AITA for losing it and telling in-laws to stop calling me “mama” and trying to erase my identity?

A Reddit user, Carmen, shared her frustration over being constantly referred to as “mama” by her in-laws, despite repeatedly asking them to call her by her actual name. While her husband continues to be seen as an individual with hobbies and interests, Carmen feels reduced to just her role as a mother.

During a Christmas gathering, after being addressed as “mama” all day, Carmen finally snapped and asked everyone to stop erasing her identity. While her mother-in-law showed some understanding, her sisters-in-law accused her of being angry, ungrateful, and thinking she was “better” than other moms. Now, Carmen and her husband are at a stalemate about whether she owes anyone an apology. Read the full story for all the details.

‘ AITA for losing it and telling in-laws to stop calling me “mama” and trying to erase my identity?’

I have 2 kids, 2f, 4f. I f**king hate how everyone thinks of me as being just a mommy now. I don’t get to be my own person. I’m just mommy. Husband doesn’t face this. He gets gifts from everyone that have to do with his hobbies. Me? I get a bunch of mommy s**t. Tee hee, mommy needs wine!

And like matching outfits. I don’t mean like, one of those cutesy matching pajama sets that the nurses and horse girls wear in their staged Christmas insta pics. I mean like, people actually think I’m going to go out in public wearing some cutesy matching outfits with my toddlers. As though I think they’re mini versions of myself? Or dolls?

From the time we got to the in-laws, it was “mama” this and “mama” that. At some point, my SIL said it and I said “You know my name is (Carmen), right?” she just looked at me funny and said “Of course, silly?” I said “So why do you keep calling me “mama”? You aren’t going around calling (husband) papa?” SIL just looked at me like I had 2 heads and was like “Um, okay.”

This went on all over Christmas. Here you go, mama. Want another slice, mama? At that point I was just like “Do you guys mind calling me by my name instead of calling me mama?”

The same SIL as before did the whole golly-gee doe eyed thing and said “But you’re such a good mama!” I said that I’m not JUST a mom. I gestured to the things that husband got for Christmas from them, and said “Why didn’t you guys get him anything that says “papa”? Everything you gave me is somehow related to me being a mom. Why does HE get to be his own person?”

MIL grabbed my hand and squeezed it and said that she was sorry that she made me feel like this. She was just “so excited” about being a grandma and she never really thought of things like that. I was feeling a little better until SIL2 and SIL3 started going after me.

One of them did that whole “Are you okay? Do you need to talk someone? You sound so angry, it isn’t healthy” faux concern thing that’s meant to shame you for having any emotional response.

The other one was angry and saying that “is being a mom somehow beneath you” and “do you think you’re better than the rest of us?” and all that. When we finally left, he asked me why I’d kept it in for so long, and I said that I haven’t. No one listened to me before. I’ve said these things plenty of times.

I’ve always asked them to call me by my name and not some disgusting nickname that boils me down to giving birth. He nodded, but said that I’d put a big pallor on the weekend and that I need to apologize for the outburst at some point. I said sure, as soon as SILs apologize to me for dehumanizing me for years.. We’re at a stalemate. AITA?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Patpoose187 −  No. Your SILs owe you an apology and you owe them…… F**king nothing. Even after.

claireclairey −  NTA. Once again, this is a case of family members *needing* to be confronted about their behavior, because politely asking them to stop DIDN’T WORK. And then it’s all “WhY DiDn’T YoU SaY SoMeThInG???”. ​

Your answer to your husband is exactly correct: if you “need” to apologize for your “outburst,” then they need to apologize for their failure to listen to you until you reached your breaking point, and had an outburst.

MutatisMutandisEtc −  NTA. Your MIL reacted appropriately imo saying she didn’t realize and had no ill intent (which I believe). Your point is well made and your SILs just seem like people who can’t take feedback. Many of my female friends who had children have expressed the same frustration as you, you’re right to speak up.

SmutnySmalec −  NTA, maybe it’s cultural difference, but I can’t comprehend how can anyone call somebody else than their own mother “mama”. For me it’s something you’d maybe call an animal with it’s babies. It just seems so diminishing and disgusting.

Sunny_Hill_1 −  NTA. It is indeed infuriating when a woman’s whole identity is simplified to “oh, she is a mother” now, and it’s quite telling that it doesn’t happen to men. Your husband’s family is just being plain misogynistic.

ClutchGamingGuy −  “Outburst” lol why do so many people think having an opinion or emotional response is an “outburst”. If they don’t want to respect who you are or what you ask, then they can f**k off. NTA. No apology necessary.

Rochsmell −  NTA and your husband and in laws are the As. Their behavior is just b.s- good on you for speaking out and sticking to your point- I doubt it’ll come, but I do hope you get an apology in the future. Don’t apologize and if needed, maybe it’s time to get petty- everyone gets gifts about their family status – dad, grandma and aunty themed gifts for all!

AeroOwl19 −  NTA – you are a human being and they are ignoring your request to be your own individual. They clearly don’t respect you as you deserve and your husband needs to support you more and resolve this problem properly so that they all treat you like a human and not a servant to your own child. If they don’t change their ways and you feel like being petty I would suggest calling them by SIL1, SIL2 and SIL3 and grandmama rather than their actual names.

just-jen57 −  NTA. Your in laws sound super annoying. Some women base their whole personality around ‘mommy culture’ and forget that they were a whole ass person before having kids. Good for you for standing up for yourself.

holisarcasm −  NTA. Every single present your husband gets from now on says daddy on it. The worse looking the better. Ugly socks, ugly shirts, ugly sweats. Never another present that has anything to do with his interests.

Do you think Carmen overreacted, or do you agree that society often puts too much pressure on mothers to lose their identities? Should she apologize for her outburst, or is it time her in-laws learned to respect her as more than just “mama”? Share your thoughts and experiences with balancing parenthood and individuality.