AITA for dropping the “We’re Not Having Kids, Now Stop Bringing It Up” bomb on my MIL?
A Reddit user shares their frustration about their mother-in-law’s (MIL) persistent pressure to have children. Despite their clear decisions not to have kids (including permanent contraception), the MIL continues to bring up the topic at every opportunity. During a family gathering, the user finally snapped and bluntly told their MIL that both they and their husband are permanently sterilized and that they won’t be having children.
This led to a dramatic fallout, with the MIL storming off and posting passive-aggressive messages on social media. Now the user is questioning whether they overreacted by being so direct.
‘ AITA for dropping the “We’re Not Having Kids, Now Stop Bringing It Up” bomb on my MIL?’
My husband and I don’t want kids. My MIL is big into family in the traditional sense. She has been pushy with us about having kids since we got married. Literally the week after we got engaged, she started asking. My husband has always changed the subject, and has even told her that it’s really none of her business.
Every time we see her, she asks. Everything we do is built around the idea of use having kids. 3 years into our marriage, my husband said “We might not even have kids” and MIL would *not*hear it. At year 4, husband had a vasectomy and I had a tubal. So this weekend we were all at their home enjoying some BBQ and drinks and everything. When I get up to grab a beer, my MIL asks me if maybe I should drink water instead, because wink wink nudge nudge, you never know.
I was annoyed by this and said “There’s really no chance.” MIL, all wide-grin, said, “Oh come on! It’s time for you two to finally get serious! Put down the beer and tell us when we can finally expect you two to finally make your family official!” I said “We’ve been official for about 5 years now, MIL,” and drink the beer. Husband laughs with me. MIL gets more annoyed and says “Well, you won’t be REAL (Lastnames) until you bless us with babies!”
Husband said, “Mom, enough.” MIL pushed again. Husband repeated. After about fifteen minutes of the usual comments, I finally snapped and said “MIL, Husband got snipped. I had my tubes tied. We’re not having kids. You need to stop bringing it up. Period.”
Well, I thought I started WWIII. She started crying and stormed off. Family looked at us with disgust and stormed off to comfort her. We left. Party kinda ended. The social media b**lshit started shortly after. Vague posts, links about how motherhood is a woman’s greatest calling, listicles about how unhappy childless women are, etc. Some meme about how “I guess I wasn’t a good enough mother and won’t be graduating to grandmother.” It’s obnoxious to the point that I just muted all of them.
My MIL finally called me this morning and told me that she was willing to put this all behind us if Husband and I came over and listened to her reasons that we really “need” to have kids. I told her no, that we are tired of her pushing this on us, and then she said “Well then, I guess you two aren’t prepared to be REAL (Lastname)s. I’d like a refund for what we paid for the wedding.” (It wasn’t that much. It was like $400 for the rehearsal dinner.)
I hung up on her. When recounting this to my friends, a few of them said that I was the a**hole here for dropping it like that. But I don’t think she was ever going to drop it if I didn’t finally make a serious, direct comment about it. So AITA?
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
Swiollvfer − NTA. Well, you won’t be REAL (Lastnames) until you bless us with babies. I think it’s clear who is TA here. I’d like a refund for what we paid for the wedding. Oh! They paid for babies! You had to drop it for her to stop with it, so you are definitely not TA.
SykoSarah − NTA, I hate people that are pushy about big life choices. It’s not her life, it’s not her choice, whether you guys have kids or not. You aren’t an a**hole for refusing to have children, nor are you an a**hole for making it very clear that you never intend to have children.. Also, the “motherhood is a woman’s greatest calling” thing is freaking s*xist.
[Reddit User] − NTA at all and I thought I was on r/justnomil because of how awful this is. She’s a major a**hole who is continuing to disrespect you and your body, treating you like an incubator.
dasbarr − Nta. If you want to be an a**hole but still a smaller a**hole than your mil you and you partner can both go get a new last name and send the announcement with their $400 check. Imagine being so weird about what other people decide to do in regards to kids.
SanityContagion − My God! Your delivery of “No!” was epic. And she still persisted. You’re not [last name] until?? Hahaha. Grade A stupidity. There’s no making peace with this kind of dumb. You’ll have to be more aggressively degrading to get your point accross and then she’ll just switch to name calling.. You are absolutely NTA.. Black flag her visits and chats.
ircdeft − NTA. You gave your MIL several nice requests to stop asking about it, and you had to be direct. She is the a**hole for being so pushy about it after you stopped, and demanding a refund for her rehearsal dinner and saying all those mean things to you.
FriendlyMum − NTA – she was told enough time to drop it and she kept pushing… for years. Ahe was told repeatedly it was none of her business and told to stop. She kept persisting to the point of your discomfort and i bet you cringed at the thought of even going over there to visit because you knew it was coming. Sometimes people need the shock of harsh reality to smack them in the face before they stop. Now you got to decide the best way forward- peacefully- because you’re family.
Hand her the $400 back, write a cheque and post it to her without a word – just a note saying “wedding money returned as you requested”. This way you will see of she decides to cash it or not. This way you have absolutely no obligation to her. If she thinks she will hold $400 over your heads to try and make you have kids then she’s got another thing coming. As for her “listening to me” BS. Reply you’ve heard everything that she has had to say on the subject over the years and shes has said enough.
Also say along the lines of MIL, I thought you genuinely liked me for me, not my ability to be an incubator. My status as a parent doesn’t change my position in this family, not husbands. We need to to accept our decision and move past this and love us for who we are… just as we are
For the record i have a bunch of kids, more than average kidlets actually. But my BFF and her husband are VERY happy being child free and having disposable income which they use to travel the world whilst i change diapers and live vicariously through her adventures lol. She loves my kids and always sends the cool gifts from her travels and is perfectly content as cool-honarary-aunt status.
I respect her decision to not have kids just as much as she respects my decision to have them. I honestly don’t think she will regret her decision down the track as she put heaps of thought into it and it’s not a easy decision to make as our biological urge is to procreate.
[Reddit User] − NTA Sure you probably could have handled it with more grace, but she wouldn’t take the hint. Honestly I’d also say your husband is an A**hole for not standing up to his mother more. It’s his mother, he needs to be leading this battle.
BlankEris − NTA.. Your life, your decisions. Join us: /r/childfree or /r/truechildfree. You should post this over there.
mvggiegrhee − NTA, your MIL needs a lesson in boundaries. F**k this “motherhood is a woman’s highest calling” bs. What about women who can’t conceive or who miscarry? It’s just misogyny. Good for you for standing up to her.