My (32F) husband (33M) said I was being difficult because I didn’t know where a jar was.

A woman (32F) found herself in a frustrating argument with her husband (33M) over something seemingly small — finding a jar of marmalade. While cooking dinner, she asked him to grab the jar, but he struggled to find it and asked for more details.

When she replied, “I don’t know, it’s just a jar,” he accused her of being difficult. Later, he claimed her tone implied he was stupid, while she felt frustrated that he couldn’t handle one simple task. After storming off, he texted her to “agree to disagree,” but she’s left feeling unresolved and unsure of how to move forward. Read the full story below.

‘ My (32F) husband (33M) said I was being difficult because I didn’t know where a jar was.’

I (32F) was making dinner the other night. I had prepped everything when my husband (33M) asked if I needed anything. I asked him to grab me the jar of marmalade from the cabinet.

(This is a small cabinet above the counter with only 3 shelves, so not a large space to look) As I’m trying to prep the chicken he begins asking me what shelf it’s on and what does it look like. I tell him “I didn’t know (name), it’s just a jar”. Which he responds by saying “why do you have to be difficult?”. I find the old jar from the fridge and show it to him and he finally finds the jar.

I finish cooking dinner and am upset because I didn’t like being called difficult and didn’t feel like I was being difficult asking him to independently find a jar when I was doing everything else to make dinner for our family.

When we talked about it later he said it was the tibe of voice I used implying that he was stupid when I could have just told him where the jar was. I said that I did all the prep work and made dinner and asked him to find one thing and it frustrated me that he couldn’t do the one task I asked him.

I didn’t know where specifically the jar was so what did he want me to say? I also argued that me saying “I dont know, it’s just a jar” and him calling me difficult were not the same.

He stormed out mid argument and texted “I’m sorry for storming off, but that conversation was going in circles. We both think the other was out of line and we’ll just agree to disagree.” I don’t think we should just agree to disagree. What to do?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

MckittenMan −  I got to take your side on this one. That would be annoying: * Can you get the mustard out of the fridge?. * Uhhh what shelf is it on?. * I don’t know, look for it.. * What does it look like?. * Its mustard. A yellow bottle.. * Can you come show me? * Oh FFS. I will just grab it myself.

I wouldn’t drop it because the problem is just going to continue to exist.. You can go: I want to talk about what happened during that moment. Yes, I was annoyed and used a tone. You saw how busy I was juggling everything. I appreciate you asking if I needed a hand with anything.

I asked you to get a jar for me. Which resulted in you being faced with a problem. And you dumped that problem on me to solve when I want you to solve things on your own. It’s a small cabinet. I told you it was a jar of marmalade, that should have been enough of a description for you to look for it.

If you want to help me out, I would like for you to do me the **full favor** of finding it yourself. Otherwise if I needed to point it out to you, what was the point of asking me in the first place? This was something you could have done yourself if you actually put in more effort looking for it instead of half assing it.

That’s why I was annoyed. Next time, please go the full mile and take it upon yourself to handle all of the responsibility instead of looking at me to help you out with a simple task you could have easily accomplished yourself.

CrystalQueen3000 −  This is an example of weaponised incompetence, he had on tiny task in a sea of tasks that you were doing and he still “needed” your assistance I completely understand why you’re frustrated

LucyDominique2 −  Ask him if he is that clueless at work…

HatsAndTopcoats −  Would I be correct in guessing that it’s not unusual for him to get mad and blame you for things that don’t make sense to you?

Ruthless_Bunny −  Show him [this comic, Why Didn’t You Ask?](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)

FartMasterChamp −  More weaponised incompetence. I’m willing to bet he doesn’t pull his weight in the household and does this a lot.

NotSoMuch_IntoThis −  Of course he would suggest you agree to disagree, he was the one in the wrong! He can’t expect you to handle the entire mental workload, it’s a jar, he has eyes and can read, why does he need your help to find it?

sosotrickster −  Why couldn’t he just look for a little longer? My dad does this all the time. Either I or my mom tell him there’s whatever he needs in the fridge, he opens it, barely looks around, and immediately asks where it is. He does this with anything ever.

It usually ends with us having to show him where it is, after he insisted it’s not there. At one point… yeah… the tone gets snappy. This, for sure, was not the first time your husband acted like you’re supposed to know exactly where something is even though you asked him to look for it.

JenninMiami −  Another case of weaponized incompetence used to make a dude a victim. lol 😂

kellyvcombs −  INFO: Do you do most of the domestic labor or is it pretty equal? If you do most or all of the domestic labor, it sounds like the issue is that you’re (rightfully) frustrated that he doesn’t know where anything is in the home he also occupies. If he doesn’t want to feel stupid, the solution is stepping up so that he can find a jar on his own.

If the domestic labor is pretty equal, my follow-up question would be whether little bickering arguments break out like this a lot. The way you and your partner talk to each other is usually a symptom of how the relationship is in general and if you’re sniping at each other over tiny things, there’s probably an underlying issue to address.

You both feel aggrieved by how the other person is talking to you (him by your tone, you by the word he used) and if you don’t want to agree to disagree, you need to pivot and at least try to see his perspective as he should try to see yours. Something in your dynamic clearly needs to change, it just depends on what the real catalyst for this argument is because it’s not a jar.

This story highlights how small misunderstandings can escalate into bigger issues in relationships. Do you think her husband was overreacting, or could she have handled the situation differently? What’s your advice for resolving conflicts over minor frustrations? Share your thoughts below!