AITA for canceling the plans for thanksgiving after my parents called my brother’s baby their “first grandchild”?

A devoted mother and her wife face a painful revelation when her parents claim that their biological granddaughter is their “first grandchild,” excluding her stepchildren from the family. The mother canceled Thanksgiving plans in response, leaving her wondering if she overreacted or stood up for her family.

‘ AITA for canceling the plans for thanksgiving after my parents called my brother’s baby their “first grandchild”?’

I (32f) have been with my wife Ava (34f) for 8 years now, but we’ve been married for 5. She was a single mom of three kids when we started dating, she had two daughters (now 10 & 12) and a son (now 16). I’ve watched these kids grow up, I’ve read the bedtime stories, done bath time, the first days of school, pta meetings, all of it. I very much consider them to be my kids, and they’ve been calling me mom for almost 6 years now.

My brother Ivan (28m) just had a baby girl with his fiancé Sara (27f). I love my niece, and my kids adore their cousin. My kids have been the only grandchildren on my side of the family since Ava and I got together, and there’s never been a moment where the kids and my wife were treated like they didn’t belong.

My brother is their uncle, my mom and dad are their nana and pop— the kids see my family as their family and I always thought that my family felt the same way about them. The kids and I were over at my brother’s house just hanging out, and my parents ended up dropping by with gifts for my niece.

Ivan laughed when he saw the toys and told our mom and dad that they were going to end up spoiling her rotten. My mom said since my niece is their first grandchild of course they have to spoil her. My kids were sitting in the living room with all of us and my youngest daughter looked hurt when she realized what my mother said. My son and my 12yo didn’t fully react to it, but I could tell it bothered the both of them too. Sara spoke up and said “oh you mean first grandbaby, not first grandchild.”

My dad shook his head and replied that my niece was their first grandchild. I didn’t want my kids to keep sitting there and listening to that so I handed my son my keys and told him to wait in the car with his sisters. When they were gone, I asked my parents why the hell they’d say that my kids weren’t their grandchildren, and my mom said they couldn’t be their grandchildren because they weren’t really my children.

My wife and I were going to be hosting thanksgiving at our house this year, but I told my parents that if they didn’t view my kids as their family, then they could just host a meal at their own house with their “real” family while I spent the holiday with mine. I left before they could say anything else to me, and my wife and I have reiterated to the children that they will always be my kids and I will always be their other mom, regardless of our DNA.

My brother is pissed at me now because he thinks I reacted too harshly, and that I should try to see where my parents are coming from. My mom texted saying that she and my dad love the kids, but they still aren’t their grandchildren, and she hopes that we can come to understand that because she doesn’t want this to ruin my niece’s first thanksgiving. I haven’t replied back. I meant what I said, but I’m worried that maybe I’m reacting too harshly..

ETA INFO: I adopted all three of the kids about 4 years ago, so they aren’t just my parents “step grandchildren”. Even if I hadn’t legally adopted them, they’d still be my kids in my eyes..

Edit no.2: My wife’s parents don’t have a relationship with the kids. When my wife came out, they pretty much stopped speaking with her entirely. Their bio dad is not involved and neither is his family. He lost his rights to the children before Ava and I started dating. The 10yo has never met him, the 12yo doesn’t remember him, and the 16yo wants nothing to do with him. My parents wanted the kids to call them Nana and Pop. I didn’t make the kids start calling them that.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

dart1126 −  NTA. Sister-in-law Sara is a rockstar…She totally tried to save that fumble. Your parents should have picked up on that and caught that pass and saved the situation . Instead they doubled down and argued the point. That’s extremely unfortunate and I’m sorry.

AZJHawk −  NTA. That was a really s**tty thing of your parents to think, let alone say, let alone say in front of your kids. You are completely justified in your reaction. If it were me, I don’t know if it is something that could be fixed with a simple apology.

unknown_928121 −  I was the child who was told I wasn’t really family once someone biological came along. It’s been nearly 20 years since that moment and I still remember it as if it was a second ago. NTA Thank you so much for the awards, my little heart is all a flutter.

should_be_writing1 −  Damn, Sara even gave them an out with the “oh you mean grand baby” comment, which is a slip of tongue I can see people saying unintentionally, but they doubled down twice!. NTA.

dublos −  NTA. Your parents were deeply wrong. My mom texted saying that she and my dad love the kids, but they still aren’t their grandchildren, and she hopes that we can come to understand that because she doesn’t want this to ruin my niece’s first thanksgiving. They’re just digging themselves deeper, aren’t they.

[Reddit User] −  NTA, god forbid they ruin thanksgiving for the newborn who would definitely rather not go and can’t eat any of the food.

Hyacathusarullistad −  NTA. Your parents seemed to be fine letting your kids consider them grandparents for *years*. Nothing should change just because someone has squirted out a baby they share DNA with. That means this whole time they’ve really only considered your kids some kind of twisted consolation prize.

And as if that wasn’t heartbreaking enough, they decide it’s fine to say this with your children in the room?! That’s absolutely vile, and even if they apologise and backpedal I’d think twice about the level of contact and intimacy they’re allowed with your children. You did exactly the right thing, and don’t let anyone lead you to believe otherwise.

SlinkyMalinky20 −  NTA and I’m boggled that they doubled down on it. And the audacity to say that they don’t want it to ruin the new baby’s first Thanksgiving. New babies are like potted plants at this stage – they don’t care about Thanksgiving. Your parents legitimately ruined the thankful holiday for kids who can and do remember now. Hold the line and protect your family. Your parents and brothers are being beyond hurtful and they don’t seem to care.

McflyThrowaway01 −  NTA. Your parents essentially used your children as their stand in grandchildren until the baby came. If your brother didn’t have a kid, they would still be the grandparents they were. They literally said that in front of your kids, basically telling them that their time is over. Your brother as a parent himself who has a relationship with your kids, is now basking in the love and attention your parents are showing him.

I would ask your brother how he would feel if your wife and kids refused to call him uncle or his kid cousin and said they were not part of their family and made sure his kid heard it. How could he support any child being treated like this as a parent? Your parents literally said that they aren’t concerned about YOUR FEELINGS OR YOUR KIDS FEELINGS, ONLY THE BABY NIECES THANKSGIVING.

Tell your mom that the fact that she is more concerned about your nieces first Thanksgiving than making things right with you and your kids whose feelings she hurt, is the exact reason why she isnt invited anymore. And it’s also the reason why you won’t have your kids around her or any of them again. That they won’t grow up being told and shown that they are not part of the family.

LarkspurSong −  Sara handed them the perfect opportunity to fix their statement and your parents doubled down. That’s got to be so upsetting for the kids. It would have been so very easy for your parents to just say they were excited for the first baby just to spare your children’s feelings, but they didn’t even care enough to do that much. That’s cold. Very cold.

NTA and if I were Ivan and Sara I’d be very concerned with how your parents clear favoritism would impact their daughter’s relationship with her cousins. Children notice these things even without it being spelled out for them, and your parents went ahead and plainly announced that kid is going to be their favorite.