META You can still be the a**hole if you were wronged?

A Reddit user shares their thoughts on a common trend in the AITA subreddit: people excusing bad reactions just because the original poster (OP) was wronged. They argue that being mistreated doesn’t justify unnecessarily cruel or overblown responses.

The post encourages a more nuanced and empathetic approach to judging whether someone was an asshole, highlighting that “they started it” isn’t a free pass for poor behavior.

‘ META You can still be the a**hole if you were wronged?’

I’ve been a lurker on this subreddit for a while, and as its been getting bigger, I’ve been noticing a trend in what’s being posted. OP was wronged, probably unintentionally, and had a poor reaction. Their friends are saying it was over the top, mom is mad, the bystanders are upset, etc… are they the a**hole?

And there is a resounding chorus of NTA! You don’t owe anyone anything! Or someone was mean to OP, and they were mean back, and their friends say they shouldn’t have been. AITA? No! They were rude so you get to be as well! I dont think either of these really reflect how people should be engaging with others.

Sometimes we do things in the moment when we’re upset or hurt we wouldn’t do otherwise. These reactions are understandable. But just because its understandable doesn’t mean OP can’t be the a**hole. Being wronged doesnt give you a free pass to do whatever you want without apology.

People make mistakes, and people can be thoughtless or unkind. It is possible to react to that in a way that is unnecessarily cruel or overblown. “They started it” didn’t work in kindergarten and it shouldn’t now.

This sub isn’t “was this person in the wrong to do this to me” its “am I the a**hole.” ESH exists. NAH exists. “NTA, but you should still apologize/try better next time” exists. Let’s all try and be a little more nuanced&empathetic.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

LetThisBeALessonToMe −  It’s like “two wrongs don’t make a right”, except the point is better phrased as. you can be somewhat justified, but still be an a**hole*.I also think there are a lot of people on here who just don’t see shades of gray.

Hunterofshadows −  I think the issue here is that some people see a justified a**hole as NTA and others, like myself, see a justified a**hole as still an a**hole, making it ESH

[Reddit User] −  Agreed. I got heavily downvoted for saying you shouldn’t lace toothpaste with ghost peppers. This sub really has a real big justice boner

fearmyminivan −  The comment I keep saying is “you can’t let someone else’s bad behavior justify your bad behavior.” I usually get downvoted.

[Reddit User] −  I lurk on here a lot and this sub serves as a constant reminder for how naive most people on this website are. So many questions go like, “AITA for pile driving an 8-year-old girl? I was at the park and this little girl said my beard was stupid so I took her straight to the mat.

AITA?” And then the top 5 highest rated comments are all, “NTA man, she had it coming. Little b**ch shouldn’t write checks her ass can’t cash.” It’s almost absurd.

HyacinthFT −  Yeah. I’ve seen a few of those. The big distinction people fail to make is between “This other person did something bad to me & my reaction, which hurt them, was for the better” and “This other person did something bad so I get to be mean back.”

The first can be, for example, punishing a kid, setting a boundary with a relative, cutting off contact with a toxic ex, self-defense to stop the harm. But revenge makes you the a**hole, even if you feel justified in being an a**hole. It’s sometimes hard to tell the difference, sure, but most of the time it isn’t.

taintpaint −  Play stupid games, win stupid prizes -Reddit-ese that roughly translates to “if you do something I don’t like, literally any negative consequence is justified”

slicshuter −  Agreed, and I’m also finding more and more people saying NTA alongside the phrase “You’re not obligated to…” This sub isn’t “AmIAllowedTo”, it’s “AmItheAssHole”. You can be within your rights to do/not do something and still be an a**hole as a result.

McG0788 −  God, finally! I was going to post the same thing. So many posts lately where it’s clearly an ESH because of how the OP responded but nope you get downvoted for saying OP could have handled the situation better.

Yelloeisok −  I think the sub is turning into a place where people are seeking justification to end their relationships. That isn’t going to work out for them in the long run.