Life is a mess, why do I now feel an urge to distance myself from rich friends?

A 26-year-old woman reflects on her growing distance from her friends, who have become successful and financially stable while she’s facing mental health struggles and potential homelessness. She feels the disparity between their lives and hers, and while she’s proud of them, it’s causing her emotional distress. She’s unsure whether her desire to distance herself is irrational or normal given her current struggles. Read the full story below.

‘ Life is a mess, why do I now feel an urge to distance myself from rich friends?’

We’re all 26F. Just wanna preface this by saying I know this thought is irrational but I want to make some sense of it. My friends are great people. We met at school and since then they’ve started their careers and can now afford to buy their own houses and go on expensive vacations and generally live quite luxurious lives.

I was very much on track to do the same until a severe mental health issue upended everything after graduating. Right now I have no career and may be homeless soon. When we meet up we have fun but it also reminds me that we are worlds apart.

It’s like we all started on the same level (I’m pretty sure I was always the poorest but the difference wasn’t as stark in school) and now they are people I don’t really recognise. I’m endlessly proud of them but the things they discuss just don’t relate to my life in any way shape or form.

And honestly the more I hear about it the more it sends me into despair when I then reflect on how dire my current life situation is. They like to go to fancy restaurants and I’ve told them I can’t really afford to do that regularly. They’ll listen but then after a while it’s like they’ll forget again and I feel silly bringing it up.

Ever since this news about potential homelessness I’ve been feeling really low. Like just wondering how things managed to get worse than they already were. Never felt so distant from my friends and their reality. I also don’t have any ‘broke’ friends at all so I feel very much alone in that sense.

I have this intense urge to really focus on sorting this mess out, find a proper job etc. and just not see them for a while. Realistically I know I probably will still see them and deep down of course I want to, they’re my friends. And it also wouldn’t be at all fair on them, because this is very much a ME problem. But why do I feel like I just can’t handle being around them right now? Does it make me a bad person?

TLDR: Friends have become rich while my life situation seems to have only gotten worse and worse. Part of me doesn’t want to be around them anymore so I can focus on fixing this mess. Is this normal?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

tsukiii −  It sounds like you already know why? Because your life situations are very different and you’re in a bad place. Have you tried asking for help? A room or sofa to sleep on?

evo-dokuz −  It is just normal. When you don’t feel like you belong to that environment, your ego distances you from them as a defense mechanism. This kind of thing happens all the time. Assuming that your friends are aware of the situation you are in, their approach to you also becomes important.

xolana_ −  You’re not a bad person. I grew up poor in a rich area so Ik how it is. Motivational but isolating. Work on yourself before everything but if you stay friends with them you can find a job easier through connections etc.

peachism −  The most responsible thing you could do is focus on yourself and iron things out. You may feel differently after that and I also think they should be more than understanding if you say your reason is to fix your life.

There’s a huge difference between being almost homeless & having friends who can afford to buy homes! I’m fairly comfortable financially and I still am worlds away from owning a home. So that just sounds crazy to me. I have similar feelings around my wealthy friends or acquaintances.

Legitimate_Spring −  Can they help connect you to a job in some way? Recommend you to HR for an entry level thing wherever they work? In theory that’s the thing rich friends are best for.

substantial-staniel −  First of all, I’m so sorry that you were set back by your mental health. I can relate to feeling stunted by a hard upbringing and being unable to finish school due to mental illness. Sending you hugs. It’s completely normal for you to want to distance yourself from your friends because of how different your lives are right now.

However, one thing I’ve really had to lean into recently is asking for help. If these are genuine friends that love and care about you, they WANT to help you. Have you let them in on your struggles? You describe them as great people so I’m willing to bet they will do what they can to help you avoid homelessness. It’s not fair what happened to you and you are allowed to ask for and receive help from your friends.

January_Blues7 −  It seems that you feel disconnected from your friends because you experienced something that changed you and they didn’t so it’s causing disconnection. It also doesn’t sound like they’re the most supportive people from the way this post reads. I’m a broke 28 year old college student feel free to message me 😂

lolmzi −  There is nothing wrong with saying you need a bit of space. It might also be good to take a break from comparing yourself and work on just improving your situation bit by bit.

I didn’t grow up around rich people necessarily, but my friends’ families bought prior to the housing market growing 800%. I grew up moving every couple years as my family faced rising rentals. You kinda have to realize people grow up in different situations. Some may have more family help than others and don’t have as much to rely on when things go south.

TarTarIcing −  Sure you can pull back but have you tried asking for help? If they’re truly your friends they’d understand you

sinisterpancake −  It is hard. I’m doing decent but my sister who partied all through hs/college easily married a dude who makes 1M+ per year. Meanwhile I worked my ass off at jobs in my field doing grunt work through hs and college.

Took hard engineering classes and broke my mind and body to succeed making tons of sacrifices and doing nothing fun or rewarding for 10+ years and I am no where near her lifestyle. Never even had time to get a girlfriend and am lonely now.

She’s never paid a utility bill in her life, it was parents – paid college housing – boyfriends/husband. She works occasionally because she wants to (get out of the house) and now has two kids which are extremely hard for her to deal with.

She even had to get therapy because of it and she has every easy out available (daycares, nannys, dulas, maids, chefs, doctors, both parents watch the kids at least once a week, every toy possible, early education, sports, orders all supplies and food delivered to the door, etc) its insane. My niece and nephew don’t have any extra issues or anything either, just normal kids.

They just built a several million dollar home and moved out of their 650K home and my BIL just floated both payments for a while because they wanted to take their time moving. Its extremely hard for me to engage with her and I usually don’t.

My anxiety gets extremely bad when I go over there and I feel so out of place and worthless as all my hard work didn’t get me where I thought it would and here I am sad all of the time, chronic health issues, brain health issues, all alone, and have to be compared to that.

So I know exactly where you are coming from and no I don’t think you are a bad person at all. Its natural and everyone needs support and you can’t get the proper support from people who don’t have or experienced the same problems as you, as they wont understand and usually will not want to come “down” to your level. Like hanging out at someones house vs going to an expensive restaurant/bar, since its not as fun. This is just part of growing up and growing apart I feel.

It can be tough to balance personal struggles with the realities of friendships, especially when it feels like you’re growing apart. Have you ever experienced something similar with friends’ changing circumstances? How did you handle it? Share your thoughts below!