AITA for asking my cousin not to bring his autistic son (my nephew) to my home any more because of a romantic attachment to my wife?

A Reddit user faced a challenging situation when their autistic nephew developed a strong romantic attachment to their wife, leading to possessive behavior during a family visit. Concerned for their family’s comfort and safety, they asked their cousin to stay elsewhere in the future if the nephew accompanied them. This decision has caused tension in the family. Read the full story below…

‘ AITA for asking my cousin not to bring his autistic son (my nephew) to my home any more because of a romantic attachment to my wife?’

I know from the title, it definitely sounds like I would be the a**hole but please hear me out. I have an older cousin whose son, my nephew, is in his early 20s. My nephew is autistic and holds a part time job, but is significantly delayed in many developmental areas (I don’t know the specifics) and will never be independent according to his parents.

Recently, my cousin and cousin-in-law have been thinking about relocating to our state because of recent job opportunities, and we’ve hosted them in the past when they’ve visited. The first time they stayed with us (before my son was born), my nephew seemed to develop a strong attachment to my wife and always wanted to be near her.

He drew a picture of a heart and picked some flowers from our yard and gave them to her before they left, saying he loved her. My wife thought this was sweet and gently handled his crush by telling him she would always love him as his aunt, but she was sure he would find another girl to fill his heart soon. He told her no, she was his girlfriend.

This weekend, they were staying with us again and my nephew again wanted to be near my wife every chance he got. His mom and dad noticed and told him that because my wife now had to care for our son, she couldn’t pay attention to him as much as before. He got upset telling us that she was his girlfriend and had a meltdown, which caused my son to start crying.

When my wife got up to take our son to another room to calm him down, my nephew got up to follow and his dad had to forcibly restrain him from following them. I stood up to block the hallway into the separate room just in case he got away from his dad.

Once they calmed him down, they apologized for his behavior and said they would keep better tabs on him. Here’s the part where I may be the a**hole. I told my cousins I didn’t feel comfortable with my nephew being so possessive of my wife, and I know for sure she didn’t, especially since he seemed to be so jealous of our son.

I told them I couldn’t allow their son in our home until he learned to control himself and understand that my wife was not his girlfriend. I apologized but asked them to get a hotel room for the rest of their stay and not to visit us again unless they left my nephew behind with people they could trust and knew would care for him, while they searched for jobs in our state.

They didn’t say anything but looked saddened and went to the guest room with their son to pack up their bags. I guess they must have told my extended family what happened because my paternal grandmother called me this afternoon, telling me that I should’ve been more understanding and that I was wrong to ask them to leave.. Am I the a**hole?.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

algelb −  NAH. You *were* understanding the first time around, but this time he got physically aggressive and presented himself as a possible danger to your wife and child. It’s a perfectly reasonable request and you handled it very maturely.

CrypticDecay −  NTA – the thing that sealed it for me is you saying he’s jealous of your son and possessive of your wife. Your son’s safety comes first. End of story. You were not wrong in my opinion and I think you handled the situation well.

WhyAreYouUpsideDown −  This is a tough one. I’m so sorry for everyone in this situation, it just sucks.. NAH. Your cousins aren’t assholes, they’re doing the best they can with the cards they’ve been dealt. They don’t seem to be negligent or anything- they’re doing their best to help him understand, but he just can’t..

Same with the autistic nephew– he literally doesn’t have the capacity to empathize with you or your wife, and may NEVER learn to properly observe that boundary. Not his fault. But you are absolutely not the a**hole for protecting your wife and child from someone who needs to be physically restrained from breaking boundaries.

You might have given them one more shot to see if they can keep better tabs on him, but why take that risk? He’s upsetting your wife and your son, and you don’t know what types of behavior he may or may not engage in.

Beep_boop_human −  NTA (it would be N AH except for the fact they’re telling people you kicked them out and your extended family isn’t being understanding). You 100% owed it to your wife to ask them to leave. You weren’t being a j**k about it. You understand that he lacks the full capability to understand his actions.

But that is why the situation could become dangerous. You wife should not be on edge in her own home, made to feel as though she needs to be polite while a fully grown adult is restrained because she isn’t acting like his girlfriend. YWBTA if you hadn’t asked them to leave.

[Reddit User] −  Hang on…your wife is hiding In Another room with your infant son, you are having to block the corridor and your cousin is fighting to restrain a fully grown adult to keep him away from her? Can’t see how you’re the a**hole for not wanting that situation again. NTA, because really, your cousin should have decided to go themselves.

beejers30 −  NTA. I understand both sides, but you have to be protective of your son. Jealousy is ugly and can lead to your nephew hurting your child, even though he may not be fully aware of what he’s doing.

sarahjustme −  NTA but to sounds like the parents need to hire a pro to help them figure this out. They can’t keep doing this when their son is 25, 35, 45, 55… but that’s their problem not yours.

You need to protect your family and sanity. You owe those other people nothing, though personally, I think it’s be better for the autistic son if he didn’t have this drama in his life either. He’s obviously not equipped to deal with it.

SaraMWR −  NTA. This is a tough situation. But your first priority should be (and was!) Your wife and son. Not easy, but the right call.

catsncatsnbootsncats −  NAH. I taught a class of autistic teens once and the biggest thing they tell us is to shoot down a crush. Always shoot it down. Explain that it’s not appropriate and teach them that it’s wrong. It’s clear this kids parents aren’t doing that. In fact they’re probably either ignoring or unintentionally encouraging it by not telling him to stop.

The fact that he had to be restrained is another issue. That means this crush has gotten worse and it’ll be harder for them to teach him that it’s wrong. I seriously suggest bringing up possible therapy, support groups, or even a hired hand to help keep tabs on him.

That way his parents have more support from people who better know how to deal with this kind of behavior. Edit: It’s come to my attention I may have misspoke. By “shoot down every crush” I mean on those not their own age or that have said no already. If they want to love each other and they’re both okay with it then that’s fine.

rhetrograde −  NAH. Your first obligation is always to your nuclear family. Your cousin understands this, otherwise he would have kicked up a fuss immediately. Your wife and your defenseless child need you to hold firm on this. I understand how wretched this situation is, for everyone involved. You have my deepest sympathy and strongest possible assurance that you did the right thing.

Is the Redditor right to set boundaries to protect their family, or should they have shown more understanding toward their nephew’s condition? How would you navigate such a sensitive situation? Share your thoughts below!