AITA For not caring if i hang out with my friends even if it makes my wufe upset?

A Reddit user seeks honest opinions about a conflict with their wife, who struggles with abandonment issues. After pausing his D&D hobby for a year due to her discomfort, he finally attended a game with her permission, only to face passive-aggressive remarks and the cold shoulder upon returning home. Now, he’s torn between understanding her feelings and asserting his need for personal free time.

‘ AITA For not caring if i hang out with my friends even if it makes my wufe upset?’

So ill start this off by saying im going to take this post down after about 24 hours because i want honest and unbiased opinion but am somewhat embarrassed to put out my business like this so i apoligize but i severely appreciate anyone who comments thier opinion with that bieng said here goes.

I want to start with saying I love my wife with all my bieng and shes my world despite any “flaws” that may be percieved i still love her just as much. Although unfortunately one thing is that she has some abandonment issues and theres nothing wrong with her bieng clingy cause of that, she cant control it but she has gotten better over the years so ill give her that.

But the incident im a bit peeved about is that me and my friends from work decided to play dnd, we all love dnd and have been excited to play and we have before tonight but it got cut short because one time i went my wife got so deppressed and bawled her eyes out in my arms i decided it wasnt worth making her feel bad.

But we got a chance to make the group again after about a year of not playing so i consulted with her and in her words went “im not saying no again because you said no once and never went again” so she felt bad and let me go. I told her how much i appreciate letting me go and that i love her very much. Every time i leave to go by myself somewhere i always remind her im coming back and that i love her very much and that usually calms her down.

So tonight was different apparantly because she made a snide remark before i left to go play but she has in the past and been mostly alright so i shrugged it off. And then i played dnd for about 4 hours which she knew it would take that long and i had a blast playing with my friends. But i get home after getting food for us both and i get the cold shoulder.

She doesnt really talk to me and decides to go to bed after saying that “i was alone for 4 hours so now your timer started so you can join me in bed after those 4 hours. Do not test this.” I of course was absolutely appalled when she was not kidding. I know she has seperation anxiety or at least something like it so i cant say much.

But at the same time i feel like i have earned my right to my own free time to do whatever i want and as of now am writing this feeling like i should not feel bad. So sorry for the long read but thank you for reading anyways, so one final question. Am i the asshole?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

ineversaw −  She’s using emotions to control you and manipulate you. Especially since history has shown it works.

imamage_fightme −  NTA. Your wife needs therapy ASAP cos if she seriously can’t handle you playing D&D with some friends for 4 hours, she has a problem. It is perfectly healthy and normal for couples to do activities/hang out with friends separately.

In fact, I would say it’s in a relationships best interest to not cling to one another 24/7, that level of codependency can lead to issues. A**ndonment issues are not an excuse to treat you poorly because you went out for a while, it’s really just unhealthy all around from her. She needs to deal with this instead of lashing out. Good luck!

Alwaysroom4morecats −  Just bc she can justify her behaviour by saying she has separation anxiety etc doesn’t make it right. She needs support to work through this. You can’t live your life tied to her side, that’s not how it works and she will just drive you away eventually. Seems like you’ve put up with more that most but everyone has a breaking point NTA.

Pascalle112 −  NTA. I shall share my experience with you and hopefully it’ll help. My at the time Boyfriend also had a**ndonment issues and he’d been cheated on in the past. I knew this because he told me early in the relationship.

I told him I’d never cheated on anyone, had been cheated on so I can relate to how devastating and mind screwing that is, and I was happy to be supportive. I also explained I am a fairly independent person and wasn’t going to change that, and I have close friends men and women and I wouldn’t be changing how I see them. The first time I was getting ready to meet a male friend (just he and I) my boyfriend got weird.

I reminded him I was coming back to his place (we didn’t live together), that I’d know my friend for over a decade, that he’d met him and his wife, and reminded him nothing had ever been romantic on either side. Then he started with the I’d rather you didn’t, why not stay home with him, couldn’t my friends wife join us, could my friend come here???

I simply said, I appreciate this is uncomfortable for you, that your trust has been broken in the past, and this is bringing stuff up. I’m not your ex, and don’t deserve to be treated like them. I am going out. No I won’t respond to every text message or phone call, just like I don’t when I’m with you. He wasn’t happy about it, I went out, had a great time and came back to cold shoulder.

Told him he had 2 options. Keep this behaviour up and I’d leave as I will not be manipulated into changing who I am OR he could get help which I would support. He created option 3, apologised, stopped the old shoulder, and admitted he could see how he was being m**ipulative. I still needed to give him more reassurance before I went out to help him cope but he never tried that again.

Given you’ve had this experience before and she’s now in my opinion escalated to timing you and demanding time alone from you for the same about of time which seems like it purely to punish you, I believe insisting she goes to therapy to address this and whatever else is going on is appropriate. You can’t and shouldn’t live like that. Yes you love her, that doesn’t mean she gets a free pass to treat you like this nor does it mean you should stay forever.

SeorniaGrim −  Yanno, I have had dogs with separation anxiety. They got meds, behavioral training, and crated when I left the house soo…. Joking aside – NTA. You deserve to have a social life outside of your wife if you want one. You also deserve to be able to work in peace. She 100% needs some therapy.

silver_thefuck −  NTA – while you can support her, at the end of the day, your wife’s issues are her own and she needs to start handling them yesterday. That means constructive therapy and learning methods of coping with her sense of a**ndonment without punishing you for being a normal human being with a social life.

She’s already stepping into a**sive behavior — she punished you for interacting with your friends (your support group) despite the conditions being entirely reasonable (during your off time, she knew in advance it was happening and how long it would take, and there’s no mention of missing an anniversary/pre-planned date/emergency) by depriving you of love and companionship. (Funny how that’s the exact behavior SHE’S afraid of) All of that accumulates to, eventually, isolating you from your support network, and who knows what she’ll decide is appropriate next?

If you truly believe the relationship is worth salvaging, arrange a time for her to sit down and talk. Let her know that you love her and that you understand she has trauma, but it’s unacceptable to take it out on you when you were never her abuser/source of her trauma. If she isn’t already in therapy, encourage her to seek out that help, because YOU can only do so much as support on your own if she isn’t willing to put in the work on her side.

If she is in therapy, ask if you can attend one of her sessions so the three of you can discuss what happened, and what coping techniques she might be able to use to manage her anxiety the next time you go somewhere without her. Relationships require equal effort to maintain, which includes ensuring that you as an individual are working to better yourself and take the steps necessary to be both mentally and physically healthy to benefit yourself AND your partner.

We can’t make you do anything, but if your wife refuses to improve herself, for your own well-being it may be best to consider separation. And I don’t mean her just SAYING she’ll get better–she has to show it with her actions, and the longer you put off this discussion, the worse it’s going to get. You deserve a partner who loves you enough to want to improve and make themselves and your relationship healthy and happy.

SlipMaximum6696 −  NTA. Me time is a real thing and very important. Covid is over, go hang out with your friends. It really is important for mental health to feel like an individual.

Zorbie −  NTA, this is on her, whether she is doing it knowingly or due to instability she is manipulating you.

DA-7400 −  So, your wife is unhappy because she had to be alone for 4 hours, and she’s going to punish you for that by not letting you come into the bedroom with her, so she can be alone in there for 4 hours? Yeah, that makes sense.. You sir, are most definitely NTA.