I [33 F] feel o**rwhelmed by the standards set by my husband [34 M] for “domestic” duties

A woman (33F) feels overwhelmed by the growing list of domestic responsibilities her husband (34M) expects her to handle. Despite both working demanding jobs, he doesn’t contribute to household chores, cooking, or the care of their two dogs.

She’s taken on nearly all the housework and meal prep, which has caused increasing resentment. After he recently criticized her for letting chores “slip” during the holidays, she’s at a breaking point and wants to find a way to get through to him calmly before it damages their marriage. Read her story below.

‘ I [33 F] feel o**rwhelmed by the standards set by my husband [34 M] for “domestic” duties’

My \[33 F\] husband \[34 M\] and I generally have a very good relationship. We are still romantic with each other, enjoy each other’s company; I have few complaints. We have been together since I was 20 and he was 21 so we have grown together and been through a lot together. He makes more money than I do and is financially generous. I don’t have complaints about that.

However, I would say around since getting married \~7ish years ago, it’s as if there was a shift and he expects me to take care of anything in the “domestic” sphere and I find myself increasingly resentful of it. It’s gotten really extreme the past two years (or at least feels that way.)

We have two dogs and he get very annoyed if I ask him to walk them even once a day. I walk them (approximately 4 times a day) every day even when I’m sick or not feeling well. I have to rush home after work to walk them and usually go home at my lunch hour to walk them as well.

Any vet care, medicine, food, etc. all falls to me. He loves them and plays with them (in fact, the first dog was one he adopted, so it isn’t like I forced these dogs on him) but does not participate at all in their care.

Similarly, he literally does not participate in meal prep or food. I do all grocery shopping, cooking, cleanup after cooking, etc. Even if we are ordering out, he acts too o**rwhelmed to have an opinion. If I did not try to keep our food intake somewhat under control, he would order fast food pretty much every day.

I try to keep our food somewhat healthy and varied so that it’s not junk food every night. His expectation for cooking is high as well; he likes large, complex meals so it’s not like I can just throw some pasta in a pot with sauce. On nights I have done that, he complains and then usually orders fast food or pizza. So I feel a lot of pressure to cook elaborate meals every night.

This will sound privileged, and it is, but we have a small-ish apartment in the city and then a larger house in the suburbs about \~2 hours away. We didn’t originally mean to keep both the house and have an apartment but he really didn’t want to sell the house when we had to move for his job about 2 years ago.

However, this is just another thing that has fallen to my plate. We rent the house on a short term basis so I am constantly cleaning the house, tidying, stripping sheets, answering guest questions, etc. Also, trying to keep a large house to guest house/vacation home standards is a ton of work.

I am constantly fixing or replacing something in the house, but mostly it’s tons of cleaning. Again, he does not participate in this at all. Literally refuses completely, saying he’s too busy with work.

The thing is, about six months ago, I took a job that is almost fully in-person. I used to work remote and therefore I would manage to balance all these other domestic “duties” but this job I took is a better job, pays more, etc.

My husband would complain about me making more money (even though we are honestly financially totally fine) so I found a job that pays more, but it’s much more intense, so I don’t have the time (or energy, frankly) to constantly devote to cleaning, cooking, etc. It was already hard when I worked remotely; I was always exhausted and burnt out. Now, I work 45 hours minimum in-person, so trying to keep both the house and our apartment spotless, clean, cook, etc.

This comes up because I had a few days off over Christmas, and I admit I let myself “slip.” The laundry room was piled with some clothes and towels. The dishes weren’t done immediately every night. I was being a bit lazy. Well, he just picked a big fight with me saying he needed me to devote more time to keeping the house clean and that I was letting it “get out of control.”

I did argue back, saying I let it slip for a few days at most. He literally doesn’t even put his food away or rinse his dish after eating. He does not take the trash out and has not cleaned a bathroom in probably minimum three years. So it seemed a bit rich to me to say the house was “out of control.”

I’m just tired of devoting so much of my time and energy to cleaning, cooking, domestic duties, etc. I feel as though time I could be spending towards things like reading, learning, working out, whatever, are spent worrying about getting the laundry done and cooking.

It’s just odd because in many other ways, my husband is feminist-minded, but not in this regard. He gets very defensive when I bring it up, saying he can’t handle more on his plate due to his job. However, I’m also working like a dog at my job! So what gives?

I’m sure many people have dealt with this. Is there a way to calmly get through to him that I need more help? A schedule perhaps? Duties that we know are our own? I am feeling more and more resentful towards him over this.

\[tl;dr my husband expects me to keep the house clean, meals cooked, etc. and I’m exhausted and burnt out\]

These are the responses from Reddit users:

OutspokenPerson −  So you are his servant? Go on strike. Stop doing *anything* for him. Let him eat crap and wear dirty clothes. Pick a bathroom for yourself and clean that one only. Stop renting out the house for a month or more. If he complains, let him take on that collection of duties with zero input or opinion from you.

Tell him he has dog duties. If he neglects the dogs, then you know what kind of a person you married. You are okay with him disrespecting you. But surely you will draw the line when it’s the dogs that are suffering. Yeah, it’s time to stop playing nice. He stopped a LONG time ago.

annang −  Why are you with this person who doesn’t respect you and doesn’t believe he should have to do his fair share of the work of being an adult?

Corfiz74 −  How on earth did you let it slide for so long? You’re allowing him to act like a spoiled b**t little pasha, and allow him to castigate you for your habits, when he is not lifting an effing finger, while you are both working full-time jobs?

You should go on complete strike, until he either hires someone to do his share of the chores/ cooking, or starts doing it himself. Same with the dog-care – either he does his share, hires a walker, or the dogs will be rehomed. You’ve allowed him to get away with it because you’ve always picked up his slack and taken on everything he refused to do – you should have put a stop to this s**t LONG BEFORE it got to this point.

What’s his excuse on why he can’t do anything/ doesn’t have to do anything/ isn’t responsible for anything at all? Because if it’s “because it’s women’s work”, tell him the 1950s called, they want their misogynistic attitude back. Is it because he makes more money? Well, this isn’t about money, this is about TIME – as in you both work fulltime jobs, and you don’t magically have more time available to you, just because you don’t make as much money as he does.

PaintedSwindle −  I bet he’s only ‘feminist-minded’ in ways that don’t affect him or his interests. Seriously, ask him a bit more about his values and really dig into why his time is somehow more precious than yours. I would stop taking care of his laundry/dishes/the other house stuff, until he can step up equally.

AnOutrageousCloud −  Read the book Fair Play about the division of household labor. The part that is really important for you is that your husband treats his time like precious diamonds and your time is infinite with no constraints.

He is too tired to do chores, but how dare you slip up for a couple of days! He simply does not value you and your time the way he values his own time. What I particularly like about Fair Play is it also includes how to have the conversation to fix this.

TurtleDive1234 −  OH HELL NO. This is NOT okay. Just because you work a full time job that you happen to be paid very well for doesn’t mean you don’t pull your own weight at home. This isn’t the 1950s and if he wants a maid/personal chef/secretary/dog walker-groomer-caregiver then he can HIRE them.

Alarmed_Jellyfish555 −  Your husband is trash. This isn’t a partnership, he treats you like his personal maid. He also doesn’t respect you. You can try and get him to start giving a damn. But, realistically, it’s time to start working on an exit strategy. This is who he is. And it sure ain’t pretty.

ninaa1 −  Just have to say that, by making all the domestic duties be your responsibility, he ensures that you will never really excel in your career, will never be able to out-earn him, and will always be in a subordinate power position to him because he’ll control the money.

You’ll never be able to carve out time to take classes if you want an advanced degree, or invest in a hobby (because you would be wasting time and money that “should” be spent cleaning). Your world will continue becoming smaller until all you do is clean, cook, and maybe work.

There’s no magic words that you can say which will get him to give you respect. Your choices are counseling or drawing boundaries with him. However, if you draw your boundaries, you will need to stick to them, no matter how hard it may be.

I couldn’t stand being treated the way he treats you. You aren’t even a maid, because a maid would get paid and would only have to work 8 hours a day and would get vacation time.

MediumBlueish −  He makes more money than you do OFF THE BACK OF YOUR UNPAID AND THANKLESS LABOR. He enjoys the privilege of property ownership, domestic pets, and a good diet FOR THE SAME REASONS.

There is literally no reason for him to change and you cannot solve this issue by “communicating” your dissatisfactions because GIRL he KNOWS and he’s WINNING. I am shouting at you because we are essentially the same age and you can do so much better than this. Being alone and single will give you more peace than you can ever achieve in such an exploitative intimate relationship.

oldcreaker −  Start dividing it into you and him. Cook for yourself and clean up afterwards. He can cook for himself and clean up afterwards. Do your own laundry. On the stuff that can’t be divided, do what you think is your share, the rest is his.

Betcha he lets slide all the stuff that he said was i**olerable for him to see undone when you were doing it. Get on him for it the same way he gets on you. You both work, you both should take care of the stuff at home. Not just you.

Managing household responsibilities in a partnership should be a shared effort, especially when both partners have demanding jobs. How do you navigate the balance of chores and domestic duties in your relationship? Should one partner be solely responsible for keeping things running smoothly, or is there a better approach? Share your thoughts and advice below!