AITA for telling my GF’s daughter she’s not my daughter so don’t expect me to pay?

A Reddit user, Maple, shares his struggle with being a father figure to his girlfriend’s daughter, Diomara, after a tumultuous summer. When Dio’s behavior turns dismissive and she says he’s “not her dad,” Maple decides to set boundaries regarding his financial support for her. However, this sparks a heated debate in their household.

‘ AITA for telling my GF’s daughter she’s not my daughter so don’t expect me to pay?’

Me and Diomara (12F) have had a rough summer. She’s been more defiant than usual. I’ve been dating her Mom Mara (30F) for 2 years now. 9 moths ago, they moved in with me, Maple (33M). Both Dio and Mara have an on again/off again relationship with Dio’s Dad (Dynasis). He’s pretty much never paid child support, comes and goes as he pleases into Dio’s life. Typical s**tty-ass part time Dad. I’ve tried to fill the Dad role in her life, while still understanding boundaries, taking things slow, etc.. ​

This summer Dynasis decides he wants to be a real Dad and takes Dio in for a month. Good for him, not my business, and Mara agrees. When Dio came back home because school started she was a lot different. Really mean to me, very dismissive. A few days ago she got caught shoplifting at the mall. Security took her in then called Mara, who didn’t answer, then called Dynasis, who didn’t answer, and finally me. I answered. They told me I had to pick her up or she’ll be handed over to juvenile.. ​

I didn’t say anything to her while I picked her up. I apologized to security, apologized to the store. I even tipped the security guards plus the store employees because its fucked up they had to deal with that. I assured them Dio would be punished appropriately.. ​

I’m speaking to her in a strong, affirmative, voice while we’re in the car. NOT yelling, but in a fatherly tone, I suppose. I’m telling her how fucked up it is to steal, and how I dont f**k with thieves, and how I absolutely don’t voluntarily f**k with any kind of police so I don’t appreciate any of this nor will I accept it in my house. She snaps back that I’m not her Dad so don’t ever tell her what to do. From now on, if I wanna tell her something I need to clear it with her real father first.. ​

That killed my soul. For the past year or so, I’ve treated her as my own daughter. I’ve paid for their housing, I’ve paid for her moms car, her schooling, her food, everything. Her bio Dad dropped $100 check off one time in the past year. The fuckin check bounced so I had to call him up and he brought cash over. I told Mara about all of this. She was appalled at what Dio said, but she never made Dio apologize because “she’s not wrong, you’re not her Dad.”. ​

A couple of days later Dio asks me for some money to pay for her uniform/accessories she needs for a sport she’s involved in. I say go ask your Dad. She scoffs and says her Dad doesn’t have the money for it, so I have to pay for it. I tell her…I’m not her Dad so don’t ever tell me what I have to pay for. She cried to Mara, who tells me I’m not being an adult about the situation. Mind you, I never received an apology or a thanks for our entire previous situation. Mara says Dio is a kid and I need to stop acting like a kid too.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

echo852 −  ESH. This situation is so sad. You’re making this about you. It isn’t about you. This little girl is 12, and her home life is fucked. Of course she’s acting out. Puberty is probably beginning to hit her like a ton of bricks, which isn’t going to make her the most clear-headed person. This is when she needs the adult figures in her life to be stable, and you’re being a petty a**hole. Her bio-dad has been MIA, and now he’s showing interest in her life. To her, this is a big deal.

Her mom doesn’t seem to have a solid idea on how she wants you to fill a fatherly role in her daughter’s life. And they’re both right: You’re not her dad. But that doesn’t mean you can’t fill a fatherly role. Your girlfriend sucks because she clearly can’t co-parent effectively, this girl’s bio-dad sucks for being absent for so long, and you s**k for being an inconsistent and unstable father figure.

You and your girlfriend need to sit down and have a serious conversation about how parenting is going to work in your household. If you can’t come to an arrangement that works for you both, you need to break up or go to a therapist until you can find something that works for everyone. Because the only one who is losing here is this little girl. Parenting is hard. S**k it up. Get used to being yelled at by teenagers. They’re going to say and do things that crush your heart. It’s awful. But it passes. And this is when she needs stability the most.

qwerasdfzxcvasdfqwer −  Have you thought that maybe her bio dad repeatedly reminded her you’re not her real dad to try and make her feel guilty in case she ever treated you as such? I think the fact she lived with her bio dad for a month and came back with an attitude is no coincidence. Something happened with her dad, she could probably use some extra kindness and caring right now.

PsycoticANUBIS −  NTA. Your either the dad or not, they can’t decide you’re her dad only when it’s convenient for them.

NottaDoctorDoctor −  ESH – she’s a mean little girl but you handled her like a spiteful peer instead of an adult. Of course you can set firm boundaries for what you want to pay for but you don’t have to be petty in your delivery.

donniedk −  NTA, play stupid games, win stupid prizes. You are not the father. They (yes, both of them, mother & daughter) have forgotten that you DO NOT have to help them. This upsets me because they have begun to take you for granted. Although, you need to talk with them about what it is going on with you and how you feel about this whole situation. If at all possible don’t play their games. If worse comes to worse you may have to take a break. But you have all rights not to not pay for anything. Let that part-time dad pay.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. See how upset everyone is about you not paying? That’s because nobody cares about you.. Only your wallet.

lisasimpsonfan −  INFO does your girlfriend work? She should be the one paying for her daughter’s extras like sports uniforms.

msterxplodr −  Im gonna say soft YTA for being petty to a confused kid. Yeah shes being a little a**hole herself but thats ultimately on her parents.

minagk −  NTA, your gf is. She has to decide if you’ll be her daughter’s father figure and have the same rights to the kid’s raising as a father does, or if you won’t be a father figure and stop paying for the kid.

-TheOutsid3r- −  NTA – Both Mara and Dio seem to treat you like an ATM. While a lot of blame here lies with her bio dad, and it’s likely he’s actively riling her up against you. It feels like you’re primarily a source of money for Mara and Dio they can tap whenever they feel like it while still treating you like a random gopher the rest of the time. You should ask yourself if you’re really hard up enough for the company to want to be in this kind of relationship.