him the door.

BF needs to smarten up. You might be in some trouble here with him, there’s a whole bunch of red flags. The sauna? For three hours? Hmmm….

bananapantspalmtree −  NTA Ok first off, kick the moocher BIL out! Not paying rent and not helping around the house? Buh-bye! As for your partner, I highly doubt he is spending that much time on week days and weekends at the sauna. So where is he really? But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt.

It sounds like he’s escaping the house and the baby, either he is shirking his parental responsibilities or he might be experiencing Post Natal Depression. It affects dads as well as mums and can be debilitating. I’d suggest it’s time to have a one on one chat with him and work out what exactly is going on.

If it’s PND, he needs to get into counselling, if he’s shirking, he needs to lift his game or get out and let you parent your baby. It’s not fair you’re being stuck with baby 24/7, you need your time away from bubs as well.

Fairfieldjones −  Wow. NTA at all. That’s really messed up he is out most nights. Something seems odd there. I’m a new parent too, and I feel guilty enough just going to work, let alone going out to drink/sauna after because I need to “destress” while she’s been home with our kid.

I don’t know how your significant other doesn’t understand the concept of coparenting, as well as giving you a break. Life isn’t all about himself anymore.

Green-Astronomer9725 −  NTA He doesn’t need to do 3 hours every day. That’s absolutely insane. I’m so sorry you’re going through this

dmndash90 −  NTA kick the brother out and have a serious discussion with your husband. Tf he thinks he is, taking care of the baby when he’s “more manageable”. So you cook, clean and take care of 2 adults (husband and brother) and a very small baby? At this point in time being a single parents sounds easier.

Also i really hate to break it to you, i don’t think your husband goes to the sauna for 3 hours daily and 6 on weekends. Honestly he might be cheating, while he’s content the wife is taking care of the kid alone

faenyxrising −  Am I the only person that thinks that if this man was seriously spending that much time in a sauna (because this includes 8 hours on the weekends a day) that he’d have skin problems or some other issue? NTA OP but his brother is covering for him and he’s being awful to you.

Befub14435 −  I read your update. Please make sure he pays child support. And congratulations on believing and realizing you deserve more