AITA for having a wedding and not disclosing we were already legally married?

A Redditor shares a story about their wedding, where they did not disclose to most people that they were already legally married over a year prior due to health insurance needs.

When their mother-in-law discovered the truth while helping them pack, she accused them of deception and labeled the wedding a “gift grab.” Now, the couple is grappling with whether they were in the wrong. Read the original story below to learn more:

‘ AITA for having a wedding and not disclosing we were already legally married?’

About two months ago, my husband and I got “married” in a beautiful ceremony. It was SO MUCH FUN. We went on a honeymoon after. The price tag makes me wheeze, but my parents were insistent on paying for 95% of it, saying it’s their only daughter’s wedding. As a result, the wedding was way more fancy than something my husband or I could afford!

My husband and I paid the rest — his family did not contribute (which is fine!). The wedding was lovely, but missing one piece – the marriage license. About a year and a half ago, I was going through some serious health issues (the issues are resolved now, thankfully!). I had recently graduated from school and didn’t have health insurance.

My husband and I decided to get married so I could join his health insurance. It was a quick Justice of the Peace ceremony. We were always planning to have a ceremony at some point in the future. A few months after that, he “proposed” (something I didn’t see coming!), the wedding occurred, and here we are today, planning for kids.

Very few people knew we got legally married about a year and a half ago. We weren’t trying to be deceptive. However, part of it was that I wasn’t comfortable revealing my health issues. My husband respected this. My parents knew about our legal marriage, but his mother did not. His mom (I’ll call her Carol) and I aren’t close. She’s fine enough in low doses, but…

We’re currently in the process of moving. This past weekend, his mother came to help us pack up things. As we were packing files (birth certificate, social security cards, etc.), somehow our marriage license must’ve slipped out. Carol picked it up and kept insisting we need to frame it. And then she noticed the date.

Carol lost it. She insisted we lied to everyone. She said our wedding ceremony was just a “gift grab” (our wedding website stated that someone’s presence was gift enough— we still got many generous gifts and we are forever grateful). Carol went and called her twin sister, my husband’s aunt, and the sister called and lashed out at us.

She said we were sneaky and deceptive. She is saying she may want her gift back—something we are fine with giving her. For me and my husband, the legal wedding was just so I could get insurance. A means to an end.

Our wedding date is what we will celebrate. Are we assholes for not being more upfront? I’ve been really upset and confused and waffle back and forth. My husband insists we are not assholes.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

nextm8 −  NTA. There is a reason why you only take Carol in small doses

hideyyo −  NTA Also keep in mind that gifts are just that. Once somebody gifts you something, sole ownership of that thing goes to you.

BropolloCreed −  NTA. Also, your husband deserves an extra shout out for backing your decision. There’s far, far too many feckless spouses out there who will side with “mommy and daddy” over their partner.. And those partners deserve better.

vanastalem −  I suspect she’s just hurt she didn’t know you’d already been married a year and a half. Her son didn’t tell her and I can see why she’d be upset. Lots of people have ceremonies after they’re already married, it’s not uncommon. Older people sometimes don’t get legally married force variety of reasons (like benefits from a deceased spouse) and just have a commitment ceremony.

[Reddit User] −  how is it a gift grab if you didn’t have one a year and a half ago? like, if you’d done a real wedding back then, there would have been a reception anyway so… NTA. but if you haven’t found away to explain things to her,

figure out a way to tell her while leaving the unwanted specifics out and have your husband explain the situation. you won’t wanna be on your MIL’s bad side from the proverbial gate.

ShoelessBoJackson −  NTA. Being legally married unlocks certain powers that can make life better. Y’all did that and that was wise. The ceremony / reception is to celebrate the couple, and also a good way to see friends and relatives that aren’t close by. The fact that y’all were legally married doesn’t diminish the celebration.

Carol is being an a**hole because she feels entitled to know EVERY detail about you and her son, and her not knowing a socially irrelevant (but legally very relevant) detail wounds her little heart. This is a perfect application for the non-apology “I’m sorry you feel that way, but we made the right decision ”

[Reddit User] −  NTA. I understand Carol feeling hurt at her son not telling her he was married, but your health and legal relationship status are your business. Nor should you be denied a big family affair just because your circumstances forced you to get a marriage license. She was way out of line.

electropop_robot −  NTA. Your husband probably should’ve told his mum, but Carol sounds ridiculous. Give her gift back & be done with it.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. OP, my boyfriend (I guess legally husband) and I did the exact same thing. I had some health issues and his insurance was excellent. So we got legally married and didn’t really tell anyone. My parents are EXTREMELY judgmental and would not be okay with this so I just don’t tell them.

I keep them on an information diet anyway. To us, it’s not a marriage, just another legal document. When we have the actual proposal, ring, ceremony, etc., that to us is the real wedding, a public declaration of our love and commitment.

We don’t even call each other husband and wife because we don’t see it like that. Don’t let people on this thread tell you otherwise. You did what you did and it benefited you in the end, that’s all that matters. Btw, the healthcare I received saved my life without breaking my bank. Sometimes a rarity in the US!

OverallDisaster −  NAH but people do get touchy about this and she’s his mom, I can totally understand why she got upset not knowing you’ve actually been married almost 2 years ago.

Do you think the couple should have disclosed their earlier legal marriage, or were they justified in keeping it private and focusing on their wedding celebration? Was the reaction from the mother-in-law warranted? Share your opinions below!