AITA for saying my wife will have to quit her job if we get booted from another daycare?

A Reddit user shares his frustration with his wife’s behavior toward their 3-year-old daughter’s daycare situation. After being kicked out of two previous daycare programs due to his wife’s micromanagement and anxiety, the user and his wife settled on a smaller home daycare, where his wife continued to overstep boundaries, bombarding the caregiver with messages.

When the daycare owner set firm limits, the user expressed that if they were asked to leave again, his wife would have to quit her job to stay home with their daughter. His wife was upset by this ultimatum. To find out more about the situation and how others have reacted, read the full story below…

‘ AITA for saying my wife will have to quit her job if we get booted from another daycare?’

My wife and I have a 3 year old daughter, Alexis. Both of us work and Alexis has attended daycare since she was 1. In the 2 years since, we have been asked to leave 2 programs because my wife is a micromanager. I admit both of us went into the first program not really understanding daycare.

I quickly learned that they can’t provide personalized care and after learning from her teachers, I reset my expectations. My wife, however, has a lot of anxiety and worries about our daughter. She hates when she gets even a little upset. **She’s in therapy and is working on it.**

First program, my wife would constantly watch the live feed and call the daycare multiple times a day. We had several talks about it and the school talked to us twice. My wife ended up screaming at one of the teachers and then the director. We were terminated immediately.

Second daycare was a little better because my wife began therapy. But my wife was still so nervous and had a complaint every single day. These were not important things, small things like she saw another child took a toy from Alexis and she would cry.

The teacher would give the toy back to Alexis but my wife didn’t understand why the other child wasn’t punished for it. This daycare didn’t kick us out but did eventually suggest that this may not be the best program for us. My wife and I decided to pull Alexis out.

My wife because of her anxiety, myself because I knew my wife had burned bridges and was becoming “one of those moms”. We chose a smaller home daycare this time as we couldn’t afford another center. The woman who owns it is very nice but also firm. She stands by her boundaries and won’t let my wife break any rules,

whereas the centers were definitely more accommodating. My wife would take any inch she got. This time, she doesn’t get that opportunity. I thought all was well as the owner only speaks to my wife for the most part. Then, I get put in a group text saying my wife has been bombarding the owner with texts every day,

despite the owner saying she will text her at lunch when things are settled. She said at this point, she will only be responding at specific times of the day and not looking the rest. The owner then added sent several pages of the contract with passages highlighted, reminding us of certain policies my wife had violated.

I was pissed. When Alexis went to bed that night, my wife and I talked. I said this was our last option for daycare. The other centers are too expensive and this was the only home daycare in the area that we like. A nanny is not in our budget. My wife made a million excuses, including that it’s not her fault she’s anxious.

I said if we are asked to leave this program too, my wife will be the one quitting her job to watch Alexis, not me. This upset my wife. I pointed out I’ve spoken to her kindly about this plenty of times. I encourage her to keep up her therapy. But she can’t keep getting us kicked out of programs. My wife is now not speaking to me.. AITA?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Practical_Purple3158 −  Nta. To keep it 100% honest with you. 20 years down the line, your daughter is going to hate your wife and there’s a high chance she will not be part of your lives. Your wife is the exact definition of a toxic helicopter parent, she’s going to not only ruin your life (already in that process), your daughters life in the future, and her own life.

Sandmint −  NTA. Your wife is harassing and abusing the daycare workers. She needs to be in therapy and you both need to be in counseling together. She needs to talk to her doctor about post-partum anxiety. This isn’t healthy or liveable and she likely needs more than just talk therapy.

laughter_corgis −  NTA. My concern is if your wife is a micro manager and she ends up staying home with your kid – this will not be a good option. My mother was a control freak growing up – took me a long time to try to get confidence after she destroyed the little I had.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. This needs to be nipped NOW. Your daughter will be picking up on her mom’s anxiety already. Your poor daughter – I grew up with a mom like your wife, and it gave me crippling anxiety issues I still struggle with. Your wife is a real piece of work for refusing to deal with her issues to your daughter’s detriment. Is she always this selfish?

BenynRudh −  What on earth made you think daycare would be personalised? And what’s your wife gonna do when the kid goes to school? The kids gonna get embarrassed for one thing.. NTA. Your wife has issues.

Historical-Goal-3786 −  NTA. A child taking a toy from Alexis and not being punished? Wow. The daycare worker was teaching that child that you don’t take things without asking. Has your wife never been around children? Everything is a teachable moment, but she goes directly to punishment. She is harming your daughter’s development

StacyB125 −  As an early childhood educator, I am horrified by your description of your wife’s behavior. Unless significant progress is made, she is going to be a complete nightmare when your daughter heads to pre-K or kindergarten in the public school system.

I once had a kinder student jump off a swing, land funny, and got a broken arm. It was a freak thing. I’m picturing your wife responding to such an accident. I also find it ridiculous that she isn’t taking responsibility for her actions. She is a grown ass woman saying “it’s not my fault” after getting her kid kicked out of multiple childcare situations.

She may have something to work through and I get that she’s in therapy. However, her anxiety isn’t a hall pass to treat people like garbage. I think telling her she’d need to be a stay at home parent if she burns this last bridge was exceptionally reasonable. I see nothing you could have done differently.

If that’s not what she wants, she better put a priority on learning some coping skills. It sounds like she’s only one outburst away from her kid being kicked out again. NTA ETA- Thanks for the awards! They are my first ones ever. I’m feeling kind of special.

WebAcceptable7932 −  NTA her behavior is a problem. Day cares will only put up with so much. I’m surprised word hasn’t already spread about it so they know to avoid it. There are only so many daycares and soon enough they won’t want to deal with her.

Capelily −  NTA.. Your wife, on the other hand… She has been diagnosed with PPA but won’t take meds for it. This is the substance of your post. Your wife has two choices: Either take the prescribed meds, or quit her job. Therapy is a great first step, but it won’t be effective until your wife starts taking her meds.

The meds will take the edge off her anxiety. Once her anxiety is a bit more under control, the therapist can then work with her to understand where her anxiety springs from, and how to better deal with it. If your wife becomes a SAHM, I would still insist upon the therapy and the meds. Children can learn to be anxious, and your LO will surely mimic your wife’s anxiety.

jmaccccck −  Every single one of your responses is about how your wife is refusing *something.* Whether it be medication-or couples therapy. Your wife doesn’t sound like she is working on herself whatsoever. Just controlling yet another thing.