AITA for telling my surrogate to stop acting like she was my husband’s wife?

A woman (30s) and her husband decided to use surrogacy due to her health issues, with her friend’s sister, Brittany (29), agreeing to be their surrogate. However, things became complicated when Brittany began to act as though she had more of a say in the pregnancy and the baby’s future,

making demands such as more access to credit cards, being involved in baby name choices, and insisting only her husband be in the delivery room. The woman confronted Brittany and set boundaries, leading to tension with Brittany’s family. She is now questioning if she was wrong. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for telling my surrogate to stop acting like she was my husband’s wife?’

My husband and I have been together for 5 years. We wanted kids but because of my health problems this wasn’t possible. We decided to go with surrogacy, my friend nominated her sister ( Brittany 29) I agreed right away cause I know Brittany and the family.

We’ve set everything up. Discussed payment, short and long term plans, counseling and dr appointments. We explored IVF and chose a private clininc to get it done. It started after Brittany took a pregnancy test. She only told my husband though she had both our numbers.

she only sent my husband a pic of the test while he was at work and sent me nothing when I gave her my personal contact info but it was okay. Things got complicated when Brittany started having access to our credit cards for her own wants and claim they were the baby’s needs.

She excluded me from dr visits and scans and had only my husband go with her. Her excuse was my husband drives and has time since I work and “unavailable” most of the time. I felt isolated from this experience but said nothing knowing she’s bearing a lot of burden so I had patience. My husband had no idea what was going on and if this was normal. This was new to us so we didn’t know.

She’s 7 months in and last week she had us visit to discuss things that I thought we’d previously agreed on but she said she changed her mind about and her mom was there too. I heard Brittany out and was shocked when she gave a list of how things should be from now on since she said “there was lot of confusion” in the past cause of me stressing her out by complaining.

She requested she gets say in things like baby name after I “deleted” the list of names she sent to my husband. She wanted more access to my husband’s credit cards/free time to get stuff done at her place. Also more time with the baby than agreed on.

Then wrapped up by saying only my husband should be with her in the delivery room and used the hospital as excuse. I got up and firmly stated I don’t agree on her new terms and that she had to stop acting like she was my husband’s wife and this was their baby. My husband didn’t speak til she started crying.

He asked me to sit down but I said I had boundaries, reminded her what her role was and how she overstepped. Her mom went off and and said her daughter was being mistreated when she put herself mentally and physically through the most selfless act for us, to make us a family.

She gave up a part of her life in those months to give us what we want and I was acting selfish and ungrateful. She had us leave then told my friend and it got more complicated. I was told to apologize for what i said. IATA

Edit: yes, we agreed on paying for the surrogacy like I stated above. So no favors or anything.

Edit: No, we did not have a legal contract because my friend said there was no need for us to do that and basically talked us out of it since we are considered family but we had an agreement including paying her.

Edit: Question about whether Brittany had kids of her own. She was a single mom of a 4 year old who passed away from an accident. She had him at young age but she always seemed in good mental and physical health.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

ikugbjk −  This… may be above Reddit’s pay grade.

**INFO:** Is there an actual written legal contract? Because if there is, I don’t see how she can really demand changing anything. If there isn’t… Oof. Oof oof oof \*oof \*oof \*oof.

**Edit:** \- **INFO2:** \– Okay, so there’s no legal contract. Is there at least a written contract? A voice-recording of the agreement? Texts? Emails? Anything at all?

**Lawyer up immediately, OP.** I feel for you.

**Edit2:** \- A lot of people have said and I agree that something really fishy is going on here.

* Has OP answered whose egg this is?. * How the insemination was done?

* Why her husband is so okay with OP being cut out??

This could be anything from Brittany seeing an opportunity for a free baby and child support to Op’s husband and Brittany being in on some kind of gross twisted scheme. There’s so little information here and I have… just so many questions. I can only sum up this post with 😬😬😬

[Reddit User] −  This is why surrogacy is so heavily regulated. Was there a contract? If not, yikes, get a lawyer ASAP. Surrogates have no business being involved in naming the baby or dictating time spent with the child. Red flags abound. You’re NTA but you may have put yourself in a situation where an unstable person could now have leverage to essentially be a 3rd parent to your child.

[Reddit User] −  YTA 100% for not having a contract and I find it hard to believe that your clinic did not insist on one before proceeding. Honestly, I think this sounds made up to me, since it is unheard of not to have a surrogacy contract in place before anything medical happens at a clinic because without one situations like that happen too often.

cassie_chou −  I dont want to sound horrible but I would check if your husband is having an affair with her. If not physical then at least emotional. My husband would tell me if someone who “involded” with both of us, was messaging him only.

Also, it doesn’t even look like he’s defending you. It’s crazy that he said nothing whilst she made her demands and when her mom was tearing you a new one.. Strange. Strange. Strange.

Disneyfreak77 −  NTA. She wants the “doting husband” treatment while she’s pregnant. Lawyer up and lay down the law for her. She’s carrying your baby, you get to name it. As for your husbands credit cards and time, she’s out of her mind.

Also, isn’t it usually a requirement for a surrogate that she’s already carried a healthy pregnancy to term? Does she not have other kids? This is what’s wrong with 1) having a family friend do it. Too personal And 2) not checking their mental state beforehand Not saying it’s your fault, she’s nuts. Get a lawyer and set up a meeting ASAP.

[Reddit User] −  ESH – see edit. But like others have stated, I hope you have an airtight contract with her and you’ve made sure she will have no rights to your child, because it sounds like she’s gearing up to make a ploy at keeping them.

What exactly does she even need at her house? She’s not bringing this child home, is she? This is confusing, but I would react the same way as you. And your husband is also being an AH for not standing up for you and allowing Brittany to exclude you from this process.

Edit: I have changed this to ESH because you went about this process in the most horrible, unprepared way possible and this child’s life is going to be a nightmare. You made a verbal agreement with a woman who LOST HER CHILD.

There is absolutely no way on earth that she was ever mentally okay to be a surrogate, and her whole family knew it, which is why they talked you out of a contract. There is no way she is ever handing that baby over to you, this is now her baby with your husband and you will be nothing more than a stepmom, if your marriage even survives this.

This is going to be the most costly (financially, mentally, and emotionally) learning moment of your life. I am sorry that you are going through this, but how did neither of you have even the smallest amount of foresight or instinct to protect yourselves or this unborn child from what is going to be a contentious upbringing for their entire childhood. The only person NTA in this scenario is this poor baby.

Novel_Ad_7318 −  INFO: Was this a professionally organised surrogate and situation, with contracts and legal backing?

EDIT: Should this not be the case, ESH majorly. All of you have opened the floodways to this mess of a situation. There are reasons why surrogacy is forbidden in some jurisdictions, it’s an emotional mess.

You seemed to have jumped at a situation, which didn’t work out for obvious reasons and because of a lack of emotional distance on every part. Now a child will be brought into this mess, which yes, may as well suffer a lot from it. This could have been prevented.

She shouldn’t have volunteered herself, you shouldn’t have chosen someone with such a connection to you. There should have been a ton of screenings and boundaries like this being set waaaay beforehand.

I am not surprised this turned into a mess to be honest, Also, while yes, volunteering her body seems selfless, it isn’t fully – she is getting paid for that. At this point, there needs to be a serious discussion with a counselor or legal advisor, maybe both. This is gonna turn ugly.

Full_Fold_8732 −  This is delicate… NTA IF you have a legal contract that has been notarized. If you didn’t do that then I’m sorry but you and your husband are idiots. Also, never do business (and yes this is business) with friends.

ButtonHappy3759 −  TALK TO A LAWYER ASAP

LoganDeLuca2004 −  NTA. Lawyer up, it sounds like she’s planning on keeping the baby for herself.

The balance between surrogacy and family dynamics can be tricky, and boundaries are crucial. Was the woman in the right to set firm limits, or did she overstep in a sensitive situation? Share your thoughts below!