AITA for making my mother cry after telling her what I thought of my stepfather

A Reddit user (28F) shared a long-standing conflict with her stepfather, whom she describes as cold, entitled, and dismissive. While home for the holidays, her mother mentioned that her stepfather hopes to be a grandparent to her future child.

The Redditor snapped, telling her mother that her stepfather will never be considered a grandparent because he’s never made an effort to build a relationship with her. The emotional outburst left her mother in tears and created tension in the household. Now, she’s wondering if she went too far or if her frustrations were justified. Read the original story below for the full details.

‘ AITA for making my mother cry after telling her what I thought of my stepfather’

I (28F) have never liked my stepfather (60 something). They got married when I was already 18. He is the type of privileged guy who looks down on wait staff and thinks refugees should just “work harder” if they want to make it. Typical entitled p**ck. Since the beginning he has never made any effort to get to know me.

Despite that, sometimes he would try and jokingly roast me the way my siblings do to each other. But we do that because we’re close – but he’s seriously never even done as much as ask me how my day went so I don’t know why he’d do that. I am close to my mother so I’m largely civil. Sometimes I roll my eyes in his face though. I hate him.

I live abroad but happened to be home for the holidays this year. I was talking to my mother and she randomly mentioned that her and my stepfather can’t wait to be grandparents. I asked if he had kids I didn’t know about. She looks confused and says “no, the baby you will one day have”. I stared at her for a bit and asked if she was serious.

She said “it’s not that he’s trying to replace your father as grandfather but it would be nice to acknowledge him as a grandfather especially after everything he’s done for us. It’s not easy to marry a single mother of 4.” I should add here that my father is still around and pays for 50% of the expenses for my younger siblings and my mother makes good money so it’s not about money. I’ve never received a dime from the man.

I lost it. I told her if she wants to acknowledge that, it’s fine, but she should get him a best husband card because he has never been anything like a father to me or even a friend. I told her that I’ve been in therapy because of the situation, of them trying to make him my new father, because he hasn’t tried to bond with me at all.

I didn’t understand why he thought it was okay to banter with me even though he was a stranger to me, and it was starting to cut deep that my refusal to accept him as a parent was pushing myself and my mother apart.

I learned in therapy that it was the responsibility of her and my stepfather to try and build a bond, but they didn’t make any effort to start that relationship. Relationships may go both ways but I was the teenager in the situation. A teenager who already had a father and didn’t want another.

I told her I don’t like people who don’t have empathy for refugees and people struggling economically, and he’s never done anything positive to improve my view on him, so over my dead body he will be considered the grandparent of my future child.

I basically blew up because it’s been over ten years of her trying to make me see him as another parent when I have a perfectly good father, and it was difficult for me to see my once close relationship with my mother dwindle as a result.

She cried, my stepfather is avoiding me and it’s kind of awkward. But all my siblings agree with me, with one saying I should have just kept it to myself to keep the peace. But this isn’t the first time I have expressed discomfort about his actions and the “stepparent” relationship being forced on me.

For an example of the roasting I’m talking about, I would be at the dinner table trying to do a wordle or something. He would walk past and out of nowhere say “why are you playing wordle, I thought it was only for people who liked using their brains?” Then he’d laugh and walk off. Like if that was my brother I might laugh but again we are not close.. AITA?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Mean-Ambassador1711 −  NTA your mother cannot force you to see your stepfather as a future grandfather for your children (who by the way you have not had) especially when you have no appreciation for him, and he is also an i**ot for his comments about refugees and his treatment of waiters.

SharpSunnySkies −  You set a boundary. Never be ashamed of letting people know how to treat you. And honestly, you can’t help but not like people who are abrasive and opinionated. The worst people are the ones that think they know everything. They are also the people that secretly fear other people will know how small they are and they capitalize by belittling others. Best of luck @op

2ndBestAtEverything −  NTA I was in the same boat as you. Father remarried about a year after my mother died. His wife is someone that I just do not like as a person and she’s never really made any effort. The shocked Pikachu faces when I informed them that she would not be “Grandma” were hysterical to me.

The assumption was absolutely astounding. A few siblings stupidly volunteered their opinions but that was shut down immediately. They no longer offer their opinions, my father’s wife is simply that and life went on as normal.

mherbert8826 −  His marrying a mother of four doesn’t mean he’s automatically part of the family. Stand your ground . NTA.

pixie-ann −  NTA the example of banter you provided is straight out of high school. It was obnoxious then and is just pathetic in a grown adult trying to bond with anyone at all.

Equal-Brilliant2640 −  I’m betting he thought he was one of those “cool step-dads” that’s more of a friend or older cousin when he would make those comments. And you’ve just told him you think he’s an a**hole

As for your mom, she needed to hear the truth, she must have been very oblivious to not realize you guys only tolerated him. I’m not sure what you can say to your mom other than, I’m sorry I upset you, but it had to be said.

Temporary_Alfalfa686 −  Nta you showed your mom that her shining knight in armor is actually a g**tesque troll. Truths a b**ch.

OmegaPointMG −  NTA. Your mother cried because the truth hurts and she failed.

Srvntgrrl_789 −  NTA. Did your mother even talk to you, or siblings before she married him? He sounds insufferable.  If you were in therapy because of his treatment of you, then your mother failed to protect you and insist he respect you as a person. Your mother now realizes this, and she owes you an apology.  If you have any children, keep them away from him. He’ll gaslight them the way he did you.

PassComprehensive425 −  NTA- The truth hurts. And there’s probably a real good reason that you chose to live in another country than be near your SD. How your mom missed that there was no bond between you and SD for over a decade is amazing.

That was one k**ler delusion mom had created where everything was perfect. SD is cold because mom is asking questions he doesn’t want to answer. He’s been telling her his a**sive behavior was bonding behavior, and now mom knows it was not. And mom is fearing that you may keep any future grandkids away from her, too. The stakes are rising.

Was the Redditor right to express her long-standing frustrations with her mother, or should she have handled it differently to maintain family peace? How would you navigate a strained relationship with a stepparent, especially when it impacts your bond with a parent? Share your thoughts below!