AITA for not attending my friend’s wedding on the day of my family’s death anniversary?

A woman shared her dilemma about choosing between attending her friend’s wedding and visiting her late family’s graves on the anniversary of their tragic deaths. Her friend, Amy, insists she skip her memorial visit to avoid any “sadness” on her wedding day, which is planned on the exact anniversary.

Despite suggesting a compromise, the woman is leaning toward honoring her family’s memory instead. Is she wrong for prioritizing her grief over her friend’s big day? Read the full story below to decide.

‘ AITA for not attending my friend’s wedding on the day of my family’s death anniversary?’

Seven years ago, I (35F) lost my husband, daughter, and mother to a car accident. They were hit by a drunk driver that drove though a red light and killed all of them on impact. Their deaths greatly effected me and if it weren’t for my friends and years of therapy I would be in a much lower place,

I am very thankful for their support and have been able to process my grief properly. Two years ago, I took a job offer that provided more benefits than my current one, and moved far away from my city to another. I travel back to occasionally meet up with friends and of course to visit my family’s graves on their death anniversary.

It is a 7 hour car drive, or around an hour by plane. Due to Covid, last year I drove to avoid contact with people and stayed at my old house. This year I plan to do the same thing but ran into an issue with my friend having her wedding in my old city.

My friend “Amy (33F)” (fake name) announced she was engaged last year to her boyfriend of 3 months. My friend group and I were quite shocked as we never even met him nor did we know she was dating anyone as we usually tell each other, but nonetheless we congratulated her and were happy for her.

They were supposed to have their wedding last year but couldn’t due to covid and postponed it to this year. We are not in US btw, and covid cases are now less than 10 here in my country. We are allowed gatherings of less than 15 people, and that is what Amy decided to do for her wedding.

About a week ago Amy called me privately to tell me her plans for the wedding. She told me that she is having it on the same day of my family’s death anniversary, and would like me to not visit their graves and just attend the wedding instead.

I was quite shocked that the wedding was planned that specific day and questioned as to why she picked that day, Amy told me she just liked the number date and told me that I can’t just gate-keep a certain day. Then I asked her why can’t I go visit my family’s grave,

she told me that she doesn’t want my sadness and grief to take the attention at her wedding. I was incredibly stunned at what she said. I know I am quite emotional, but I know how to compose and behave myself at certain events. Here’s where I think I am the AH,

I told Amy that unfortunately I will not miss out on visiting my family’s graves. I tried to ask for a compromise and told her if my emotions were that much of a problem, I’ll attend their graves after the wedding was over. She said she wants my support for the entire day and dedicate it towards her, but she’ll think about my offer.

It’s been a week and I have not heard from her, I feel like should just go to the wedding to keep the peace as I owe it to her, especially after all the support and love she gave me after my family’s death.

But it still doesn’t feel right that just attend the wedding and forget about my family. Would I be an AH if I told her I won’t be attending the wedding at all if she hasn’t reached a decision?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

TracyMinOB −  NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss. But I have a question. Why is Amy allowed to gate-keep that day for her own, but not you? After all, her wedding anniversary will be on that date from now on. Will she try to force you to forget about your loss every year? I think it’s really insensitive and selfish of her.. Edit: Thx for the awards!

ieya404 −  First off – my heart goes out to you. I can’t imagine what it’s been like to go through what you’ve been through.. As to the question… She told me that she is having it on the same day of my family’s death anniversary, and would like me to not visit their graves and just attend the wedding instead.

And that’s the point at which I knew she was the AH. Had she unknowingly picked the same day, invited you, and only found out too late, that might’ve gotten close to N_A_H. But deliberately picking the day she _knows_ you grieve on?. No.. That’s not the action of a friend.

You aren’t “gate-keeping” that day. She and others can do what they like. You’re simply saying that _you_ are not available that day. NTA. You aren’t even close to one, and Amy’s just about a double one. Not just for planning her event on that day when she knew its significance, but for pushing you too. Ugh.

HarknessDelta −  NTA. this woman is not your friend. at all. in your shoes, i would probably go off along the lines of “your wedding will never, ever, ever compete with honoring my DEAD FAMILY, you know, the spouse and daughter and mother i lost? ON THE SAME DAY?” i’m so sorry. seriously, don’t ever speak to her again.

Alert-Potato −  NTA – Amy is not your friend. She is a self-centered bridezilla who doesn’t care one whit about you. She *knew* when she picked the date, completely arbitrarily, that it was the date that you lost three family members. Not just any three family members, not distant family members,

but three of the hardest to lose if it happens singly. It isn’t enough for her that you attend her wedding, but she wants you to devote your entire day to her and pretend it isn’t the anniversary date of the worst day of your life. Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, *f**k Amy.* She’s being cruelly narcissistic, and you don’t need that s**t in your life.

Skippy2716 −  I was going to go with a gentle NAH and suggest that a happy memory might help soften the sorrow.. Then I read past the title. Your friend knew the significance of the date to you and chose it anyway (strike one).

She then has the entitled audacity to forbid you to visit your family’s grave on her wedding day (strike two) and lecture YOU about gatekeeping, saying that she wants your support for the entire day (strike three and she is OUT). THEN she says that she will THINK about letting you visit the grave after her wedding (strike four because this crazy bridezilla doesn’t know when to stop)

OP, I don’t know if this is normal behavior for this friend, but I do know that it is unacceptable. Tell her that you WILL be visiting the graves on that day, and if she chooses to uninvite you from the wedding because of that, it is her choice and the ONLY decision that is hers to make. If she does, I would re-evaluate the friendship, because you deserve better.. NTA at all.

theproblem_solver −  NTA.. Who’s “gatekeeping dates” now? People who send invitations, please remember that an invitation is not a summons. Invitees can decline an invitation without explanation. BTW, your good friend’s anniversary will also always be the death anniversary of your family. She’s going to hold that over your head forever, too…

[Reddit User] −  I visit my grandpa’s grave on the anniversary of his death each year. Down in Chicago. The first few years I told nobody, but eventually my friends wanted to do something that day and I said no and they asked why and, embarrassed, I explained.

There was a pause until one of them asked “should we make a day of it?” If I’m driving the two hours each way anyway and not working that day why don’t we don’t all go down together, see do Chicago stuff, get an Alpine Sub and visit the grave while there?

And now, every year, we all go down together, and yes I still cry every time while we’re sitting eating our sandwiches in the graveyard. OP, you are NTA. Your friends being against you visiting a grave during, before, or after their wedding isn’t healthy, they should support you.

buxombride −  Absolutely NTA. i am so sorry for your loss ❤️

greenradioactive −  NTA. No contest. Amy is being waaaay too self-centered