Feeling drained by being a caretaker for my bf for over 2 years, how long is too long?

A 25-year-old woman has been supporting her boyfriend of four years through his recovery from back surgery. Initially agreeing to help for 9 months, she’s now been a caretaker for over 2 years. Despite being medically cleared to return to normal activities, he hasn’t secured a job and refuses side gigs.

She’s exhausted from working multiple jobs to cover bills while her health deteriorates. After being dismissed during her own health scare, she’s questioning how much longer she should wait for him to step up. Read the full story below.

‘ Feeling drained by being a caretaker for my bf for over 2 years, how long is too long?’

My (25f) boyfriend (25m) and I have been dating for going on 4 years, 3 loving together, and two of those years have been spent taking care of him while he recovers from back surgery. That being said, the recovery time was estimated to be about 9 months, which I had initially agreed to, but has now became about 2 years.

There’s more context as to what’s been going on in these 2 years on a previous post I made if you’d like more info, but essentially my body isn’t functioning correctly anymore due to stress and lack of nutrition and despite having the time to recover and find a job to help support us both,

I’ve been having to work at my minimum wage job alone to support us as well as work on Rover and a *very small* side business just to make sure the bills are paid and we have food on the table. He says he applies to jobs everyday, but at this point I’m finding it hard to believe that he hasnt found a single position.

Part of it I believe is that he has some sort of illusion of grandeur, and has explicitly stated to me that he won’t do dogsitting apps/any side hustle apps because “we need more than $60 so he might as well find something better” but… it’s been two years. He was cleared 9 months after his surgery to go back to a regular routine.

All of my savings are diminished, and I don’t even know if we would be able to have money to get an apartment when our lease is up in May. I’m completely freaking out, as I’ll have to move states to be able to even have a house to live in once the lease is up, and he’s been informed that he’s not allowed to stay there with me if that ends up happening.

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, I know back surgery isn’t a small deal at all and I feel like an ass for ever asking him any work details/updates on the search because he gets angry and talks about how stressed he is,

but I don’t think he realizes that he doesn’t actually have any responsibilities at all as he hasn’t paid a bill in those 2 years, doesn’t really cook or clean, and when I had a major health scare a couple weeks ago he more or less dismissed my organ failure with a comment on how it sucked but his back also hurt a lot that week.

I’m at the point where I don’t know if I should even give him more time. I’ve tried really hard to be a good partner for the last two years, but when it’s his turn to step up to the plate he just won’t. I don’t know. How long do I continue this and hope and pray he finds a job? For the full rest of the lease? Is two years not long enough and I’m just being insensitive? Do I cut my losses and just move on??

tldr; bf has been unemployed for 2+ years after back surgery despite being cleared for over a year, and I don’t think I have the mental fortitude to maintain this. Do I keep going, or am I being insensitive for wanting support?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

John_Hunyadi −  Sounds like he was cleared 1.25 years ago, and he got used to being a lazy ass. Give him no more time. He’s drained your wallet and energy enough. Good luck.

MundaneAd8695 −  He’s taking advantage of you.

caesarea −  No, get out. He’s fine like this, coasting along, and you are not.

flofloflomingle −  Girl cut your losses and move on. My dad in his 50s had back surgery because of an injury at work. He was out of his carpentry job for 7 months or so. He hated staying at home and would complain. Once he was cleared to, he started walking their dogs, he did the exercises. During his time at home he took new hobbies and would cook and clean since my mom was still working.

Also, there was a time my dad would make pennies delivering flowers or installing signs because he had our family to support. $60 is $60 and can help. Your bf is more than half the age of my dad. I don’t want to diminish injuries, but he did that to your illness. He’s a b** and move on.

ennmac −  This is too long. He’s completely taking advantage of you and would never, ever do for you what you have for him. I can’t tell you to d**p him, but I would d**p him.

bootycuddles −  You do not have a partner. You have a leech. Do with that information what you will, but it does not sound as though he is contributing to the relationship, but it sounds like he is more than capable.

weedils −  Im sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your boyfriend has gotten very comfortable with not doing anything, and everytime you try to get him to make a change, he punishes you by becoming angry and defensive, which means he is manipulating you into more enabling behaviour.

I know its hard to be firm and truly put your foot down, but you have to. Its the only way he will change, if he will, that is. Tell him you will not be paying for him anymore, you really should not ever had payed for every expense the past 2 years. He needs to find a job, take on half the domestic labour, or you are separating. Also stop doing any kind of domestic chores for him. Do not wash his laundry, get separate groceries, start to only cook for yourself and let him fend for himself.

SongGardenWolf −  How much do you want to bet he finds a job right away if you kick him out? It’s amazing how fast it happens when they’re forced to. Start taking care of you now, OP. It’s time. His doctor’s cleared him for normal routine ages ago. If you’re looking for permission to move on: do it!

Bean_bobbler −  I wouldn’t consider staying at this point it’s like you’re a parent and he’s the child. Even if he got a part-time job to rest but also help contribute to bills that would be better than him sat doing nothing. With him not even attempting any side hustles, I honestly think he’s just lazy. Give him a final warning/ultimatum, he contributes or you leave. You’re losing your life to a lazy partner.

gingerlorax −  Please end things. Your bf is taking advantage of you, doesn’t care for you, and you need to put yourself first now.

It’s tough to support a loved one through hardship, but when does caretaking cross the line into self-sacrifice? How do you balance compassion with personal boundaries in a relationship? Have you ever felt drained by a one-sided dynamic? Share your thoughts below!