AITA for telling my daughter the truth about why I wasn’t in her life?

A Reddit user shared a deeply emotional story about reconnecting with his daughter, Kara, after 19 years. He discovered that his ex had lied about having an abortion and never informed him of his daughter’s existence.

Despite her family’s request to keep this secret, he chose honesty when Kara asked why he hadn’t been in her life. His revelation caused family outrage, with accusations of selfishness for tarnishing Kara’s image of her late mother. Read the full story below to see if his decision was justified.

‘ AITA for telling my daughter the truth about why I wasn’t in her life?’

To start, my ex and I were 19 when she got pregnant. We had recently broke up and she found out a couple weeks later that she was pregnant. She said she planned to get an a**rtion but only wanted her sister there.

So I was always under the belief that she had aborted. She only contacted me once saying it was done and we didn’t speak again. Fast forward 19 yrs later, I found out a month ago that was a lie. My ex passed away 3 years ago and my daughter Kara has been living with her uncle.

He was the one to reach out to give me a heads up after she expressed an interest in wanting us to connect. He and I spoke at length because I was feeling some pretty strong emotions like rage for never being told about her.

My ex had backed out of the a**rtion but didn’t want me involved because we were broken up so decided just not to tell me. But he told me that Kara doesn’t know about that. Apparently I wasn’t ready for fatherhood because we were both young so I bailed.

I couldn’t believe it. Rob (her uncle) told me he knows his sister was wrong for that but promised Kara doesn’t have any negative feelings towards me and my ex never painted me as some villain, just a young guy who knew he couldn’t properly care for her.

He asked me not to tell Kara this when we talk if she asks and because it could hurt the way she saw her mom. I never actually confirmed I would. Kara messaged me and we’ve been talking. I’ve met her twice and it’s been crazy emotional.

Looking at this girl who looks just like me and hurting that we’re just barely getting to know each other So far our conversations have only been about what her life was like, how my life is, what her wants/future goals are, and getting to know each other.

We met again Tuesday and she finally decided to ask the obvious questions about what made me not be involved. How did I feel, what went through my mind, did I ever think about her,etc.

I had been thinking about what to do but in that moment I just didn’t have it in me to lie so I was honest. That I was told about the a**rtion, had no idea she even existed until now, but that I still really want to be in her life and have the chance to be her father if she wants that. Kara was a bit emotional, we talked some more, and said she still wants me involved.

That night my messages were blowing up. Not just from rob but her grandparents as well. They’re all outraged for telling Kara about her mom because she yelled at all of them and is refusing to even take their calls.

Yes, the lie was terrible but I just ruined the image she had of her late mother for my own benefit. Rob called me a selfish d**k for not taking into consideration how this would affect Kara finding out about this.

So right now I feel like s**t. I get “honesty is the best policy” but in this case I don’t know if I was an a**hole for doing it. I’m still learning this whole “dad” business so don’t know if I dropped the ball here.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

[Reddit User] −  NTA! Your ex lied, your ex created this mess. I’m sorry she has passed, but she did this. You have no obligation to continue a lie you had no part of. Your daughter deserved the truth.

reverendunclebastard −  NTA. The people who lied to her for her entire life are to blame for her being upset at the lies. You are NOT obligated to take the heat for the lies of others. I do hope you are planning on staying in her life now, it would be s**tty to drop that info and disappear, but if you stick around she deserves to know the truth so that your newly-found connection isn’t built on a lie from the start.

Curiousnaturejunk −  NTA. How terrible for both you and your daughter. You didn’t ruin the image of her mom, you told her the truth. Her mom decided not to abort her and must have loved her immensely.

As for the whole family cover up, she has ever right to be mad. She missed out on 19 years with you because of it. I have to ask though, is there a reason why mom didn’t want you in the daughter’s life then? Was it a bad breakup? It seems like something is missing here.

flooperdooper4 −  NTA- Not to speak ill of the dead, but Kara’s mother did this to herself. It was unfair to both you and Kara to keep you apart for all these years, and doubly unfair to expect you to maintain a lie. Will it be painful for Kara to process this, and reconcile the truth with her own image of her mother/family? Absolutely. However, the truth is the truth. I hope you and Kara continue to build a strong bond!

TwoCentsPsychologist −  NTA. Your ex robbed you and Kara of 19 years of relationship together. That is a LOT to rebuild. To also have Kara believe you left is asking too much. You can’t build a solid foundation on a lie. You can now discuss with Kara, how her mom thought she was doing the best, even if you both disagree.

And that her family followed her mom, and there’s no need to punish them. They could have lied again and tell her “we didn’t really know the guy”, instead of letting you know so you both can establish a relationship. I wish you the very best; you have lots to catch up.

dart1126 −  NTA. Did ‘Rob’ ever call his sister a selfish d**k for keeping her child from her father and vice versa ?!?

[Reddit User] −  NTA. Kara will have to reconcile what she now knows with how she feels about her mother, likely with the help of a therapist, but she deserves to know the truth. Her entire life has had a massive lie at the heart of it up until this point; imagine trying to keep up that lie while building a relationship with your daughter.

That would be unforgivable, IMO, and for what? Her mother’s family need to face up to what your ex did, and the part they’ve played in it for the past 19 years. And they can start by acknowledging that you are not the bad guy here.

DaiZzedandConFuZed −  NTA. So… someone lied to you and your daughter denying you a relationship that should’ve existed her entire life and they’re blaming you for the fallout that occurs because you clarified it? No. Rob does not get to call you anything. Her grandparents also. You are her father and they cut you out of her life for *19 years*. They can take the fallout for that.

[Reddit User] −  NTA she deserved to know , it’s her life not theirs

Kay_Elle −  NTA. As sucky as the situation is: you’re the parent she still has, and you both seem to want that. Lying to her would not be a good way to build that relationship. They all participated in that lie, and it finally caught up with them.

Do you think the father was right to be honest with Kara about the past, or should he have prioritized protecting her image of her late mother? How would you handle this emotional situation? Share your thoughts below!