AITA for the email I sent to a teacher about her “You have to include everyone” rules, saying that was a dangerous lesson?

A mother is teaching her 12-year-old daughter about setting boundaries and saying “No” when she feels uncomfortable. The daughter had an encounter in class where she and her friends didn’t want to include a boy who had been bothering them at recess. The teacher emailed the mother about the incident, stating that the daughter had excluded the boy, which was against class rules.

The mother responded with an email expressing concerns about the “You have to include everyone” mentality, explaining that teaching her daughter to prioritize her comfort and boundaries was more important. The teacher now wants to meet with the mother and principal, and the mother is unsure if her email was too harsh.

‘ AITA for the email I sent to a teacher about her “You have to include everyone” rules, saying that was a dangerous lesson?’

My daughter is 12, I’m trying to teach her ways of creating and respecting her boundaries that are age appropriate. Teaching her that it’s ok to say “No” to things she feels uncomfortable with. There is a boy in her class who keeps bothering her and her female friends at recess. I’ve encouraged her to go to me or her teacher when this happens.

My daughter told me a few days ago that in class, the teacher had asked the kids to form groups of about four or five. She had formed a group of five with some other girls, then the boy who had been giving her trouble at recess came over and said he was joining their group.

Another girl said that they already have five, and he should work with a group who only have two or three people. He said no because the teacher had said “about” four or five. My daughter then said that they didn’t want to work with him, and he should find another group. A few of the other girls agreed with her.

He said that “you can’t exclude me like that, it’s against class rules” and she said she didn’t care. I heard about this from my daughter first, and the way she talked about it, she had been firm but not unkind. But then I got an email from her teacher saying she wanted to call.

She said there had been an incident at school where my daughter had excluded another child, and that wasn’t allowed in her class, and she wanted me to have a talk with her about it. Her telling of events was the same as my daughter’s. I felt proud of my daughter for her honesty.. I sent her an email saying… Dear Mrs. (Teacher)

I’m sorry, but that is not a lesson I feel comfortable teaching my daughter. She’s at the age where she is already having to deal with unwanted attention, and I’m making a point to teach her that she does not have to be around anyone who makes her uncomfortable.

And that a young lady is able to choose to spend time with people who make her feel respected. I understand you already are aware (Boy) has been behaving in ways that she feels uncomfortable with at recess, from our prior conversations.

I think it is a very dangerous lesson to teach a girl she has to include and be kind to everyone, instead of teaching her to be aware of when someone is not respecting her “No” and stepping out of the situation. I hope I don’t have to explain in too much detail why I find this important…

But to put it briefly, I was brought up with the “Include everyone” mindset. No exceptions. It taught me to ignore my own comfort level, and as I became a young adult I became the victim of men who used my inability to say “No” to their advantage. It’s a dangerous lesson, and no longer appropriate at that age..

Thank you,. OP She emailed me back asking for a meeting in person with the principal. I’m preparing for that but wondering if my email was too harsh, AITA for my response to my daughter’s teacher?. 

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Lisabeybi −  You could point out that the boy didn’t ‘need’ to join their group as there were other incomplete groups. He ‘wanted’ to join that one that was already complete for the sole reason that your daughter was in the group.

Ask them when and, more importantly *why* his ‘want’ to be near your daughter superseded your daughter’s ‘need’ to feel safe from his unwanted advances and harassment. Edit: Aww, thank you for the awards!. NTA

stroppo −  NTA! I am fed up to the back teeth with men and boys getting away with nonsense like this. In fact I think you were careful to be polite in your letter and could’ve gone further. Especially so in this case, as it seems you have pointed out problems with this boy in the past. So it’s not something the teacher is unaware of.

Prepare yourself for the meeting. Have a list of exactly all the incidents of harassment (for that is what it is) that your daughter has experienced. Be specific. Say that you’ve mentioned it to the teacher before, and state what actions were taken (it sounds like nothing). See if you can look up some facts of about the rise in harassment of girls at school.

Say this boy was harassing her, and her friends, and that she has the right to not work with someone she feels uncomfortable with. Ask them what they plan to do about the boy’s actions. If it’s not sufficient, tell them you’ll go higher; to the principal’s boss and the school board.

Say if the school will not be responsible for ensuring the safety of its pupils you will consider legal actions. Stand up to them. Don’t let the bullies win.

Candy4Evr −  NTA. You’re protecting your daughter. For too long, girls + women were taught not to “make waves” + to put up with bad behavior. (Does #MeToo ring any bells?) Your daughter has the right to stand up for herself + not be made to put up with people who make her uncomfortable, hurt her, etc.

If “Teacher” knows what “Boy” is doing + is doing NOTHING to stop him, I’d report “Teacher” and possibly “Boy.”

Any-Confusion-4526 −  NTA, and you should ask them why are they more concerned about your daughter saying no than being concerned that the boy is constantly harassing your daughter and friends.

He_Who_Is_Right_ −  NTA. When you have the meeting—and right out of the gate and before the teacher begins framing the issue as one of your daughter excluding the boy—you should (i) reference Title IX, (ii) remind the teacher and principal of the school’s responsibility to create a learning environment free from s**ual harassment,

tell the teacher you expect her to protect your daughter from being harassed by the boy, and (iv) ask if this will be the end of the matter or if you have to get counsel involved. Bring a notepad and take notes during the meeting. Your daughter is not the bad guy here. Don’t let anyone make her feel as though she is the bad guy.

jlwolfe6983 −  Teacher here, and you are definitely NTA. I actually find it quite concerning that the teacher in this situation is trying to justify this boy disrespecting the boundaries of others, female or otherwise. Please provide an update after the meeting with the principal, because I would love to hear their response!

tareable1 −  NTA! I am a teacher and I have had to have this conversation as well, but in reverse. Boundaries need to be respected and if someone is upset about that, then that’s a personal problem. If someone doesn’t want to be around someone due to how they are treated… then that is a logical consequence.

This teacher’s way of demonstrating inclusivity is backwards. Where are the inclusive rules for when this other student had repeatedly made her uncomfortable?
Best of luck. I hope things end in your favour. ETA: your email was respectful and firm. You stated facts. You should see the emails we get sometimes. This is definitely NOT one of those.

teresajs −  NTA I highly recommend that you consider using the words “consent” when discussing this with the Principal. As in, “My daughter has previously been the victim of b**lying by Boy and it’s important that she feel empowered to decide issues of consent regarding her personal space.

She doesn’t feel comfortable around Boy and he attempted to intimidate the girls into allowing him to join their group when there were other groups available.”

ketita −  NTA. you’re 100% right, and the teacher is trying to enforce a dangerous lesson. The teacher hasn’t been taking steps to protect the girls in the class. Furthermore, in this case, the teacher should have been on top of things anyway – there’s no excuse for one kid to insist on joining a group of 5 when they’re supposed to be in “groups of 4-5” and trying to rules-lawyer his way in.

Even if the boy hadn’t been bothering them, the teacher should be ensuring that the groups are somewhat even. Don’t back down on this. The teacher is absolutely in the wrong.

Qwertyu858 −  Unless you are a doormat, you already know you werent the a**hole. Now, be very firm that you want that boy as far as possible of your daughter and that you will personally sue the school and the teacher if something ever happens.