Aita for refusing to attend an apology dinner after my mother in law called me a bad mother at my son’s funeral?

A Redditor shared their emotional story of grief and conflict after losing their young son to a congenital heart condition. At the funeral, their mother-in-law accused them of being a bad mother, leading to a complete breakdown in the relationship.

Now, nearly two years later, the mother-in-law has invited them to an apology dinner, but the Redditor refuses to attend. Read their full story below and weigh in on whether forgiveness is the right path.

‘ Aita for refusing to attend an apology dinner after my mother in law called me a bad mother at my son’s funeral?’

I lost my son to congenital heart disease and he did not survive the open heart surgery at the age of 1 year and 6 months. He was the greatest blessing I had in my life. Everyone kept telling me things will get easier with time.I know that no matter how much time goes by I’ll still be missing my baby and everything sweet about him.

Mother in law and I were in constant conflict. Things always been bad between us but in those months we reached our limit. She kept getting involved in my son’s treatment., and criticized every decision I made claiming I didn’t know how to handle my son’s illness. We went low contact but she kept causing issues occasionally.

My husband was torn between our son’s illness and his mother’s issues. When my son passed away she came to the funeral and caused a scene by arguing with me knowing I had no energy for it. She used the fact that everyone was there so she could say it was my fault my son was born sick and I didn’t take care of him properly,

that I didn’t listen to her when suggested other ways to treat his condition. And That I was the one who took their grandchild away from them and caused them heartache. She then loudly called me a bad mother I had no idea how I kept my composure and kept standing on both feet. My mom and sisters responded by telling her to leave.

my husband was sitting down crying. She then went to tell everyone I kicked her out as a way to hurt her further and lied that I convinced my husband to ban her from visiting her grandson’s grave. My husband later sent his side of family an email talking about my mother in law’s behavior during and after our son’s illness and telling them he no longer will be seeing her.

That had the family criticizing us saying mother in law was just trying to do what was best for her grandbaby and called us selfish for assuming we’re the only ones struggling with this tragedy. We haven’t seen his mom in 1 year and 8 months. I’m now 3 months pregnant.

No one knew only my sister in law (brother in law’s wife) but word got out. Though we told her not to say anything. Week later I had family members saying I was invited to a dinner hosted by mother in law so she could both apologize in front of the whole family and settle this issue before the baby’s born.

They said mother in law was regretful, and offered to financially provide for her grandbaby and they want to see that.. I refused But My husband surprisingly wants me to go. I had his grandparents calling me telling me that I’m a person with a good heart and forgiveness’s something I’m capable of giving.

I told them I’ll never be sitting at the same table with the person who called me a bad mother at my child’s funeral. I still remember it vividly til this very day. My sisters said this change of heart from mother in law is probably for the new baby. It could be but I insisted I won’t come. They’re saying I’m making hard for everyone to move on and past this unreasolved pain and should really go.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

GoblinDelRey −  NTA, i work in nursing in ICU and I see people like your MIL often. You were done so dirty, and NO ONE, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE will ever understand what you and your husband went through and the kind of horrific choices you had to make. People like to think modern medicine can cure anything and it’s just not true.

Treatments can be ugly, invasive, and even lethal, and I would never blame you for a second for trying anything possible to keep your baby in this world. I also wouldn’t blame you for a second if you decided *NOT* to go through with some of these harsh treatments.

There is *no* right answer in these situations, only you get to decide. I’m so, so sorry for your loss and that you had to go through that. Maybe I’m biased because I see people like you at work making decisions no one should ever have to make while getting yelled at by other family who won’t even come to visit the fkn patient (easy to throw stones when you don’t have to make such heavy decisions)

You are so within your rights to never forgive that woman. I hope the best for your current pregnancy and I’m sure this little light will help remind you and your husband what familial love really is.

ScubaCC −  NTA She’d be dead to me. Fucked off into oblivion.

Alert-Potato −  My sisters said this change of heart from mother in law is probably for the new baby. It absolutely is. She isn’t sorry that she harassed stressed out parents who were trying to manage the healthcare of a gravely ill baby. She isn’t sorry that she berated a grieving mother at that baby’s funeral.

She is sorry that the consequences of her a**orrent behavior have led to her being denied access to a grandchild. There is absolute proof of this, in the fact that she wasn’t sorry until she learned a new baby is on it’s way. Some things should not be forgiven, and frankly, her behavior falls into that category.

You are NTA here, and should not compromise. The only thing that matters for the next six months are your health and stress levels, and both can be best managed by immediately removing from your life anyone insisting on renewing contact with someone who abused you.

You should tell your husband that no means no, and he is not to bring this up again, it’s not up for discussion. Please also visit r/JUSTNOMIL for help in how to set these boundaries and stick to them, and for the support you may need in doing so.

tremulous −  NTA they’re making it so everyone can move on, except you. They’re saying you have to bite the bullet so everyone else can pretend it never happened. But if she didn’t have the guts to apologize until now so she can play with a new grand baby, then she doesn’t mean it. She just wants to make a show of how great she is for everyone. I say don’t go.

QuixoticLogophile −  I was invited to a dinner hosted by mother in law so she could both apologize in front of the whole family and settle this issue before the baby’s born. They said mother in law was regretful, and offered to financially provide for her grandbaby and they want to see that. This whole thing’s making my skin crawl.

MIL’s looking for a way to control you so you won’t go rogue with her precious grandbaby’s parenting this time. You are a womb to her. Nothing more. Do not accept anything. Do not see her.

Do not give anyone on your husband’s side of the family any information you do not want her having. Talk to your husband in detail and make sure he’s completely on the same page as you. She will not stop trying to control you and your baby this time.. NTA

[Reddit User] −  NTA. If you’re looking for permission here it is, you never have to speak to her ever again. I’d make it very clear to my husband if I were you that I will not be speaking to her, she will not be spending time with my child and any relationship he wants to have with her is between him and her and I don’t ever want to hear a word about it.

They are trying to buy your pain and wash away her a**orrent behavior with money. They can all go to hell. I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine.

CabernetTheCat −  No. NTA. No no no. You were going to the hospital, listening to doctors, following treatments, doing your best. It’s not like you were using tea leaves and lavander to cure your son’s condition.

You were being a good mother and she had NO RIGHT to overstep during the times he was in treatment and certainly no right to make a scene and call you a bad mother at any point but especially not the funeral of your baby.

Any time this comes up. Any time… just repeat what you said “i will not be in the same room/speak to/have contact with/etc with the woman who called me a bad mother at my child’s funeral.” Anyone who argues with that with “buuuut” is just ignorant.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. And I don’t agree that your husband can be in contact with her while you are no contact. That will just leave you alone. No husband of mine will ever want to have a relationship with someone who basically said to everyone that I killed my child. If he wants to, he can do that as a single man.

Unhappy-Coffee-1917 −  NTA. She literally only sees you as a living incubator. Please ask your husband to be on your side, or go to therapy. She assaulted you at your child’s funeral, she would be beyond dead to me.

Austin101___ −  What? No no no no. Absolutely not. That women was being cruel to you in your darkest moments and told you you were a bad mother AT YOUR SON’S FUNERAL and I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine losing my daughter who’s my whole world so as a parent I understand how excruciating the pain can be. NTA. Time to go no contact.