My 21F boyfriend 24M is living in absolute filth and doesn’t react when I confront him about it. What should I do?

A 21-year-old woman is struggling with her boyfriend’s cleanliness habits. He moved out of his parents’ house a few months ago, but his apartment has become increasingly dirty. She confronted him about it, offering to help, but he refused, leading to a fight. She’s now questioning whether this behavior can change or if it’s a dealbreaker for their relationship. Read the full story below.

‘ My 21F boyfriend 24M is living in absolute filth and doesn’t react when I confront him about it. What should I do?’

So my boyfriend moved out from his parents house around 3 months ago. His place got really dirty really fast and I started avoiding coming over. We’ve been together for 2 years and the relationship is otherwise good, he’s not a bad person he just has bad habits.

For reference, I’m a very clean person.While I don’t have money to move out of my parents house yet I keep my room clean and tidy and help my mom clean around the house frequently.I study and work and still manage to have time to keep my space clean. While I understand that someone’s apartment can get messy sometimes I think there’s no excuse to letting your apartment get that dirty.

He on the other hand works a part time job and gets money from his parents. He doesn’t mind

– having trash lying across his whole apartment,

– everything smells like cigarettes which make me dry heave

-dust and cat hair on every surface,

-he never changes his bedsheets so I don’t sleep over at his place anymore

-walking around the carpet in his shoes so now the carpet is dirty,

-kitchen is covered in dark burnt stains from god knows what and the kitchen sink is always full of dirty dishes that he doesn’t wash unless he needs something and then he washes a singular dish that he wants to use

-numerous trash bags that he’s too lazy to throw away

– bathroom is absolutely filthy, he doesn’t clean up his hair after shaving so now the whole sink is covered in sticky hair and also the floor on the both sides of the sink , toilet is starting to get those yellow stains, the shower doors are starting to grow mold and there’s stains on the shower floor.

Honestly I’m sorry for naming every single dirty thing here but I need to get it out of my system. I told him numerous times that he should clean his apartment and he said that cleaning supplies are expensive and that he doesn’t mind the mess. I don’t know how none of his friends tell him anything about how dirty his place is.

I asked him if he knew how to clean and offered to buy the supplies and show him ONCE how to keep his apartment clean. He refused and told me that if I mind the mess I should clean it myself. Which I refused because If I clean it once he’ll expect it every time.

Obviously that started a fight between us and he tried to put me down for telling him that cleaning after himself is a normal thing to do and he told me that only I care about how his apartment looks and that none of his friends do and that I’m super shallow for it. Then I just went home because I didn’t know what to do and now he’s acting like nothing happened.

I don’t know how to react to this and any advice is helpful. Is this something that can be fixed or is my only resort to break up with him because I don’t want to be his maid when we move in together?

TL;DR My boyfriend lives in filth and he refuses clean his apartment. We argued about it and now I don’t know if his habits can change or I should just leave?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Elfich47 −  You break up with him. “You might not mind the mess, but it makes me dry heave.“

DoreyCat −  The bar is in hell I swear to god Honestly are you afraid of being single or something? Reading this made me gag. Please don’t accidentally marry this guy because you feel too bad to get yourself out of the situation.

Rounders_in_knickers −  It’s not even about being his maid in the future when you move in together, though that is indeed a completely unacceptable fate for you. The person you are dating here and now is not a fully functioning adult. He is gross. He is lazy. He thinks he is entitled to some kind of magic cleaning fairy, maybe.

He doesn’t care about making his living space into a place where someone he loves can be comfortable and welcome. He probably sucks at a lot of other things too, because there is a chip missing here. You deserve a lot more. Just let him know that you only date adults and then go find one.

Wwwweeeeeeee −  RUN. He won’t change, he doesn’t care, you can’t fix him and it will never get any better. If this is how you imagined life with the man of your dreams, stick around.

1389t1389 −  He’s a grown adult, three years older than you, who refuses to clean his own space and made you feel bad for having the audacity to suggest this level of filth wasn’t normal. He’s been with you for two years, you didn’t change him or make him respect you enough to keep his space even remotely livable for you.

This is who he is, and at least you’re seeing it now and not even later. There are plenty of people who will do basic cleaning and are good people out there. The way you were dismissed isn’t nice and he isn’t a nice person either if that’s how he’s reacting.

CarolineLeanne −  Girl, you’re dating a raccoon in human form. If he’s already refusing to clean after himself and g**lighting you by calling you ‘shallow,’ imagine how bad it’ll be if you ever move in together. It’s not about being messy once in a while; it’s about basic hygiene and self-respect.

The ‘clean it yourself’ comment? 🚩🚩🚩. You’re his girlfriend, not his unpaid cleaning service. If he doesn’t care enough to make changes after you’ve already explained how much this bothers you, it might be time to Marie Kondo the relationship—if it doesn’t spark joy, let it go.

strog91 −  I’d break up with him just for smoking cigarettes indoors while owning a cat. That’s cruel.

TCTX73 −  Cleaning supplies are expensive? Vinegar, dish soap and baking soda are cheap and effective. Sponges and rags can be found at the dollar store, or use old (clean) socks/t-shirts. Do NOT clean for him. It’s what he wants. I’m guessing mom cleaned up after him at home, so he’s trying to set that expectation of you. He needs to learn how to take care of himself and his home like a fully formed adult.

BlazingSunflowerland −  This is who he is. If you were to live with him all the expense of cleaning supplies would be on you and all of the work of cleaning would be on you. I’d d**p him as unacceptably filthy.

ConfusedAt63 −  Might as well go ahead and break up. He is not ready, he has not matured into an adult yet. You should never stay in a relationship with someone that can’t take care of themself or their living space. You are right, if you do it for him he will expect it. Does he keep himself as dirty as the pace he lives in, yuck! ? !

He works part time and cannot keep his place clean, he needs to go back home and let his mother teach him what she should have already. His mother failed miserably in my eyes if she didn’t teach him how to keep his living space clean.

Living habits can definitely be a make-or-break issue in a relationship. Have you ever faced a similar situation where a partner’s habits became a problem? How did you handle it? Share your thoughts below!