AITA for forcing my tomboy daughter to wear formal clothing?

A Redditor, an Indian-American parent, insists their 15-year-old tomboy daughter wear formal clothing to a traditional Indian wedding. The daughter, who dislikes feminine attire, wanted to wear a t-shirt and slacks.

But the parent pushed for a formal outfit like a suit or traditional Indian wear to match the event’s black-tie dress code. The disagreement has caused tension, and now the parent questions if they’re being unreasonable. Read the full story below…

‘ AITA for forcing my tomboy daughter to wear formal clothing?’

Hi all. My family is Indian-American, but I like to think I am pretty progressive. I (40F) have a son (16M) and a daughter (15F). My daughter has started to become a tomboy over the last 2 years, despises feminine clothing and style.

While it has definitely been an adjustment in my perception, I have always tried to be as supportive as possible, and have let her pick her own clothings, only eliminating anything that was graphic or inappropriate. However, my niece was getting married in a traditional, big Indian wedding.

While generally all the girls would be wearing formal lehangas (Indian traditional dresses), I dropped it after asking my daughter if she wanted to wear that and she said no (only mentioned it once because she really looks up to my niece and I did not want her to feel left out). When I asked her what she wanted to wear, she said that should wear a t-shirt and slacks.

But, I insisted that she wear a formal clothing of her choice, whether it was a suit, a dress or traditional indian clothing. This was black tie event. I was making my son wear a formal suit. Everyone was going to be dressed to the nines.

I was going to get my son a new suit tailored for the event, and I insisted that she come with and pick a fabric and suit style as well. It could be to her desire (as long as it was appropriate); like a very typical men’s suit or feminine twist like what Zendaya wears. She got angry and said I was constricting her expression.

I think she will have to wear formal clothing in other points in her life, whether for work or other formal events. She can express herself however she wants but dressing appropriately for the occasion is a necessary skill. The wedding has been postponed for now, but I still want her to wear a formal outfit and she is still mad at me about this. AITA?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

SonicPetrichor −  NTA. You even gave her the choice of what type of formal wear to wear. It’s extremely disrespectful to show up to a wedding in a tshirt

darya42 −  NTA this is a perfect way of handling it. Tshirt and slacks are not appropriate for a formal wedding AND you gave her the choice between male and female clothing.

This is not about her being a tomboy (because you gave her the male options too) but about her being a teenager and not realizing that formal events require formal attire and she needs to s**k it up (like everyone else). Teenagers sometimes will be mad at you when you set good rules, I think that’s just a normal part of the teenager-parent interaction.

I even think teenagers need to be angry at their parents sometimes because they’re in a rebellious phase of trying out where their anger leads to something and where they need to let go of an idea. If a teenager wouldn’t ever be angry they wouldn’t be a healthy teenager.

LAKingsofMetal −  NTA. I was ready to rip into this at first, but I think it sounds like you’re trying to compromise with a nice suit for her. I applaud your adapting!

littlefiddle05 −  NTA, and honestly I admire your willingness to get her the formal attire of her choice. It’s important to learn that when you’re in certain circumstances (somebody’s guest, a job interview…) you need to present yourself in a way respectful of the environment. I know people who would take it as a direct insult if I wore a t-shirt to their wedding.

The only way that’s “expressing” oneself is expressing your lack of regard for your host. Maybe you can explain to your daughter that expressing yourself with clothing isn’t just expressing your own personality, but also expressing how you regard your environment.

If she looks up to your niece, she shouldn’t want to express to your niece that she doesn’t care about or value this wedding, even if it’s more aligned with her personality. Even if she personally wouldn’t care what people wear at her own wedding, it’s important to consider the perspectives of those hosting her.

the_splatt −  You’re actually being *awesome*. I kind of wish you’d been my mum. 100% NTA. Not many parents out there will let their daughter wear a suit to a wedding. You’re being beyond what would usually be seen as reasonable and I applaud you for it. Your daughter is going to look fantastic in her very own style of formal wear.

SilenceConnoisseur −  Honestly, I was so ready to label you TA before reading. You’re so NTA and are a great parent for offering alternatives to the dress (the opposite of hindering expression!!).

[Reddit User] −  NTA. She is going to be embarrassed if everyone else is dressed up and she shows up in a t-shirt. Most weddings typically have a dress code and it’s disrespectful not to follow them. You gave her plenty of options including getting her own tailored suit – that’s not constricting her expression, if anything it’s expanding it.

HappyGlitterUnicorn −  NTA. She’s being unreasonable. I was a tomboy growing up, and the Issue I had was specifically with wearing dresses. And how I hated the frilly socks that itched like hell!. If I had been given any other option, I would have taken it. But I still wore the dresses when I had to.
You are not forcing her to wear a dress.

Wanting to wear a t-shirt to a wedding is disrespectful towards everyone if the wedding is specifically formal. If it was me, I’d let her wear whatever she wanted and let her see how they turned her away at the door. Or whispered behind her back.. But I am aware you can’t do that.

Try making her call the cousin beforehand to explain why she will be going in shorts and a t-shirt and see what she says. Damn, that’s bad advice too.
Nevermind, I have no good advice to give you. Just know that you are definitely Not the a**hole.

Decent_Ad6389 −  NTA. Cheers to you. Far from. constricting her expression. You are encouraging her to express herself in a manner that befits the occasion. That’s great parenting – rather than authoritarianism, showing understanding and flexibility. She’s a teenager, so to some extent she’s going to whine about not getting her way.

She must learn that she can be unique but formal at the same time. If daughter ends up reading this: my cousin was the exact same way. Refused to wear dresses. But she dressed sharply and appropriately. You have to match the occasion. It’s just the polite thing to do. No one is asking you to wear hosiery and stilettos!

Tyo111 −  NTA. I can sympathize with her but she has to realize the world doesn’t revolve around her. Just imagine how would the bride feel looking at a wedding group photo, everybody slick af and one person in shirt and jeans.

Is it reasonable to insist on formal attire for a cultural and black-tie event, or should the parent have allowed the daughter complete freedom in expressing herself? How would you navigate this balance between personal expression and respecting traditions? Share your thoughts!