AITA for celebrating my birthday which is the 1 year anniversary of my nephew’s death?

A Reddit user shared a dilemma about celebrating their birthday, which coincided with the one-year anniversary of their young nephew’s passing. The user spent part of the day supporting their grieving sister but later enjoyed a quiet surprise dinner organized by their girlfriend. However, when a photo from the evening was posted online, it sparked backlash from their family, accusing them of being insensitive. Now, the user is questioning if they were wrong to celebrate. Read the full story below for all the details.

‘ AITA for celebrating my birthday which is the 1 year anniversary of my nephew’s death?’

My (25F) nephew (4M) passed away 1 year ago because of cancer. It was right on my birthday and there was no celebration, there was nothing, because everyone was devastated. My sister Denise is still grieving, she’s in therapy and making some progress, but it’s been slow. My family and I try to be as supportive as possible.

Birthdays in my family are very important, we throw huge parties, I believe and have been taught that birthdays are important and should be cherished. Yesterday was my birthday. Obviously I felt bad about the anniversary of my nephew’s death, but I was also a little down about not being able to celebrate like I used to and my girlfriend knew that.

In the morning, I went to Denise’s house, stayed by her side until almost lunch time, when my mother would stay with her (we didn’t want to leave her alone, but no one could stay all day). I went to work and at night, my girlfriend made a surprise at home with a candlelight dinner and a small cake. Something very intimate and for both of us, since my family was in a bad way.

I didn’t post on social media, but my girlfriend posted a picture of us holding hands and the dinner she made with “Happy Bday, Love”. My mom and Denise follow her on Instagram.

I woke up the next day to hundreds of texts from my mom and Denise, asking if I was celebrating even though it was such a sad day and how heartless I was to celebrate knowing my sister was in such a bad way. Even though I said it was a surprise, they called me cold, heartless and insensitive to the pain of others, saying I should have refused to celebrate.

I was just glad I celebrated, because it’s something important to me and I didn’t even realize when my girlfriend posted this photo on insta. Btw, in case you were wondering, none of them remembered it was my birthday.. AITA?

Check out how the community responded:

MysteriousNobody1020 −  NTA. You didn’t make your mom or your sister celebrate with you. It was you and your SO. Does Denise expect you to NEVER celebrate your birthday again?

PJfanRI −  NTA. When I read the title I thought you had thrown a big, raucous birthday party. Nope. You had dinner with your girlfriend. In no way were you or your partner insensitive to your sister. If anything, I would consider a quiet intimate dinner instead of a large event a very respectful way to acknowledge your birthday without being excessive.

nidoqing −  NTA. You didn’t shove your birthday in everyone’s face, you didn’t act like your birthday reigned supreme, you spent time with your sister on a day she needed support and you had a very quiet event with your partner – which you have every right to do. People grieve differently but that doesn’t mean aspects of life still shouldn’t be celebrated. You acted appropriately.

NUT-me-SHELL −  NTA. Nope. Someone else’s death, while sad, doesn’t mean that you do not get to go on living and celebrating. Shame on all of them for trying to make you feel guilty about this.

[Reddit User] −  Happy birthday, OP. You are allowed to be a little bummed, you are allowed to celebrate, and you are NTA. Your family is allowed to feel their grief, of course, and unfortunately the day may never be the same for them – but they are not allowed to drag you through the mud for something that isn’t remotely your fault.

ETA: I wouldn’t personally blame you if you’d had a giant bash, though I can see how others would think it in bad taste. The fact that they flipped out over a small cake and dinner with your SO is really just unreasonable.

Fianna9 −  NAH, I am so glad your girlfriend had a little dinner for you. You don’t deserve to have your birthday forgotten. Your sister is dealing with the first anniversary of loosing her son and lashed out- it was definitely inappropriate, but I wont blame her this year. Anger is easier than grief. Your mom is the closest to an AH. She lost her grandson, but it’s also her daughter’s birthday. She can’t let you be forgotten every year, especially when it’s a huge family tradition for everyone else.. Happy Birthday.

BBAus −  Nta. Low key birthday and spending time with the mother is definitely sensitive.

Euphoric-Zucchini-18 −  NTA. Are you supposed to never celebrate your birthday ever again? I’m sure her grief is overwhelming, but life does have to move on even through the grief.

ricecakesat3am −  NTA – when I first read the title, I thought it was going to be about you having a massive party and inviting your family. You did more than your share to comfort your sister on this horribly tragic day for her.

You had every right to celebrate in the privacy of your own home. While your gf maybe could have saved the photo until the next day if she wanted to be extra sensitive, she also did nothing wrong. It’s not like you had a big blowout birthday bash. You celebrated privately and quietly and you deserve to be celebrated on your birthday. As someone who’s birthday is also associated with tragic family events, I feel for you. It’s a tricky situation to navigate. Ultimately, do what’s best for you.

1_rick −  NTA. Historically, there was a custom that you’d grieve for a dead family member for a year (think widows wearing black, etc.) and then after that year you’d resume your life. I’m here\[1\] to tell you that neither you nor your girlfriend did anything wrong, although it probably would have been prudent for her wait a couple of days to post the pictures.

Having said that, there is a very fine line here with how you can respond to your mother and sister without running the risk of them staying mad at you. Your sister isn’t really wrong for being stuck grieving, but she probably needs therapy to get past it.

\[1\] my qualifications: I lost a child in a car accident 14 years ago. Wife never really recovered fully, and it took her closer to a year and a half to start functioning again, but she eventually did. She would not have freaked out at someone else celebrating their birthday if it happened to fall on that day, though.. ​ Edit: didn’t expect this to blow up. Thanks for the upvotes & awards!