AITA for cancelling a check of $12,000 that I wrote for my infertile friend for her next IVF cycle over a joke?

One Redditor (F35) has struggled with infertility and, after trying everything, ended up divorced while her ex-husband remarried and started a family. She found support in a friend, Alessia, who was also undergoing IVF treatment. Wanting to help, she wrote Alessia a $12,000 check for her next IVF cycle.

However, after hearing a hurtful joke Alessia made about her situation, the Redditor cancelled the check. Alessia and her husband were upset, and now the friendship is strained. The Redditor wonders if she was overreacting. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for cancelling a check of $12,000 that I wrote for my infertile friend for her next IVF cycle over a joke?’

I (F35) am infertile. My ex husband and I tried everything to have kids but it just never happened. He divorced me, went and married someone younger who was able to give him a kid and from what I gather, they’re expecting a 2nd child together. It hurts like hell seeing someone else have what I couldn’t.

I get frustrated with myself sometimes and with family blaming me for basically everything. I turn to my friends for support, Especially “Alessia”, she’s in the same “infertility boat” as me but she and her husband are currently trying IVF hoping it’d work.

Alessia asked me for help to pay for her upcoming IVF cycle. I agreed to write her a check of $12,000, I really wanted to help her and the money came with no strings attached. I wrote the check and gave it to her last week. She was very appreciative of it.

The very next day, I got a sudden message from a mutual friend “Carol” with a screenshot of the conversation she had with Alessia. Turns out she and Alessia were talking about the next IVF cycle, and Alessia said she hoped the cycle would work because “she didn’t wanna end up divorced, and having her husband go marry someone younger and have a baby with them and another one on the way!

While she’s alone and without a family at 35! (She’s 32). I was stunned and…hurt, I knew she meant me here. But I did not confront her I simply contacted my bank and cancelled the check. In the evening, Alessia called to ask why I cancelled the check and I told her.

She went batshit saying she didn’t mean it that way and that she thought that this was somewhat an “inside joke” between “desperate infertile women”. She came over with her husband the next day begging I write another check but I refused.

An argument ensued and her husband thought I wasn’t being supportive of her like when she supported me throughtout my struggles. She left crying and we haven’t talked since then. Her husband keeps reminding me (while repeatedly calling Carol a toxic snake) of the date of the next cycle saying they can’t have it after I took the money that was supposed to pay for it back!.

Some friends thinks I’m being oversensitive. Carol’s on my side telling me to tell them to go to hell but I feel so bad about it. what I’ve done might just damage our 15 years of friendship. Maybe I shouldn’t have cancelled it but I just felt so offended by what she said about me and how she basically mocked my unfortunate circumstances.. so reddit, AITA?

Hello again! And Wow thank you so so much for all this support and compassion that you’ve shown me. I could feel it through my screen (LOL 😅🤣) I have decided I’m going to put some distance between me and Alessia.

Things have been rough lately and I think that distance is what I need right now especially for my mental health. After reading some comments here I now feel less heavy and more relieved. Doesn’t change the fact that I’m still feel completely and utterly shocked by Alessia’s behavior.

It’s a shame having to come to the realization that even those who are supportive of you the most, could cause as much harm. Oh and by the way, I sent Carol a link for this thread to see what her thoughts were and she just laughed. She was kind of angry I used her real name but relieved that I used a throwaway LOL.

See what others had to share with OP:

Tigarana −  NTA. It was a cruel thing to do of her. Especially after you are being so gracious towards them. Btw, just a reminder, your worth is not connected to your ability to bear children <3. ETA: thank you for the rewards. Oh, and to the people saying that worth kinda is tied to children (especially as a woman): no it’s not.

Anyone telling you any different is just wrong. You decide what your contribution is to this world, what your legacy is, and from what I hear, OP has the biggest kindest giving heart while still having strong moral values. That makes her worth A LOT in my book. Anyone who doesn’t see that is just blind and oblivious.

Mean_Macaroni59 −  NTA. Let the friends calling you too sensitive open their check books.

ohwhatisthepoint −  holy shiiit, NTA. TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS, no strings attached? yeah i would be kissing your ass, you would be my future kid’s god parent, i would wake up grateful for your existence every f**king day.

bashing you to another friend behind your back? hell f**king no, i would be out there calling your praises from the rooftops. alessia doesn’t deserve your friendship, let alone your money.

butt5000 −  NTA – but shelling out $12k for a friend’s IVF treatment is wild. Don’t do that.

Ilsabet −  NTA. I am so sorry for all of your heartbreak OP. I myself could never have children due to endometriosis, Factor 5 Leiden, and a few other health issues and lost a husband due to this.

Your friend said cruel things that were not a joke and is angry because she got caught. You were being kind and generous and she threw all of that away. This is a hill to die on. Take care of yourself OP.

Status-Pattern7539 −  NTA. SHE damaged 15 years of friendship. SHE used you as the b**t of an “inside joke”. Despite knowing how hard this was for you. SHE hasn’t taken any accountability for her wrongdoings and her and her partner are blaming Carol for what SHE said.

Their behaviour afterwards shows no remorse. Just bullying of you and Carol. Manipulation via guilt tripping. Your friends can hand over their cash since they think you’re ‘over sensitive’ . You’re not. Bullies always blame the victim and it seems like you know a lot of them.

peregrine_throw −  NTA. The hurtful “inside joke” aside (and to how many others she shares that “joke” to, you’ll never know), it’s the husband’s sense of entitlement that’s off-putting—and to even devolve into an *argument* yikes. People arguing that someone should grant them a favor are quite a subset.

Sel-Reddit −  NTA. Why should you show her situation empathy (and give her 12k) after she’s shown none to you? What a n**ty, hurtful message – it’s not a ‘joke’ because it’s not funny. It’s smug and cruel and there isn’t another way to take it.

Alessia and her husband are disgusting, entitled AHs who can pay for themselves. They’re the toxic snakes that you need to cut out of your life. Don’t let them manipulate you.

breathemusic14 −  NTA. An inside joke is inside because it’s between the people who started it. She made you the b**t of a joke and was cruel. This may not just damage your friendship, it may end it. But do you really need friends like that?

Traveler_8 −  NTA – though you *did* say that the money was with no strings attached. I think you meant that they weren’t supposed to worry about paying it back, but the fact that she basically gossiped and made fun of your situation reveals two things: you thought she was your friend, and she is not. She played you for the cash.

Why is it your financial responsibility to help them conceive a child? You owe them NOTHING. Now you know that she was only acting like your friend because she wanted your money.

Did they support you through your struggles with no-strings-attached money? If they did then I’d say give them back exactly what they gave you and tell them you are done with them. If they offered emotional support then that’s what they can expect back.

Even if you were to turn around and write them another $12k check, your friendship is forever ruined. Just keep your money. You can make more, better friends. It sounds like Carol was looking out for you – there are others out there who are not two-faced like Alessia is.

Was it justified for the Redditor to cancel the check after feeling hurt by her friend’s joke? Could she have handled it differently? Share your thoughts below!