AITA for picking out the peas from my dinner in front of my mum’s boss?

A 20-year-old woman in the UK explains an incident during a dinner hosted by her mother for her colleagues. The woman doesn’t like peas and, instead of eating them, picked them out in front of her mother’s boss. Her mother became upset, saying it was rude and showed a lack of respect for the guests.

The woman acknowledges her mother’s reaction but doesn’t understand why it’s such a big deal, believing it’s just a dinner. She’s now questioning whether her actions were actually inappropriate or if she was being unfairly criticized.

‘ AITA for picking out the peas from my dinner in front of my mum’s boss?’

I’m 20 and I live with my mum 48 in the UK. Mum hosted a mini dinner for some colleagues. Her husband has a big house and a garden where we sat. I don’t like dinners and eating with strangers but I had to sit with them which was a little bit stupid. They made food I don’t like. It had peas in it and I don’t like peas.

My mum knows this but I wasn’t allowed to eat other stuff because it would be making a fuss and there was no time to make other things. I was not allowed to make something myself either. I picked out the peas from my dinner to feed to ducks at the pond close to my step-dad’s house because I know ducks like peas.

They shouldn’t eat bread because that’s bad for them. I put all the peas in a little cup with my spoon. Mum’s boss was sitting opposite of me and asked what I was doing so I told him. He was silent for a while and then said OK. We didn’t talk a lot but sometimes he asked me a question and I answered.

At the end he gave me some more peas that he had removed from his own food. I asked if he also didn’t like peas and he said: ”I do like peas, but I also like ducks, so they can have my peas” which I think was nice of him. He also gave me £5 to buy ice cream for myself when I feed the ducks which was also very nice of him.

We didn’t talk much but I think he was a nice man and I liked him. But when he left he talked to my mum and she came to me and she was angry or upset. She asked me if I spend all dinner picking out peas and I said no. I also ate the pasta bits but there were a lot of peas to pick out.

She asked why I did that in front of everyone because that’s very rude to do during a dinner. It shows you do not like the food and are not interested in the guest. This is exactly what I thought so that’s true. Mum said that she understands that it’s not nice.

But if she says it’s important (like she did before dinner) then it really is important and I should keep that in mind. They were people who deserve respect and who feel ‘put off’ by others touching their food strangely or not engaging with them.

Mum’s boss told her before he left that maybe next time I should eat something else because I didn’t eat much. I’m not a big eater so it’s kind of normal for me but he doesn’t know that of course. But the point is that he said something negative to her that could have been avoided if I didn’t pick the peas out of my food.

I didn’t think about this. I understand that that is not a good thing but my mum was genuinely upset and I think that is a little bit much. It’s just a dinner and he was a nice man. I don’t think he’s angry at her. I was just wondering if I’m not seeing something important here that makes it an AH thing to do. AITA?. Thank you.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

TheMudbloodSlytherin −  NTA. I’m 33 and hate peas, they literally make me gag. I pick them out of my food. Hell, my dad is in his 50s and picks his out, too. I think it’s sweet your moms boss saved his peas for the ducks. If he felt like what you did was rude, he wouldn’t have done the exact same thing.

Dangerous_Beans74 −  NTA, and as a fellow autistic, I absolutely love this. What’s so amusing about it is that as usual with neurotypical people, your mum was so busy worrying about social rules and “propriety” that she missed the important details: she thinks her boss was put off, but **the details of your story say the exact opposite,

that he liked you very much!** I’ve been mentoring other autistic people and parents of autistic kids for a long time. Part of what makes me good at what I do is that I can recognise when people empathise with us and when they don’t. Your mum’s boss clearly found you interesting and relatable.

This was indicated by the fact that he not only took an interest and asked you questions, but that after pondering your responses, **he chose to engage with you further**, by sharing his own peas, explaining that he, too, liked ducks, and wanting to treat you to an ice cream.

Perhaps he has autistic family members of his own and recognised your neurodivergence, or perhaps he just found you pleasant to be around. Either way, he was not put off by you at all.

Further, I suspect that his comment to your mum was not meant as a put-down at all (not even to her) but as a gentle suggestion that **it was not necessary to force you to eat something you didn’t enjoy**, and that he would have been okay with you eating whatever you needed to.

This, too, suggests that he may have someone in his life who is autistic, and be sensitive to food aversions. Her boss sounds like a lovely man; you are absolutely NTA and actually sound like you were very discreet and behaved perfectly reasonably at this dinner party (you should not be expected to behave like a neurotypical person,

only not to disrupt others or engage really rudely with them, which you totally didn’t); and out of everyone it seems only your mother was fussed by any of this, and for no good reason at all, since you really didn’t bother anyone.

DameofDames −  NTA Gosh, your Mom’s boss sounds like a very sweet man. He understood what you were doing and even supported you by giving you his own peas. And I think he was hinting to your Mom that she doesn’t need to try to impress him by making food that she knows you won’t eat, especially if you have to join them at dinner.

But I understand how your Mom can be stressed out by having her colleagues over for dinner. People can be judgemental over the make and placement of napkins (which sounds silly, I know), let alone a dinner guest picking out and setting aside food for later use. (Which really is not the thing to do in polite company.

Best thing would have just set them aside on your plate for disposal and not in a separate container. No, you couldn’t have fed the ducks later then, but polite isn’t logical.)
Your Mom could be looking to increase her status at work (promotion, a raise, exclusive secretary, whatever) and this dinner was a means getting the attention she needs to make this happen.

Of course, she’s going to feel pressure to make it perfect. You both tried your best. It didn’t quite work out as your Mom hoped, but it showed her boss to be a decent man and it sounds like she has a better than average chance of getting what she wants out of it.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. He actually cared enough to 1. Give you his own peas for the ducks and 2. Speak to your mom to make sure you’re okay and comfortable. That generation of parents is super weird about food

PartyySnacks −  NTA. Your Mom knows you don’t like peas, made something with peas, said you couldn’t make something for yourself, and then got mad when you picked the peas out but still ate the rest??? The boss OBVIOUSLY didn’t care that you were “playing” with your food. He just seemed concerned you didn’t eat a lot. The fact that he gave you his peas means he definitely had 0 issue with you picking them out.

PastaM0nster −  I..nfo/ do you have any sort of special needs like autism? I’m trying to understand the story. Edit: NTA. op is autistic and has sensory issues that his mom should understand.

lizabeth24601 −  NAH honestly, you seem adorable, the boss seems kind, the ducks seem hungry, and your mom seems a little nervous.

Jannnnnna −  NAH. It sounds like you have some significant dietary restrictions, and your mom is not an a**hole for making something she thought her colleagues would enjoy and not catering to you for a night. You’re not an a**hole, Under normal circumstances,

it would be rude, sure, but you have legitimate medical stuff you’re managing, and it sounds like you did everything you could The boss is not an a**hole – he sounded kindly and fatherlike. Even if he was confused or put off, which it doesn’t sound like he was at all, that wouldn’t really be on you to manage.

thievingwillow −  Ehhhhhh…. given the circumstances I don’t think I’d say you’re TA, but it sort of depends how obvious you were about it. Quietly eating around them or shunting them to the side of your plate is fine, but if you were making a production out of your search and destroy mission that’s a bit much.