AITA for not telling my wife that I picked her daughter up drunk from a house party?

A Reddit user shares their dilemma after picking up their drunk stepdaughter from a house party. They had a deal with her and their own daughter to provide a safe, judgment-free way out of dangerous situations.

But they chose not to inform their wife about the incident to maintain their stepdaughter’s trust. Now, they’re questioning whether they made the right choice. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for not telling my wife that I picked her daughter up drunk from a house party?’

I’m going to try to keep this short and simple. I always tell my daughter and my stepdaughter if they’re ever in a situation that they need to get out of, just call me and I’ll drop whatever I’m doing and I will pick them up no questions asked no judgments made.

I let them know that I used to be a teenager once before, I told them everyone is entitled to make bad decisions every now and then. We’re only human and it’s a part of life. Last weekend I got a call from my stepdaughter (17), she told me she snuck out of the house and went to a party and had too much to drink.

She was scared of passing out at the party because there was people there she didn’t know. I got there just in time, she was so drunk she couldn’t even walk. I had to pick her up and carry her to the car.

I told her I was disappointed that she snuck out, but I also told her I was glad she made the right choice, the safe choice to have me pick her up. I haven’t told my wife about it, because I don’t want to violate the deal I made with her. I want her to know that she can trust me. I just hope I’m making the right choice.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Alchemyst19 −  NAH, but this is a tough one. The best course of action would have been too make your wife aware of the deal beforehand, and maybe even convince her to agree to it as well. Then, you wouldn’t have to keep secrets in your marriage.

As it stands, though, you can’t really tell your wife without violating the deal you made, and it’s important that your daughters are about to trust you.
Edit: changed Not the A**hole to No Assholes Here. Normally I wouldn’t, but there’s no conceivable way either other party is an a**hole here.

lsumrow −  NAH: but try to see if you can convince her to tell her mom herself with your help. It’ll let your wife know that she can trust the daughter and vice versa. That way you can provide judgement free guidance but continue to maintain transparency with your wife. Plus, it will show her how to take responsibility for her actions.

Edit: I’m going to double down on trying to get your SD involved in talking to your wife because as young as 17 is, it’s old enough to make small adult decisions about her actions. It’s a good teaching moment. I don’t know your family situation, but if your wife would be understanding, I think it could work. Edit 2: I put NTA when I really meant NAH

Splatterfilm −  INFO: is your wife likely to freak out and/or punish the daughter for getting drunk at a party?

Gorve1011 −  NAH I think you did right and you need to think about your stepdaughters trust if you tell her mum it will break it and she may hesitate to call you again. I would talk to your step daughter and encourage her to mention it when she is ready to but say your lips are sealed if she doesnt want to.

happy-lil-hippie −  NTA. You keeping your promise shows her that she can trust you in future situations. If you break that promise she may not trust you, and may not call again

greywinthrop −  YTA, although your heart is in the right place. This isn’t the kind of secret you should keep from your wife, if you want to be a united front in terms of parenting. You told your stepdaughter no questions asked and no judgments, but you didn’t promise not to tell her mother, and you should tell her, because she should be on the same page with you as far as trust.

Would you be okay if your wife was keeping secrets about your daughter’s behavior from you? Even if you think you would be understanding, how would you feel about the fact that she didn’t even give you a chance to make a decision about punishments?

You’re also making her into the bad guy and you’re now the “cool” parent by default, because your stepdaughter will assume that her mother will blow up at her while you’ll let her get away with things. Building trust with her daughter doesn’t mean that you should be undermining your wife.

jdessy −  NAH – I think you did the right thing in picking up your stepdaughter and extending that trust. I think that opens the door for her to call you in the future if she gets into another situation, and she also feels safe enough to call someone instead of being afraid to and getting into a worse situation.

I don’t know how angry your wife may be if she finds out that you didn’t tell her about this, though. So if she does find out, you should be aware of the consequences with her.

I think it would be wise to speak to your wife about this and see if both of you can come to an agreement to continue your deal with both girls. I’d also talk to your stepdaughter about it as well. I think all of you need to be on the same page.

If_only_one_listens −  YTA if you do not involve your wife in parenting her daughter. You’re awesome for ensuring your stepdaughter had a safe call she could make. This can have a positive effect if you tell your wife, provided she follows through on the no-questions/no-judgments aspect. Your stepdaughter should know you’ve shared.

It demonstrates co-parenting, a marriage with open communication, and lets her know two people are available in her times of need. “Your mom and I talked about last weekend. She’s proud that you thought to call one of us.” I want her to know that she can trust me. You need to figure out if your wife is owed the same respect you’re giving your stepdaughter.

Trueslyforaniceguy −  NAH. I would recommend ensuring your wife is both aware of the agreement and onboard with it. She should know you are available to keep her daughter safe and be ok with not knowing about it to ensure her daughter continues to use you as a safety valve without fear of getting in trouble. You’re a hero, and your wife can be too by supporting you.

shiteinmemooth −  I say YTA. SPECIFICALLY FOR LYING TO AND UNDERMINING YOUR WIFE. No other reason. You’re a great dad for helping her out of the situation she was in, and making it so she could trust you, but you are also undermining your wife’s parenting of her own daughter.

Marriage and especially parenting is about both parents making decisions together. Unilateral decisions are a bad idea. Both of my parents, dad and stepmom, had the same opinion as you. I think maybe you should have a talk with your wife.

All things considered, what you did for your stepdaughter was great and the world needs more parents who are like you. However, I again feel like you have undermined your wife and that’s not cool.

Edit: I feel like I must also say that if your wife is likely to be upset and punish her daughter, you shouldn’t violate your step daughter’s trust but instead encourage her to own up to her actions and tell her mother herself what happened. She doesn’t have to tell her you picked her up, but she can take this as a good time to have a heart to heart with her mom.

I still think you’re a bit of an ass for undermining your wife, but I give you much credit for being able to see past the mistake your step-daughter made with sneaking out and getting drunk and just wanting to know she was okay. That’s wonderful. As a female, this makes me happy to read, that especially as a stepparent you have gained her trust.

At the same time, I would imagine your wife to be quite hurt if she finds out that you made a parenting decision without her. So, all in all, NAH for preventing any blow-up between your wife and her daughter by not saying anything but also YTA for lying to your wife. Edit: I had to correct a word I mistook the definition of, thanks to another user who pointed it out.

Do you think the Reddit user was right to honor the trust-based agreement and keep the incident private, or should they have informed their wife about what happened? How would you handle a situation where a child’s trust conflicts with transparency between partners? Share your thoughts below!