My husband [28M] can’t seem to adjust to being employed and it’s giving me [30F] the ick and impacting my mental health

A 30-year-old woman is struggling with her husband’s negative attitude toward work, which has persisted despite him getting his first job in his mid-20s. Due to a traumatic past and disability, Mitch has had a hard time adjusting to the demands of employment, and his ongoing complaints about work are starting to affect his wife’s mental health and attraction toward him.

She’s tried several strategies to support him but feels increasingly drained by his mood. She’s seeking advice on how to address the issue without causing further strain in their relationship. Read the full story below.

‘ My husband [28M] can’t seem to adjust to being employed and it’s giving me [30F] the ick and impacting my mental health’

My husband (Mitch) has not had the easiest life, to say the least. When he was 11, he was in a random accident (not his fault) that put him in and out of the hospital for nearly a year, and left him significantly physically disabled from there on out. I won’t go into specifics because they could be identifying for us, but basically he had to totally relearn to do a lot of things, and he’ll have lasting impacts for the rest of his life.

He finished highschool as a top student and stayed at home for a few years before going away to college, and his income during those early adult years came from disability benefits because there weren’t any typical “college/highschool student” jobs that would’ve been accessible for him.

We met when he was a senior in college, and he got his first job about 6 months after graduating (he was 25 at the time, I was 27). He could have stayed on disability, but decided to work instead because disability benefits in our country are basically poverty-level wages. He’s a fantastic artist and did commissions occasionally for spending money while living with his parents, but it still wouldn’t have been enough to get by on his own.

In contrast, I’ve been very lucky. I started working summer jobs when I was 14, went to college right out of highschool, and spent most of my 20’s working in an extremely demanding but well-paying field. However, two years ago I ended up having to take a leave of absence due to severe burnout from the stress and schedule of my job.

I did some soul-searching and, with Mitch’s encouragement, decided to leave that career and pursue another field that is much less stressful for me, but also pays far less. I was initially happy with the decision, but now I’m not so sure I made the right choice.

Basically, while Mitch is normally pretty emotionally mature in other contexts, his attitude toward work reminds me of a petulant teenager. I’ve tried to be patient and remind myself that I’ve had over 15 years to adjust to the realities of working life while he’s only had 3 years, but it’s not getting any better and it’s really starting to impact how I feel toward him and my life choices in general.

I don’t need him to be super career-driven or anything; I married him knowing that just isn’t who he is, and that his art would always be his main passion. And I don’t expect him to exactly be overjoyed at the idea of trading half his waking hours for money for the rest of his adult life because, hey, who doesn’t wish they could just do whatever they want all the time and not have to worry about it? I just wish he could…grow up a little, for lack of a better way to phrase it.

I’ve started to dread being around him during the work week, because I’m not exaggerating when I say that he’s in a constant bad mood. We all complain about work sometimes, and a normal amount wouldn’t bother me, but this is truly above and beyond.

Endless reiteration of the same complaints about how much he hates having a job, heaving dramatic sighs constantly, sulking and pouting and irritable, always finding any possible way to turn any topic into a comment about how working is ruining his life. Most of Sunday is also spent in a funk bemoaning how horrible it is that he has to go in the next day.

Sometimes it seriously feels like he thinks the entire concept of having a job was invented just specifically to make him miserable in particular. It truly makes my skin crawl, because at times he sounds like a sullen teenager instead of a nearly-30-year-old man, and it’s seriously impacting my attraction to him.

I’ve tried every productive approach I can think of. At first I thought maybe it was just that specific workplace that sucked (the first job in a new field always does, right?), so I helped him find and apply for a better one. That worked for about three weeks and then it was right back to the nonstop sour mood. I encouraged and supported him when he decided to drop down to part-time…

and again, he was doing better for a couple weeks and then it was right back to the same old thing, only now with added complaining about how he’s making less money. I’ve started just paying for certain things we need out of my own account instead of our joint one and not telling him, just because I’d rather do that than hear another rant about how much it depresses him to know that thing cost X amount compared to his last paycheck and how unfair it all is.

At this point I’m at my wits end and have even offered to just go back to my old career so I’d be making enough money for him to quit working entirely. He refused, saying he wouldn’t be comfortable with that because he doesn’t want anyone judging him for being lazy or scrutinizing how he spends his money.

Fair enough, I probably WOULD be resentful of a partner who doesn’t work…but would I really resent that more than I’m already resenting the current situation? Part of me almost wants to just do it anyway because sometimes it’s truly tempting to be at work doing crazy overtime but making lots of money, instead of at home listening to a grown man pout and sulk about the same thing every day. It’s like nails on a chalkboard and it drains my emotional energy completely.

One final important thing to note is that Mitch is already in therapy, but that’s focused on addressing his PTSD related to the accident that caused his disability. So while I do think talking with someone about this could potentially help, I don’t think that can be the priority for a while.

With all this in mind, is there any way I can approach this topic with him that might actually get through without just torpedoing our relationship? I’m worried he’ll just decide to bottle everything up instead if he thinks he’s complaining too much, so I’m really hoping someone can advise a more productive way for me to talk to him about the root issue.

tl;dr due to disability, husband didn’t get his first job until his mid-20’s. He still isn’t adjusting to the realities of having to work, even after several years, and his constant angst over it is impacting my ability to feel close and attracted to him. How can I talk to him about this without him having a meltdown or flipping a 180 and just bottling stuff up?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

railph −  At some point you have to put your foot down and tell him to either come up with a solution or stop complaining. Nothing worse than people who complain endlessly and do nothing to improve their situation.

I could not live with a man who was constantly bringing down the mood to the point where I dreaded being around him. I know ultimatums aren’t sexy, but you’re headed in that direction.

ShelfLifeInc −  it takes everything in my power not to snap, “for the love of god, neither do I! Neither does anybody! Do you think everybody else does this because they just WANT to? You are not special or unique for not enjoying having to work, it sucks for all the rest of us too. I think you NEED to say this to him.

I went through something similar with my last boyfriend (before I met my husband). We met in our early-twenties when he was a creative and did lots of odd jobs (some related to his field, some not) to get by. He was dirt-poor, which I didn’t mind at the time because we both got by. But over the years, being dirt-poor lost it’s charm and he started shifting away from inconsistent, low-paying casual work to more consistent, more regular “ordinary” work.”

And my God, how he whinged. He whinged because he had too many shifts and not enough free time. He whinged because he had too *few* shifts and not enough money. One day he said, “I just wish I could spend my time doing the things that make me most happy and fulfilled, and be paid a living wage for it,” and all I wanted to do was yell “DOESN’T EVERYONE?”

(There’s a kind of artist (I’ve met many of them) that resent that they are not paid a living wage to just create *their* brand of art at *their* leisure. They’re resentful that the world doesn’t appreciate the kind of art they make and pay them hansomely for it.

The thing is, I’ve met artists that DO make a living from their art, and they’re all either very poor and stressed from constantly chasing the next assignment/paycheck, or they’re frustrated because they’re constantly shifting their art to meet the demands of their audience.

VERY few people in this world make art that is both emotionally and spiritually fulfilling AND the kind of art people want to pay for. Any artist who has total control and freedom to make whatever art they want at their own pace without money-stress is living off a trust fund or a wealthy spouse/family member.

Then there was that time a friend promoted their patreon on facebook, asking for people to please help them live their dream of making their own very niche, very weird art that no one really liked. Another friend said to me in private, “it’s a bit weird that their business model for being free from the corporate r**-race is to rely on donations from people who work corporate jobs.”. Anyway, rant over.)

You need to sit your husband down and tell him that him treating work as some kind of burden or curse is dragging both him AND you down. Because the issue is all in his attitude. Sure, no one LIKES to work, but being unemployed ain’t great either.

As someone who’s been both (and who spent a LOT of time doing nothing this year), there’s a lot of good that can come from work: you get a sense of accomplishment, even if it’s something minor. You get the stimuli of socialising with people; you don’t have to *like* people to get the benefit of having some some conversations and interactions. You get development. And if nothing else, you get paid.

By only focusing on the negatives, your husband is blinding himself to the positives that come from work. He really needs to talk to his therapist about adjusting his attitude to life in general, because focusing on how miserable work is making him is just making it his entire reality.

If he looks at work as just a net-neutral something to do with his days and focuses on the positives that come from it (“I’m going to treat myself to a nice lunch today.” “I’m getting closer to my saving goal for that thing I really want,”), he will feel so much better about life overall.

And if he doesn’t do it for himself, he has to do it for you. Because seeing my ex sulk and whine and m**e about how *hard* it was to have to work (you know, that thing that every independent adult on earth has had to do throughout the history of time) really accelerated my ick with him and was one of the many things I broke up with him over.

msbunbury −  I think he does in fact need to prioritise this stuff in therapy. I understand that the PTSD stuff is important but it’s been seventeen years since the accident, he needs to be able to make space for other more immediate concerns.

kellyfromfig −  I don’t think it’s your job to control how he reacts to your concerns. Sure, you can say nicely that if he doesn’t stop complaining you’re going to get the ick. You could say it meanly…but either way it needs to be said, and how he reacts if you say it with love isn’t in your control. You could offer a 10 minute complaint session when he gets home, but other than that he might need to work through his unhappiness with a therapist.

FuckStummies −  Maybe start by sitting him down and telling him everything you just told all of us. You’re already growing resentful so unless you can have an honest conversation about your feelings and the realities of life then you’re going to end up divorced. It would be interesting to know what he’s like to work with if he’s like this around you the rest of the time. Best of luck.

gaelen33 −  With all this in mind, is there any way I can approach this topic with him that might actually get through without just torpedoing our relationship? I’m worried he’ll just decide to bottle everything up instead if he thinks he’s complaining too much, so I’m really hoping someone can advise a more productive way for me to talk to him about the root issue.

This is worrisome, and I’m guessing it’s based on past experience? Does he always respond poorly to criticism? If you can’t say, “babe, I love you but you need to stop complaining, it’s getting on my nerves”, without torpedo-ing the relationship, that’s a very serious problem. And not on your end, I’m guessing.

I had an ex like that who would get angry and yell and punch holes in the wall, or start crying and saying how horrible he was, anytime I expressed anything negative, even in the most loving way.

Excessive reactions make people stop saying negative things for fear of upsetting you, but they’re so incredibly unhealthy and cannot be catered to for the person’s own good. I know he’s in therapy and that’s great, but sounds like maybe couples counseling would be helpful here, too. Sorry you have to deal with this :/

your_worries −  Does he… complain to anyone else? There may be an element of him not having healthy releases or coping mechanisms. I have really noticed not socialising or leaving the house leads to horribly complainy relatives – possibly because the only socialising they do is with their partner or online. As the partner you end up as the only real physical outlet for anger even if it’s moderated or justified.

Had you noticed him complaining about things that weren’t work before? Is it that because it also sucks for you your patience is thin? Do you feel invalidated? I find part my impatience for complaints is that it’s all based out of anger, and anger is supposed to be used to drive change. But if it doesn’t drive change, you end up just being a target. If it’s about things that you ALSO experience, it can also make you feel invalidated and leaves little space for your feelings.

The content of these complaints isn’t relevant imo. Finding the source will find you ways of dealing with it. If it’s about loss of control or not dedicating enough time to the things he needs – there’s ways to manage that. If it’s about being tired… there’s ways of managing that. Hell, if it’s about having a boss and being told what to do – there are ways of managing that.

But what ALSO isn’t clear here is why this is upsetting you. Not that it isn’t reasonable to be upset by it, but calling it the ick just terminates any sense of exploring a solution. Do you resent that he compains because you feel invalidated? Do you think he shouldn’t BE upset? Do you feel the same way he does?

Would you feel better if you said so and complained like him? And probably the hardest one to ask yourself but the easiest to answer – is this about material wealth? Will you be angry if you never hit your “goal”? For this last one – is your goal and his goal the same? Would you resent him if it isn’t?

Honestly I think an approach of “just s**k it up” sucks for both him AND you. You honestly should be upset by how work treats workers and how little control work gives us in our lives. What people do with that anger and why is the problem.

I think if it’s just about not wanting to be the ventee, you’ve got some very simple steps to solving this. It’s just a conversation about not wanting to be the target of his negative feelings;

when someone only COMPLAINS to you or only complains to YOU, it can feel like they feel you’re responsible or even that their upset at their situation is more valuable to them than you as a person. That’s just bad emotional intelligence – which is rectifiable. But… if it’s deeper than that, I think it’s a lot harder.

EDIT: Forgot to say – is he still dealing with disability? Not an excuse, but an explanation that may provide steps forward is that… what if actually does have it harder? It’s not about comparing labour because all labour sucks, but disability creates invisible barriers. It sucks because it doesn’t fix anything but if it pulls back the pressure you put on yourself to fix something that you might not be able to fix…

dcmng −  I’m in a bad mood just reading this. I don’t know how you refrain from m**der being around him.

powertoolsarefun −  I’m pretty severely disabled for work purposes (although I manage to live a fairly full life – I have difficulty sitting in a typical office chair or standing for long periods of time). I can sit in a semi reclined position and work from an adjustable bed.

I spent 7 years in an absolutely terrible job because it was fully remote (pre-covid) and that was really unusual. This sounds terrible, but COVID opened a LOT of doors for me, since remote work became more normal, and I was able to get out of that job.

I know you already helped him find a different job, but maybe another switch would help. Finding a positive environment can be really difficult especially when you have very limited options. And it can make you feel very trapped.

But also, you need to tell him how much of a downer he is being, and how it is impacting you. Tell him very directly. Tell him to bring it up in therapy. And tell him that it isn’t something you can deal with long term. If you try to be tactful and aren’t direct, he may not be aware of how much it is impacting you. And may not have the appropriate motivation to remedy the issue.

holliday_doc_1995 −  Your husband is depressed and this has nothing to do with working. He will find something to moan about no matter what. You are looking for solutions and you need to step back and see that you have already given him several solutions and they have done nothing. It’s because the problem is your husband and not his situation.

I once dated someone who also had their own tragic thing happen years prior and it clearly impacted their life. That person had a whole host of issues and it seemed like those issues all stemmed from his tragic event so I gave him a ton of grace. It took me forever to finally realize that many of his issues were actually not related. His bad attitude, mental health issues, and general laziness were part of who his is and probably even predated his tragic experience.

It took me even longer to realize that I couldn’t fix his issues. I kept trying to change things in our life to make him feel better and nothing worked. At the end of the day, he was unhappy inside himself and there was nothing that I could change or do to fix that.

Managing expectations in a relationship can be tough, especially when life circumstances change. How do you navigate supporting a partner through difficult adjustments without letting it impact your own well-being? Share your experiences and advice below!